Britney Spears’ ex-pap, Adnan Ghalib could be gifted with a one-way ticket to Afghanistan if he’s found guilty of the assault charges that he’s currently facing.

Pap Smear should have thought of that before trying to run over a process server with his car.  He now faces seven years in jail or, preferably, deportation to his homeland.

Now, according to a source from the LA police, there is some confusion regarding where Ghalib is actually from.  I’m thinking hell.

“There’s all these gay sex scenes. And y’know, I haven’t even done a sex scene with a girl, in my whole career.  And here I am, with Javier [Beltrán], who plays Lorca, doing an extremely hard-core sex scene, where I have a nervous breakdown afterward. And because we’re both straight, what we were doing seemed kind of ridiculous.  Trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn’t even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves.”

Robert Pattinson, in April’s GQ, describing his first sex scene ever, filmed with another man.

Hawaii Lieutenant Governor James “Duke” Aioni is none too happy with a Saturday Night Live skit that aired this past weekend.  He plans to send a letter of protest to SNL executive producer, Lorne Michaels.  Aioni states that the sketch, “went too far in its negative depiction of Hawaii’s native people and tourism industry,” and that he wouldn’t let “such distortions go unchecked” when the economy is doing so poorly.  And he’s not the only one upset about this.

The states tourism liason which is seriously the most made up job ever, said, “Anything that pokes fun, or puts us in a bad light, our culture, the (Native) Hawaiian culture, that affects all of us.  It’s distasteful, in my opinion. I find it very offensive.”

The clip features wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and SNL regular Fred Armisen portraying employees at a Hawaiian restaurant.  They complain about wages, hula skirts and, predictably, leis.

What does this story teach us?  We should eliminate all humor from our lives and make fun of no person, culture, state, or poi.  Oh, and you know what offends me?  Just how bad SNL really is.

I want you to know that it was really difficult for me to decide who was going to be on bottom; neither Tim or Anderson really seem like a top to me.

OK! magazine reports that Project Runway’s Tim Gunn and CNN’s Anderson Cooper are e-mail buddies and have been trying to set up a date.  Okay, a lunch, but still.  “We’ve actually been trying to have lunch for a year and a half,”  Tim said.  “Both of us are so busy that we haven’t been successful doing it, but we exchange e-mails.”  Hey, my marriage came to be from an innocent email!

In regards to Cooper’s most attractive qualities, Gunn said, “His brains, looks, style.  He’s fabulous!”

I’m so excited!  I can’t wait for Anderson to come out so he and Gunn can fall in love, start adopting Asian babies with names like Daisy and Parker and decorating nurseries right out of the Posh Tot catalog.  I know, I’m ahead of myself.  I was never any good at taking things slow.

It appears that the two singers that make up the band Right Said Fred have found at least one person that was willing to interview them.  In an article on RadarOnline, they talk about how tough it is to re-establish themselves seventeen years after their one and only hit.  According to the chrome-dome sibs, America and Europe have been welcoming but, the UK has not.  Fuck, I thought the UK was part of the continent of Europe.  I’m so bad at geography:

Hoping to be more than a one hit wonder (who doesn’t have a love-hate relationship with I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt?) brothers Richard and Fred Fairbrass AKA Right Said Fred recently flew to Los Angeles to record a video for their new song I’m A Celebrity.

Bound to be a hit in Germany, the band’s comeback single promises big things. Richard Fairbrass confides, “It’s a comment on the whole celebrity lifestyle thing, being famous for nothing, whether its Big Brother, Idol or whatever. Celebrities are a goldmine of inspiration.”

After their 1991 smash, Fairbrass says the band headed to Europe in the late nineties, where they performed around three gigs a week, at various clubs and festivals.

Finding a label has been a hard task in the current economy. After signing to BMG in 2002, the band jumped ship to Gut Intermedia nine months ago, only to see the label go bankrupt. “Now we have our back catalogue back and we are contractually free,” Fairbrass says.

On reinventing himself, Richard says, “America and Europe are decidedly more receptive. In the UK it’s more difficult.”

“We keep ourselves looking good. As a pop act its more important, while as a rock act there’s more leeway. As a pop act you have to look better. We are very into the gym and are quite vain, we watch what we eat and seldom drink we only binge once every blue moon.” Well, that’s honesty for you.

Now living in south London, Richard isn’t too keen on current pop acts: “I can’t really stand the retro stuff like Amy Winehouse or Duffy. They’re big with kids who aren’t really old enough to realize how derivative they are.”

So, Richard can’t stand retro stuff and thinks Amy Winehouse and Duffy have “derivative” material?  Derivative, by definition means “secondary; not original.”  And in that spirit, the video above is the 2007 remake of their 1992 hit.  I kind of wish Right Said Fred were too sexy to, um, talk.

Well, I take it back.  I thought Joaquin Phoenix was certifiable but now I think he’s just playing a nut on TV.  My reasoning?  Every time Phoenix does insane stuff, his brother-in-law Casey Affleck is there videotaping.

In his newest asshole move, last night Joaquin Phoenix jumped on a heckler while he was performing at the LIV nightclub in Miami.  Shocking, I know-venues are actually booking this idiot.  Joaquin, who was supposed to perform at 10:30, ambled onstage around 2:00 a.m. greeted by an agitated audience.  After a few minutes of, uh…unintelligible entertaininment, Phoenix leapt off the stage and onto a heckler in the crowd.  Security pulled Joaquin off and escorted him away.

This has to be a joke, right?  After the David Letterman interview a few weeks back, Rosie O’Donnell alluded to Phoenix having a drug problem on her blog.  Entirely possible.