I’m taking thirty seconds off from my disdain for Jimmy Kimmel, because he was actually sort of amusing, and willing to admit to being the douche that he is, on The View today. Jimmy recently broke up with his awesome on-again-off-again girlfriend, Sarah Silverman, and dressing up like Rosie O’Donnell didn’t keep the nosy ladies of The View from grilling him about it. When they asked him what happened, Jimmy responded: I’m a 41-year-old man with a bra filled with Koosh balls. What do you think happened? I’m an imbecile and she couldn’t date an imbecile anymore.”

Wiser words were never spoken.

Watch it while it’s hot!

Here’s the much buzzed-about video of the ever-articulate Britney Spears Sunday-night show in Tampa.

“My pussy is hanging out!” Brit yelled as she went off-stage, apparently because her costume was a little too tight in the crotch-al area.

Wouldn’t be the first time, Britney. Wouldn’t be the first time.

Damn, Miley!

When you write your (real) memoirs from your private room at Promises in a couple years, will you do us all a favor and please discuss IN DETAIL the sex you are having with this hot piece of man-meat?

Because he is sooooo freakin’ edible!

Miley got all dressed up in sweatpants and Uggs to hit up Nobu with Justin Gaston on Sunday. Why bother going out for sushi, Milers? You have plenty of raw meat right at home, and you know exactly where it goes, girl.

Melissa Rycroft, the 25-year-old who was unceremoniously (well, maybe it was ceremonious?) dumped for the runner-up on the season finale of The Bachelor, is reportedly joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars tonight, as a last-minute replacement for the injured Nancy O’Dell. She’s only had a few days to rehearse (ya know, since she only really got famous a few days ago), but she’ll be performing live on the show tonight.

I’m really quite pleased about this. She’s gonna end up in a much better place than she would have if everything had just worked out perfectly with that loser Jason Mesnick. Rock on, Melissa.

So thank goodness her new boyfriend, Douche Reinhardt, got her a baby teacup Pomeranian for her 28th birthday, in addition to a bunch of other shit she’ll just end up dumping on the household help.

“He probably got me more presents than any guy ever,” she said in Las Vegas before a belated birthday celebration Saturday at the Hard Rock Hotel’s Body English. “He’s sweet.”

That’s right, Paris. The older you get, the more men just naturally assume your affections are something to be bought. You’ve grown into that “I’m kind of a whore” vibe so effortlessly.

Anyway, Paris and Doug sucked face all over Vegas this weekend in celebration of P-Dog getting a full year less relevant. Here are some pics from her most recent party, at Body English at the Hard Rock. Ya know what’s funny? Back in the day, a Paris Hilton birthday party would have more A-list celebs in attendance than Paris could count on her labia folds. But this weekend? Pretty much just Paris and The Douche. Que triste!

I was talking to a male friend the other day, and he was like, “Man, I used to have the hugest crush on Jessica Simpson, but now I’m kind of embarrassed about it, because she got so fat.”

I was like, “Dude, I don’t think she’s really that fat. She’s just not a total skinny-minny anymore. She just has curves.” And he was like, “Yeah, you’re right. No, wait, actually, no. No, she’s fat now.”

Here’s Jessica, dangerously close to showing off her raspberry at a strawberry festival in Plant City, Florida this weekend.