Despite my fervent nightly prayers, the CW is moving forward with its plans for a Melrose Place remake.  In an enjoyable twist, and perhaps the only strategy that could have ever made me tune into this disaster-in-waiting, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has been cast as the newest tenant.

Are you ready for the complex and completely original character profile?  Ash plays a small-town girl with a secret.  Sigh, yawn and snort.

Ashlee hasn’t acted in four years (unless you count the lip-synching and “Jessica is skinny,” statements) since she appeared on 7th Heaven.  Hey, maybe her old co-star Jessica Biel could get a guest spot on MP as a slutty visitor from out of town.  Because really, that’s who lives at Melrose Place-you’re either a country bumpkin that murdered your abusive daddy, boyfriend or sister or you’re a scheming vixen that has mastered the quizzical eyebrow arch and fucks everyone.  Thankfully, everyone plays their part in push-ups, stilettos and bad hair extensions.

All I know is this:  I will be watching every episode closely.  In my estimation, it’s not an official comeback until some hair-pulling bitchfest results in Ashlee and a fellow low-rent resident falling into the pool.

DJ AM may be the luckiest man alive.  He and Travis Barker were the only two survivors of last year’s plane crash which killed the other four people on board.  And now, it appears he has cheated death again.

Poor Adam was booked on Continental Flight 3407 on February 13th.  That’s the plane that crashed in Buffalo and had no survivors.  Apparently, Adam had a bad feeling about flying and opted to drive at the last minute-a decision that saved his life.  Why does aviation basically hate Adam Goldstein?

I have always said that plane crash survivors are really the luckiest people.  Lucky for the obvious reason-they get to live.  But also because, statistically speaking, what are the chances of them ever being in another plane crash?  I’d like to think the odds would be drastically reduced.

Since the crash in February, AM has cancelled all scheduled gigs that would require him getting on a plane.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Watchmen took this weekend’s box office with $55.7M, the biggest opening of 2009 so far.

The head of the studio pointed out that the numbers probably would have been even bigger if the film hadn’t been two hours and 45 minutes long. “This is a movie that runs two hours and 45 minutes,” he said. “That really only leaves the exhibitor with one showing a night. If you have an 8 o’clock show, the next show is at midnight. So with essentially one show a night, I think this is outstanding.”

I went to see this flick on Friday afternoon, mostly because the company I work for was paying. (This is what passes for a bonus in this economy.) I think I lasted about an hour or so. I got up to go to the bathroom and decided I really didn’t have any interest in going back inside. After an hour of watching, I still wasn’t really that clear on what the plot was, and I’d already seen three giant blue neon penises, and that was pretty much all I needed for a Friday afternoon.

“In good conscience, I can’t continue representing Nadya. I wish her the best of luck. She’s going to need it.”

Octomom Nadya Suleman’s rep, Victor Munoz, who announced this weekend that he’s quitting.

Victor is the second rep this month to ditch the Octomom. Her first rep, Mike Firtney and partner Joann Killian, quit earlier this month after receiving scores of death threats via email on their office phone. “Many were so obscene, they can’t be repeated,” Mike said.

Christian Bale’s reputation has gotten so bad after the whole rant-y thing that he’s supposedly planning to star in a romantic comedy.

The Dark Knight actor – who hit the headlines when a recording of his foul-mouthed rant on the set of the new Terminator movie found its way on to the Internet – is going all-out for laughs in a bid to show the other side of his personality.

‘Cuse me? Christian Bale in a romantic comedy is like Elmo making a cameo as a junkie in the next Batman flick. Does. Not.Compute. I would love to see him spending an hour and a half desperately trying to mask his disgust with the entire operation though. The best part is that Drew Barrymore is the person that suggested this and she’d be his co-star/love interest.

“He has a habit of going for very dark and moody roles so that’s not helping his image either. It was his friend Drew Barrymore who suggested he might try something like a romantic comedy, and it looks like he might star in something with her. Drew is looking for the right script.”

I love Drew Barrymore – seriously – but unless they’re remaking a modern day Beauty and the Beast I fail to see those two personalities meshing. 

You think he’d do the whisper growl voice the whole time?

Apparently, Alex Rodriguez likes lace and ‘Sexy Little Things’ so much that he’s willing to buy them for you.

“He’s been going into Victoria’s Secret for the last seven months and buying $1,000 gift cards, sometimes five or six at a time. He must be giving them out like candy”

First: I didn’t even know Victoria’s Secret made $1,000 Gift Cards – I might be in the wrong tax bracket. 

Second: Kind of a shame that all those pretty panties are going to go to muscular bossy blondes. 

I suppose giving some one a gift card to buy panties makes it easier for you to get them naked, right?