Watching You Are What You Eat— the BBC show where the skinny pale-looking British lady smells your farts and looks at your poo to tell you you’ve got too much yeast in your diet– has convinced me to start referring to my weight in terms of stone instead of pounds– because 11 stone sounds so much more managable, and no one really has any idea how much that is. Stop your mouses right now– don’t you DARE go to a weight conversion site. I weeel keeel you.
That’s sort of an awkward segue into talking about how much I fucking looooooove Dolly Parton. Maybe I could draw a flimsy connection to how I wish I was as confident in my own skin as she is. Whatever. I feel like talking about BBC America and Dolly Parton, so that’s what I’m going to do.
In reference to Miss Dolly, she’s got a new album out… on Cracker Barrel Records. Some of you might need a little bit of an explanation of what a Cracker Barrel is. It’s a southern cooking restaurant with lots of collectible crap plastered on the walls and a store attached to the front end where you can browse through scented candles and sweatshirts with glittery kitties on them while you wait to be seated. And they named it Cracker Barrel. Let the whitey jokes begin.
Released March 24, “Backwoods Barbie: Collector’s Edition” debuted at No. 9 on Top Country Albums and No. 40 on the Billboard 200, selling 12,000 copies its first week.
The title track will be featured in the Broadway musical “9 to 5,” for which Parton wrote the score. The musical’s formal premiere takes place April 30 at the Marquis Theater in New York.
“Me and Cracker Barrel have a lot in common: We’re both Tennessee-based and country people,” Parton said during a break from “9 to 5” rehearsals. “I thought we’d make a perfect pairing, and evidently it’s working.”
How awesome is it that there’s going to be a “9 to 5” musical? And Having a top ten record come out of a Cracker Barrel is amazing. It’s the equivalent of one of those instrumental cd’s of jazz shit they circulate through Starbuck’s going gold.
And I love the fact that she named her album “Backwoods Barbie.” You’ve got to understand that she’s being self deprecating, not flag-waving some kind of backwards provincialism ala’ My Big Fat Redneck Wedding. Being “backwoods” is part of who she is and where she came from, but it’s not all there is to her.
If you think she’s just some backwoods trailer park pageant queen with less than two brain cells to rub together under that giant blonde wig, then you have obviously never bothered to listen to one of her interviews. Say what you want about giant knockers and removed ribs, but she teeters ever so gracefully– in tight sequined dresses and 4-inch heels– on a fine line between crass and class.
My dad drove a tour bus for an alt country group in the 70’s. Aside from what I am sure were copious amounts of drug use, that job also afforded him the opportunity to meet more than a few famous faces, including Dolly Parton at some sort of shindig in L.A. He introduced himself and talked to her for all of about five minutes.
Years later, while parking cars for an event at the Grand Ole Opry, Dolly rolled up, stepped out of her car, saw my dad, and exclaimed “Tom Hays! What in the hell are you doing here?!”
Just the fact that someone as famous as her– and we’re talking world-wide standard punchline in any joke about big boobs famous– not only remembered his name, but had the good manners to say hello to him and greet him like a long lost friend really floors me. Even if you knew nothing about her work with children’s literacy, or the fact that she is second only perhaps to Bob Dylan in terms of being responsible for almost every single hit song in the last 40 years, that alone should be reason enough for you to love her.
It might also explain how she’s managed to get a Cracker Barrel album into the top 10 on the Billboard country charts while Jessica Simpson can’t even manage to maintain her record deal.
And to answer your question: YES, I have been to Dollywood. And it was awesome.
Oh Souther sister, I am down with Dolly Parton too! That woman is legend, and the fact that she got a fucking cracker barrel cd into the top ten is amazing.
One of my favorite songs ever is Jolene…Ah Dolly.
Mmmm….Cracker Barrel.
You forgot to mention that they put brain teaser games at each table to keep you entertained during your meal.
LOVE that restaurant!
And Dolly kicks ass. Period. No need to even slightly like her music to be totally enamored with her.
This post aside, I’ve also gotten the impression that Dolly Parton is a very clever woman. I think I like her.
