Karina Smirnoff has asked dancing partner Steve Wozniak to walk her down the aisle when she gets  married to fellow DWTS dancer Maksin Chmerkovskiy later this year. Which is weird. No word yet on whether he’ll actually walk, or do it on a Segway. Given his recent injuries, my money’s on Segway.

“He’s a little out of his element but has the biggest personality you’ll ever meet,” Smirnoff said about her dancing partner. “He’s super funny and super charming.”

The whole thing smacks of publicity. I can totally see a DWTS producer pitching this to Smirnoff. Woz is old and kind of dad-like, so who better to fill the position of your absent father than someone you’ve known for all of about 6 months? And I’m sure the wedding will not be part of a “very special” episode of Dancing With the Stars.

Perez Hilton held his 31st birthday party yesterday at the Viper Room nightclub in West Hollywood. For someone who talks a lot of trash about celebrities, making juvenile comments about their love lives and appearances, a lot of them showed up at his party. This means that I can still hold out hope that Clive Owen will turn up at my 31st birthday party, no matter how big of a bitch I am on this blog.

Paris Hilton & boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, Amanda Bynes, Steve-O, and a very different looking Ashley Tisdale (holding hands with a lady friend) were in attendance, amongst others. The Jonas Brothers “rushed over” from the Kid’s Choice awards to sing Happy Birthday, and Christina Aguilera did her best Marilyn Monroe impression of a breathy “Happy Birthday Mr. Perez-ident.”

“I’m not thrilled with the number 31,” Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, said on the pink carpet in front of the Viper Room nightclub. “But I am super excited that, right now, I’m happier in my life than I ever have been before.”

Hilton bragged that the first gift he received was from “High School Musical” heartthrob Zac Efron.

“He sent me a bottle of champagne to my hotel room, which made me squeal like a little school girl,” he gushed.

Party attendee Paris Hilton seems to have contracted Victoria Beckham’s “Every Day I Look More and More Like a Robot” disease. Note the cut on boyfriend Reinhardt’s lip, a souvenir of Friday night’s scuffle with a bodyguard at Fontainebleau.

I’ve always thought that Helena Bonham Carter is one of the most beautiful women in showbusiness. She has a sultry sexiness that most women can’t pull off. But she is also really adept at making herself look ridiculous and unattractive.

Here, Carter accepts the Best Actress award for Sweeney Todd during the Jameson Empire Awards while wearing a spidernest hat–most likely given to her by husband Tim Burton– that has hatched tiny babies who’ve crawled down the mesh to hang about her head like a pig-pen-esque halo.

The hat was obviously pregnant, but I refuse to speculate on whether or not the actress wearing it is preggers as well. The picture makes it look as if she could be, but  the last time the 43-year-old actress became pregnant in 2007, she had to undergo fertility treatments, so it’s not likely.

Let’s take a moment to read yet another page in the cautionary tale that is Courtney Love’s life. You can’t just say whatever the fuck you want, even on the internet (I’d do well to keep that in mind).

Reuters reports that the musician is being sued by designer Dawn Simorangkir for “insults the singer is accused of posting on Twitter, MySpace and online marketplace Etsy.”

Allegedly, lovable basket case Love asked the designer to make some clothing for her, didn’t pay for it, then began insulting the designer on the internet after she asked her for payment.

What I want to know is, how can anyone make enough sense out of Love’s Myspace and Twitter rantings to even know that they’ve been insulted? Take a gander at the Dickensian novel Love posted to her blog on March 17th:

oh twitter
i like it cos ts short god forbid
courtneylover79 is me i dont know how to write the main ceo of twitter and tell him im MR ad theres per usual about 30 “MES” running around there, its a great little check in no im not twittingwhat i had for dinner ill twit little tales likei did yesterday about how i learned shakesepare ina dark room the”wrong way” and howit has served me so well fpr the rest of my ;ife being autididcatic aboot the bard, then a few years late ri wento the Shakepeare festival in ashland and heard it usedinthe iambic pentameter noone had onformed me of, it was a crazy lucky break tp learn shakespeare my own “green eggs and ham” way
great store

I think she might be writing something about Shakespeare, but it could also be a recipe for methamphetamines; I’m not sure.

Catholicism had a busy news week, which is interesting because that whole religious zombie shindig isn’t for a few weeks yet.
In addition to being pissed at the Detroit Tigers, and working on finally being able to marry into the hot, sexy genepool of British Royalty,  they also made it possible for you to see the “Sexiest Swimsuit Model in the World” naked.

Reportedly, the most totally awesomest Pope of the last 100 years inspired swimsuit and lingerie model Joanna Krupa to pose nude. She tells Foxnews (of all places) that “…worrying about going topless in a photo shoot or film is really ridiculous… the fact is Pope John Paul said, since we were born naked, it is art, and it’s just showing a beautiful body that God created.”

God says, “You’re welcome.”

How does that proverb go? Ask, and she will take off her clothes for you?

I’m sure that by now some of you may have heard that Candy Spelling, widow of TV producer Aaron Spelling, has put her Holmby Hills home up for sale. But did you know that the $150 million asking price makes it the most expensive house on sale in America? Did you also know that Candy is a few peppermint twizzles short of a her store?

Spelling told The Associated Press that she let her dog Madison, a soft-coated Wheaten Terrier, help pick out the best real estate agent for the task. She had her security bring the dog into the room every time she met one of the candidate agents and watched how the dog reacted. If Madison didn’t like them, Spelling crossed them off the list.

Candy said she wanted to put the house up for sale because she wants to “start a new chapter in her life.” She’s “downsizing” from the 100-plus room mansion (I can’t tell you exactly how many rooms the place has because she has “never counted”) to a $47 million dollar luxury condo in L.A.

Spelling and her terrier will live on the bottom floor, while the upper floor will be occupied solely by her insanity.