Paris Hilton, in her new set of ads for Guess by Marciano. (More pics from the shoot in the thumbnails.)

Well, well, well! Look who’s dying! It’s Lindsay Lohan, who seems to have moved from a relationship with Sam to a love affair with her old pal Ana once again. Lindsay was spotted wandering around Melrose yesterday looking to buy new glasses and providing new thinspiration for girls battling ED around the world. Ahhhhh, the symbolism is overwhelming! Lindsay, you DO need new glasses! You need to start seeing everything very, very differently, or you’re done for, kiddo!

What did I tell you guys?

It’s just like the old days — it was just a matter of time. She was never really addressing the issues. She was using Samantha as a crutch.

GET SOME HELP, LINDSAY!

It was really just a matter of time before this happened:

Homely British singing sensation Susan Boyle has been offered $1 million to make a porn flick.

The plain Jane superstar with the spellbinding voice would have to lose her virginity on camera to earn the seven-figure payday from Los Angeles-based Kick Ass Films.

“We want to get this movie shot and out while Susan has the world’s attention,” said Kick Ass boss Mark Kulkis. “Besides, after 47 years of virginity, I’m sure Susan is also anxious to get something cracking as soon as possible.” …

If Boyle accepts the offer, the porn company will fly her out to Tinseltown on – you guessed it – Virgin Airlines.

I got emails from a few readers asking if this was true.

Let me explain something clearly: Yes, this is true. It is true that a stupid porn company made this offer. It has nothing to do with Susan Boyle and everything to do with PR. They did not make the offer with the idea that Susan would take them up on it — of course she will not — they made the offer so that papers like the NY Daily News and blogs like mine would write about their porn company. This is what we like to call a “PR stunt,” and an exploitative one at that.

Also, wanna know what I think is funny? No one believed Britney Spears when she said she was a 16-year-old virgin, but no one’s even begun to doubt this 47-year-old woman on that point. We’re an amusing society.

Amy was spotted walking on the beach in St. Lucia with an enormous burn scar on her leg. According to some sources, Amy was cooking a pot of pasta when the pot full of boiling water fell on her. Somehow I doubt that’s the entire story, but something tells me Amy got lucky here. It probably could have been a whole lot worse, whatever it was she was doing.

Oh, nothing would make me happier than this! Despite the fact that it’s going to TOTALLY suck!

Thirteen years after her blockbuster movie Clueless debuted, Alicia Silverstone is finally reprising her role as ditzy Cher Horowitz in a sequel to the 1995 hit.

Alicia, 32, was recently spotted shopping along Ventura Boulevard in Tarzana, Calif., with her good friend, Clueless writer and director Amy Heckerling, 54. “They were talking about the script they’re working on and how exciting this is for them,” an eyewitness tells Star. Explains a source, “It’s been a dream of Alicia’s to bring Cher back to the big screen. Amy is writing it, but Alicia is giving her tons of ideas.”

I’ll admit it: I’m a product of Generation Clueless. I was in eighth grade when the movie came out, and we used it more as a Bible than as a work of fiction. We strived to be just like Cher and her friends — we dressed like them, we talked like them, we sang “Rollin’ with the Homies” to no end. I would LOVE to see what Cher Horowitz is up to now, at the age of 32. I NEED NEW GUIDANCE!!!

If you ever thought Denise Richards was desperate, well, you were right.  This is what the economy does, people.  You’re E! reality television show gets cancelled, alimony isn’t enough to cover your monthly Botox, you can’t find work because you’re talentless and then the next thing you know, you’re making lame videos that aren’t traditionally funny yet still make people laugh.  At you, that is.

NSFW