When people get in your face and say, ‘This will pass,’ you think: Are they crazy? I’m never gonna feel any better than I feel right this minute and nothing’s ever gonna make sense again. And I still have moments where I’m like, ‘Nothing’s ever gonna make sense again.’ … Blame, blame, blame. You know? And it’s a really easy thing to do, and I’m certainly guilty of it. [You have to] look at yourself and go: ‘What part of this do I need to own? Which part of this is my responsibility?’ And that’s the painful work that you have to go through to hopefully get some real-life knowledge out of it.”

Reese Witherspoon, opening up about her divorce in an upcoming Elle interview.

Do they make ‘em any crazier than this chick? I always love seeing her interviewed. It’s not like watching a train wreck — it’s like watching a train that’s already wrecked continue to struggle along the track. Because it heard there was really good weed about a mile down the road.

Here’s Tonya Harding on REALSports talking insane nonsense about how Barack Obama is helping her make money, and I realized that she reminds me a lot of the crazy pageant moms on my new favorite show, Toddlers & Tiaras. Like where their kid looks ready for the red carpet while they’re behind the scenes talking shit and creating a new genre of schlubby.

And someone oughtta kneecap those bangs.

Yes, it’s true.  We’ve all been waiting for this, and now the time has come.  The video of Octo-mom giving birth is on the market for some obscene seven-digit figure.  Now, you think a standard birthing video is sick?  Just wait until you see c-section footage with eight babies being yanked out of Nadya Suleman’s octomen.

Now, listen.  If there is some multi-millionaire out there who has the bucks to buy this sin against all that is sane in the world, can you please take the million bucks and buy a house for these kids instead?  Maybe part of the purchase agreement could include an immediate destroying of the video and all copies.

I don’t know what all this concern has been about Lindsay’s weight lately.  Every non-boot related and non-crying jag at 2AM on the street related article I read about her, refers to the scarfing down of Big Macs and Red Bull.  I don’t see the issue.  She’s really the picture of health at this point; her thermal shirt has seen better days though.

Anyway, Sam and Linds went out for a snack last night and it’s clear to me that Linds is totally enjoying her hearty teaspoonful of frozen yogurt at Yogurtland in West Hollywood.

Now see?  This is what I like to see.  Rob Van Winkle, or Vanilla Ice, apologizing for the fuckery he spewed all over the pop culture of 1990.  I graduated high school the same year, let me do the math for you-I’m 37 this year, and this horrible Queen/David Bowie rip-off will forever be intrinsically tied to my every memory of acid wash and prom.  Sadly, he did not apologize for having striped eyebrows or for beating the shit out of his wife.  Oh well.  Baby steps; I’m working on forgiveness.

Other celebrity apologies I feel we are owed-and feel free to add your own:

1)  Lil’ Kim for her face.

2)  The entire cast of Ocean’s Twelve for Ocean’s Twelve.

3)  The Olsen twins for charging $1700 for a pair of pants from their collection, The Row.

4)  Scarlett Johansson for singing.

5)  Oprah Winfrey for every single word that has ever come out of her mouth.  Hey, did I mention I set up an “I hate Oprah” group on Facebook?

Thanks Ignatius!

I’m making another one of my predictions.  You all may remember that I’m basically the Miss Cleo around here at Evil Beet.  To be fair, this picture doesn’t require a whole lot of clairvoyance; But to make it official, I call a Justin/Jessica break-up by September.

And for those of you unfamiliar with my acute perspicaciousness, please read here and here and here.