Listen, guys.  Normally I don’t work this late in the day.  But I found out this news a little while ago and I don’t know where else to take it except here.  I’ve been bitching about it for the past hour on my Facebook.  Life On Mars got the ax.  Wait-Life On Mars got the ax but Two And A Half Men got renewed.  I don’t know what alternate universe I am in, but someone, anyone, please come get me.

Someone, anyone, explain this to me.  Please.  I am beside myself right now.  I know it’s only a television show but this is Sam fucking Tyler we are talking about.  One of my friends tried to explain it to me this way:  “Life On Mars is too progressive for the standard American audience that looks to tv as a way of avoiding their own dreary lives.”

There must be something that can be done about about this fuckery.  I’ll do anything to stop this.  I will give oral to Mischa Barton if that’s what it takes.  I’m not kidding.

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens appeared together last night, at the US premiere of Watchmen.  Why is it that these two never look like an authentic couple?  And they always have dead eyes.  Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are so much better at this fake relationship thing.

Last night was the premiere of Jimmy Fallon Late Night.  How was it?  I was so asleep and missed it.

Justin Timberlake was a guest and did a great imitation of John Mayer.  Beyond my general dislike for Jennifer Aniston’s time-killer, I cannot look at him when he sings.  Cannot.  You know he makes the exact same faces when he’s having sex.  And I cannot abide by fucking a dude who rolls his eyes into the back of his head.  I suspect I am not the only one who thinks this way.

Oh, and poor Robert DeNiro.  He looks so-addled.

I couldn’t find a decent sound quality clip of the bit so you’ll have to fast forward to 5:00 to get to the John Mayer part.  Around seven minutes, he does a great Michael McDonald too.

“My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”

Kanye West in his VH1 Storytellers documentary, sharing the biggest disappointment of his life.

You know what the greatest pain in my life is?  Having to write about Kanye West every time he comes up with a quote intended to keep his name in the media.  Or, you know, every time he decides to punch a pap.

Who watches The Bachelor?  I thought this show was cancelled three years ago.

Last night, on the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, bachelor Jason Mesnick proposed to finalist Melissa Rycroft.  The two-hour episode aired last night, followed by a third hour titled After The Final Rose that was filmed six weeks after the finale.

So, dramz.  Last night on ATFR, the completely insincere Mesnick dumps Melissa because he still has feelings for the other finalist, Molly.

And this is what I love.  He did it on the show because he was contractually obligated to.  He couldn’t break his fiancee’s heart in private; it had to be done on prime time television.  At what point do people realize that actual human beings are involved in these stupid reality shows?  I mean, she was so upset she started lapsing into third person-”You chose Melissa, you don’t want to fight for Melissa, you put a ring on Melissa’s finger, you told Melissa you loved her…”  Ugh.  It was just bad.

Clip one is the break up.  Clip two is the thirty second long goodbye between the two.

Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz told The Daily Mail he is convinced someone is going to murder him.  He won’t open his door for fear of being taken down by a crazed gunman.  Pete needs a dose of reality.  Because, as a rule, gunmen often don’t announce their arrival by ringing the doorbell.  Of course, this whole murder concept comes from a dude who also said, “If I didn’t have a baby, I’d have a chimp.”  So, you know, grain of salt.

Other scintillating snippets of Pete’s interview:

• I never want to hear Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah again-it was playing when I overdosed in 2005.  It’s a hard song for me to listen to now, because it brings the moment back so vividly. It’s become such a popular song that it’s always on at parties these days, and I have to leave the room.
• While I’ll always be bipolar, I find it easier to deal with now.  I remember being extremely happy at the age of four. I went to visit an aunt in Switzerland and remember feeling ecstatic the entire summer. But now is even better. With marriage and fatherhood, I’ve finally found two fixed points in my life. They’ve taught me patience. They’ve also taught me that I don’t need to feel guilty about being happy. My emotional seasons are less extreme.
• My recurring nightmare is finding that Johnny Depp has joined our band.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy’s work. But imagine being in a band with someone who’s a million times better-looking and charming than yourself. I wouldn’t stand a chance. Same goes for Barack Obama. How could I say no if he wanted to join the band? Maybe he could do some dancing at the side of the stage. That would be cool.