The same could happen to you! Hannah Montana lunchbag-ready snacks have been recalled by The Canadian Food Inspection Agency and the Peanut Corporation of America as a precautionary measure.  This recall is part of that huge peanut recall from earlier this year in which some peanuts were tainted with salmonella.  Way to react, fucking greedy Hannah Montana merchandising execs.  Didn’t other affected manufacturers do this, like, weeks ago?

According to The Mayo Clinic, symptoms of salmonella can include:

nausea and vomiting

abdominal pains and diarrhea

fever

chills

muscle pains

Fuck.  I feel like that every time I hear Miley Cyrus talk.  How is a fan to discern if it’s Miley’s grating cadence or the granola bar?

I can’t believe he didn’t tell me!  I am sure he just wanted to surprise me with the news, but my husband Pierce Brosnan was named ‘Sexiest Irishman’ in a YouGov survey.

So, you know the sick kid I mentioned?  Some say she’s my daughter but now I’m just calling her “Betrayer.”  While I was fixated on my Pierce porn, and really…that is a great name for a porn star, Betrayer informed me that not only was Brosnan not my husband, but that the wife he hired for photo-ops, since I shun the spotlight, was prettier than me.  Now, I’m not even in Keely Shaye-Smith’s league?

I have to sign off for awhile and do some boarding school research.  Back soon.

Kate Moss spent all those years braless in her Calvin Klein t-shirts and now she’s paying the price.

The totally sober Moss, and by “sober” I mean “wrecked”, attended a birthday party at the legendary Annabel’s nightclub in London last night.  In her typical partying spirit, she decided to let it all hang out when she departed the club at 2 a.m.

Dear God, she looks like a National Geographic special feature.

Sidenote:  my co-pilot is still sitting with me.  I tried hard to hide these pics but she saw them.  Kate Moss will be known as “That Girl Who Needs Clothes” forevermore.

This story comes from The Sun, so normally I’d just laugh and move on.  But a couple things caught my attention about this item.  Firstly, it wasn’t a story about Amy Winehouse, Jade Goody or Kerry Katona…this is huge and unheard of for The Sun.  Secondly, I totally could see this being true.  It just makes sense.

The Sun is reporting that Chris Brown’s lawyers have requested a special hearing to be held next week, in which they will ask that all charges be dropped against Brown.  They claim that this was a two-way, long-since resolved lover’s quarrel.

I don’t know how to break this to The Sun or Mark Geragos, but I don’t think felony charges are dropped when the participants kiss and make up.  They do tend to get dropped when a celebrity is involved, however.

My daughter isn’t feeling well today, so she’s curled up next to me as I attempt to get some work done.  She asked me what I was writing about so I told her.  “Today, I’m writing about how it’s never okay to hit another person.”  She thought about that for a moment and said, “That’s right.  Only hugging, no hitting.  And we shouldn’t spit in each other’s faces or bite each other either.  If people do that, they should have their magic powers taken away from them.”  Attention Chris Brown:  I have a four-year-old I’d like you to meet.

Taylor Swift is on and in April’s issue of Allure and she wants you to know that talking about love is fine but sex is an off limits topic.  Swift’s reasoning for the silence:  “It’s fine to talk about love publicly. But I think when you talk about virginity and sex publicly, people just automatically picture you naked. And as much as I can prevent people picturing me naked, I’m going to.”  I don’t know about you, but as soon as someone says, “Don’t imagine me naked,” that’s the first thing I do.

In regards to her relationships and how they relate to her music, she’s sounding a little Aniston-ish:  “Let’s say I date a guy who really does nothing but damage me. And you’ve spent time, you’ve spent effort, and you’ve put everything into trying to make that work. And it didn’t. So you write a song about it. It was worth everything, if you write a song about it.”  Dudette, you know your Jonas boy has moved on, right?

And in a heartbreaking indicator of just how many animated Disney movies Swift watched as a child, she imagines, “I have always been fascinated with fairy tales and the idea that Prince Charming is just one castle away.  And you’re gonna run across a field and meet each other in the middle and have an amazing, perfect movie kiss. And it’s gonna be happily ever after.”  Good luck with that Tay.

The issue is on stands March 24th.

This is just horrible!

Natasha Richardson — the daughter of Vanessa Redgrave and wife of Liam Neeson — is in critical condition in a Montreal hospital after being injured in a ski accident. She reportedly suffered head trauma, although details are slim.

Natasha and Liam, who have been married since 1994, have two sons, Micheál Richard Antonio, 13, and Daniel Jack, 12.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the whole family, and we’re hopeful for a full and speedy recovery for Ms. Richardson.