Waiting for the “Cracker Barrel discriminates against gays,” post…
cracker barrel discriminates against gays!
Actually I think they stopped. My friend, who knows more about such things that I, assured me I could go there for chicken and dumplings without feeling guilty.
This post triggered me to look it up and from what I see they did in fact stop the discrimination. I loved that place but haven’t been there for like 3 years due to their discriminatory ways.
Dolly rocks, and Cracker Barrel sucks. Why must the world be full of such conundrums?
lolol. Thumbs up.
I love Dolly.
But you didn’t mention that each Cracker Barrel is exactly the same. 400 of them. Scary.
i love cracker barrel. i love the gift shop, love it all!
150-ish?
Oooooooooooh she gonna keeeel yeeeeeeeewwww
Run roofie run!!!
I just had to chime in here and agree with all the Dolly praise. She is amazing, so is Cracker Barrel. I had some for breakfast this morning. I’ve also been to Dolly Wood more than Disney World and I live in Florida.
Cracker Barrel has smoked sausage patties (not links) that are wonderfully delicious. Dolly Parton was ahead of her time, as a businesswoman, singer, songwriter and someone who makes you laugh. The combination is bananas!
thank god someone else shares my dolly appreciation. her movies are hilarious, and she sings like a friggin angel. if you haven’t seen her in concert, you need to. the singing+the anecdotes+her bedazzled autoharp make it all so worth the 80 bucks. and the woman will throw out some “i will always love you” for the encore. guaranteed.
You can’t compare Dolly Parton to chain food. She’s way better than that. However, if that’s how she can get an album to the masses, I’m all for it.
I love Dolly Parton! And Cracker Barrel too (The chicken fried chicken (yeah, i know, seems silly but whatever, that’s the name) is so effing good it allowed me to overcome my anger over their discriminatory ways). Dolly is fabulous. I can’t even imagine what the world be like without her. She’s A-mazing. Such a good and kind person in addition to being so talented. So happy she’s still successful after all these years! BTW, “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas”…best, movie, EVER. Trust.
i’m not kidding you, i got on evil beet to kill some time before eating at cracker barrel with my mom. ha!
also i live about 25 minutes away from where dolly parton was born/lived/created a theme park…. and its awesome.
we need a cracker barrel here in cali!!! love love love the hash brown casserole and the fried ocra and dumplings!!! M M MMMMMM!
I wouldn’t say that Dolly is necessarily all that comfortable in her own skin tho…. why would she have had so much plastic surgery?
I always get so confused about what a stone is.
um and I think I want to watch You Are What You Eat every day.
Met the lady in question 12 years ago at a business meeting…she has keen business mind, trust me. She made her deal on her temrs, then we talked. I attended her show in Las Vegas a couple of years ago, sat up front by the stage…she recongnized me, remembered my name and said “Hi” from the stage. Remarkable woman!
One southern sister to another (I grew up in southern Missouri), I love Dolly AND Cracker Barrel. The candy in the gift shop is unsurpassed as far as hard candy goes.
And Best. Quote. Ever..
‘It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.’
dolly is a godsend to the sevier county area..not only has she funded and/ or created 4 entertainment capitols, she also donates $500,000 a year to schools, parks, churches and recreational fields here..Not that we need it due to her efforts within the past 20(?) years but she continues to give and give and give..She is one woman in which young women should look up to..btw, she also co-funds tons of scholarships here to do with business, architecture, cheerleading, and theatrical arts as far as i know..
In my opinion – Dolly Parton is the most talented and brilliant singer in the world!!!! I saw her in concert and it was AWESOME!!! I would love to see her again in concert. She is totally talented and extremely funny. I love Dolly Parton!!
I MISS Cracker Barrel so much!!! There’s none near the San Francisco area (that I know of). :(
Yes! Let’s hear it for the Dolly love! I have so much respect for her.
@ thatLisa – a stone is fourteen pounds. Which makes it surprisingly hard to do the mental arithmetic for converting! But 11 stone is really not that big to my mind, Kelly! I was 12 stone before I got pregnant, and now I’m about 14 and a half! (Just to be clear, I still have the little one inside me, due out in a month.)