Congrats to Lindsay Lohan, whose Saturday morning Twitter freakout was, it turns out, in vain. Lindsay won’t be returning to jail, at least not yet.

The warrant for her arrest was dropped.

After the star’s attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, arrived at a Beverly Hills courthouse early this morning for a meeting with Superior Court Judge Marsha Revel, they emerged around 8:55 a.m. and announced that Friday’s $50,000 warrant relating to her May 2007 DUI arrest was wiped clear.

“This was really much ado about nothing,” Holley told reporters. “As I indicated over the weekend, there was just a misunderstanding. Ms. Lohan has been in compliance [with the terms of her probation] and she continues to be in compliance.”

Well, good for you, Lindsers. I still think you’re headed back to rehab in the foreseeable future, even if it isn’t going to be this week.

“I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I’m not quite sure what, but I can’t believe that he’s really going to quit [acting] forever to become a rapper.  It seems odd.”

Gwyneth Paltrow to MTV UK when asked about her Two Lovers co-star Joaquin Phoenix and his decision to leave acting in favor of pursuing his dream of being a rapper.

Also, what career advice does Gwyn have for the clumsy and violent human pogo-stick?  “Hmm … maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe.”

When I was in high school, I was a big fan of the band Heart.  Even when the dark-haired one got fat, I never really thought about it.  Because Heart was awesome-period.

There is all this media attention focused on the size of Jessica Simpson’s ass right now.  I can’t help but wonder:  would anyone even care about her pant size if she was super talented and was able to, oh, I don’t know-remember her lines?

Jessica played the last show on her “Bob Your Head” tour with Rascal Flatts, Saturday night in Irvine, California.  And screwed up her lyrics-repeatedly.  And this happens all the time!

Bottom line:  If I shell out money for a concert ticket, I’m a fan.  And if I’m a fan, I don’t care what you look like.  But I sure as hell do care if you are unprofessional, untalented and don’t know your own material.

With Jessica’s history, I think she should have to refund ten dollars of the ticket price to all audience members every time she fucks up a line.  Pretty soon, she’ll be paying to perform.

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you for eating.  Thank you for not being a size zero, seventy-two hours postpartum.  I applaud you for not celebrating each c-section by having your tummy tucked and your thighs sucked.

Thank you for not hiring a stylist to “do” you before you pick up your daughter at school.

Also, I’d like to thank you for shopping at mass merchandisers.  Sometimes, in photos, I recognize the Old Navy togs that your children don.  It brings me peace when I see your kid dressed in the $12.50 Gap pique polo.

In other words, today I honor you for being normal.  In Hollywood terms, you are a complete and total freak.

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long may be back together again.  I thought I just read something the other day that said Long was dating his other He’s Just Not That Into You co-star, Ginnifer Goodwin but New York Post claims that Barrymore and Justin were sucking face and downing drinks at Bar Marmont the other night.

Now, I find Drew to be a grating little Oompa Loompa, but I liked her so much more when she was with this dude.  He totally improved her likability rating.

Good luck to these two!

Happy Monday!

I am really into the show, Lie To Me.  It’s about these face readers that identify all sorts of facial movements, body language, etc. and define what each signal really means.  Now that I’m a complete and total expert in lie detection, my family hates me.  A typical night in my home:

Me:  “Do you like the chili I made?”

Husband:  “Yes, it’s really good.”

Me:  “Why are you lying to me?  I know you’re lying!  You just touched your ear!  That.  Is.  Deception!  Bill Clinton did it during his impeachment hearings and now you’re doing it too!  You’re probably cheating on me too!  How many times have I seen you touch your ear?  You never loved me…”

Applying my newly established skills, I would like to let you know that, based on the pictures I’ve been looking at lately, Charlie Sheen is one miserable bastard who cannot wait until he can leave his wife, Brooke Mueller.  The good news is that Brooke had her mandatory twins this weekend, named Bob and Max.  Therefore, the clock has started ticking toward the day that it will be acceptable for Charlie and Brooke to make their “amicable split” announcement.