I swear I have some sort of celebrity gossip ADD. When I sit down to write about the latest happenings in Hollywood, I get completely distracted by irrelevant details. It’s possible that I feel weary of the same old “Lindsay is back on the pole,” stories. I’m just so much more interested in the story behind the story. Or the story that’s happening over to the left when everyone is turned to watch the story on the right.
An example: This morning I was sipping on a protein shake, and no-that’s not a euphemism, and scanning the pics of last night’s TV Land awards red carpet arrivals. And seriously, I’m filing a motion for that gig to be renamed the TV Land Where Are They Now? awards because most of the attendees haven’t seen the lens side of a studio camera in the past decade. But I’m into retro and therefore don’t mind seeing the entire pop culture element of my childhood assembled in one amphitheater.
Anyway…I was going through the pictures and came across one of Taran Noah Smith. Does anyone remember him? He was the youngest kid on Home Improvement. Now, I didn’t watch that show too often but what struck me today is that he has the aforementioned crazy eyes. So, I started Googling things like, “Why does Taran Noah Smith have crazy eyes?” and “Was there some sort of ‘three name requirement’ for the kids of Home Improvement?” and wasn’t having a lot of success in finding out why he looks like a genuine Britney Spears stalker. But by slightly adjusting my search parameters, I uncovered a story about this kid. I knew he had a story.
Back in 2001 when he was seventeen, Smith married a thirty-three-year-old chick named Heidi. After accusing his parents of stealing from him and suing for control of his $1.5M trust fund, the May-December couple moved to Kansas and started manufacturing cheese made from cashews. They called it Playfood and no I’m not kidding.
When that didn’t work out, they moved back to California and started illegally running a catering business and restaurant out of their home. The neighbors revolted and they shut down their home-based business and opened up a legitimate vegan restaurant in Studio City named Playfood, of course.
While all this vegan crap was happening, they also had an open marriage. Taran told the National Enquirer that his wife was more interested in chicks until she found out that he was dating someone steady. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Dating can really cause problems in a marriage. I highly recommend clandestine affairs instead.
As shocking as it is to believe, the marriage dissolved when Smith felt his wife was funnelling money out of their business for her own use. After two years of protracted legal battle, he won and gets to hold on to the Playfood empire. Their eight-year marriage was annulled just recently-April 2nd of this year. How do you get an annulment after you’ve manufactured non-dairy cheese with someone? That just doesn’t seem right.
Taran has reconciled with his folks even though he’ll probably have to hear, “I told you so,” for the rest of his days of obscurity.
Most people won’t know this story because quite honestly no one cares about Taran Noah Smith. Except me. I do. So, I’m sorry for abusing you with this tale but it further speaks to the benefits of not letting your kid loose in Hollywood. Before you know it, they go vegan and break your heart.
Okay, now for the event you may actually care about. There were tons of has-beens there such as : David Faustino, Katey Sagal, Ted McGinley, Loretta Swit, Mike Farrell, Conchata Farrell, Joan Van Ark, Kathy Garver, Patricia Richardson, and basically everyone who ever had a role on ER.
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