Because he’s engaged, to 29-year-old Calgary realtor Kyla Weber. The pair are rumoured to have met through a movie producer friend of Vince’s.

They got engaged on Valentine’s Day, but there’s no word on when they actually plan to tie the knot.

Hey remember that Dane Cook movie, Good Luck Chuck? Where he’d fuck a girl and then they’d meet their true love? (It was actually a pretty good movie, as much as I hate both Dane Cook and Jessica Alba.) I think Jennifer Aniston is like the male version of Chuck. After she dates someone, they pretty quickly find their true (non-Jen) love.

Realistically, though, who wants to marry Vince Vaughn at this point? He is bloated and gross and always looks like he smells like stale liquor. I think Jen dodged a bullet.

Awww, how sweet.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend, The Hills star Douche Doug Reinhardt, partied it up in WeHo last night, attending Whitney Port’s birthday party and then sucking face in the car afterward.

These two deserve each other!

Meanwhile, The Hills producer Liz Gateley is confirming that Lauren Conrad is leaving the show after season five, but she says they’re working on ways to continue production without her.

Could Paris and Doug be the new main characters? I really can’t decide if that would be more or less nauseating than Heidi and Spencer.

Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend, Justin Gaston, does yet another magazine shoot featuring his wiener.

This shit is going to DOMINATE the news today, and I am SO HAPPY that this asshole has to go to court, and I’m praying there’s some REAL punishment for his actions.

Fox News paid someone at the LAPD to leak them the detective’s notes about the case, and here’s what they had to say:

After Rihanna read a text message on Brown’s phone from a woman, he tried to force Rihanna out of the car, but couldn’t because she was wearing her seatbelt.

Brown then allegedly slammed Rihanna’s head against her window, and when Rihanna turned to face him, he punched her.

The notes said blood spattered on Rihanna’s clothing and the interior of the Lamborghini.

Rihanna also called her assistant, according to FOX 11, leaving a message saying, “I am on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.”

Brown then reportedly replied, “You just did the stupidest thing ever. I’m going to kill you,” and proceeded to punch and bite Rihanna. He allegedly put her in a headlock so long that she almost lost consciousness.

And Extra! says they have PHOTOS of Chris’s blood-spattered Lamborghini and will be showing the photos on their show tonight.

“Extra” has obtained photos of the inside Chris Brown’s rented Lamborghini. The images reveal blood splattered on the passenger’s side dashboard. Rihanna was reportedly sitting in the passenger seat of the car the night she was allegedly attacked. Tune in to “Extra” tonight for a sneak preview of the photos.

Classy!

And I have to tell you guys my favorite part of all of this: the photo I’ve posted above? No, that was not my horrible, poor-taste idea, it’s the actual photo that Fox News used to run with this story. You better believe someone over there is patting their back over this: “Look, it’s like she’s reading the text message! And she’s horrified! And he’s smiling, because he’s about to kick her ass! How great is that?”

Good job guys!!!

Here’s Michelle Rodriquez giving the paparazzi a verbal smack-down after they ask her about the Octomom … and her DUI-related community service.

What’s funny is that, even though it’s an asshole move, I’d expect them to ask her about her community service, but it’s sooo ridiculous that they’d ask her about the Octomom. What a strange job these people have, just running around after these celebrities and asking them ANYTHING that might get a quote they can run. Can’t you just picture the People magazine headline: “Michelle Rodriguez Weighs in on Octomom!” That’s the kind of article I would not cover over here, because what the fuck does it matter what Michelle Rodriguez thinks of the Octomom?

I wanna know what Kate Gosselin thinks of her!

Rihanna’s newest Cover Girl ad which appears in People this week.  I know these ads are set months in advance, but it still creeps me the hell out.