I’ve been waiting for this story to surface.  Chris Brown and Rihanna have decided to take a break in hopes of getting their minds clear.  I call total bullshit on this.  This isn’t a break, this is called, “Oh shit, if we ever hope to sell another album we better do something,” PR spin.

It explains why they are far apart from each other right now.  Brown is in L.A. working on his music and Rihanna has been in New York visiting friends and being photographed looking completely healthy and fine.

Now, let me tell you how this will unfold:  To the public, they will remain apart and on opposite coasts for a period of time.  When the media attention dies down, they will “reunite” and release a statement interspersed with words like “growth” and “maturity” and “respect” and “healthy.”   Rihanna and Chris will indicate their commitment, not just to each other but to their respective anger management counseling sessions.

Cynical?  Perhaps.  The good news is that nothing would thrill me more than to be wrong regarding this “break” being nothing more than an engineered scam.  Let’s hope these two stay far away from one another for life.

Leann Rimes and her Lifetime movie co-star Eddie Cibrian seemed to hit it off right from the start.  The Northern Lights director, Mike Robe, said, “From the moment we rehearsed, LeAnn and Eddie honestly developed a really strong bond and a warm relationship.”  Apparently, a really warm relationship.

On March 7th, Rimes and Cibrian, both married to other people, were caught on security video kissing at Mosun and Club M in Laguna Beach.  Like, kissing at their table.  Also, on March 14th, they spent three hours in a room at the Malibu Beach Inn.  Obviously, these people have no idea how to have an affair.  Don’t they know that it’s all about heavy petting at the cemetery in your car?  Le sigh.

Anyway, no word on what the spouses think, but the pics I found of Leann at Lady GaGa’s concert on March 13th, all show her with no husband and her wedding ring hand shoved in her pocket.  We all know what hidden hands mean:  secret engagement, secret split or “I like to fondle myself.”

What is it about these fucking Lifetime movie sets?  Do they just slip roofies into every beverage available at the crafts service table?  This is the work of Tori Spelling, I tell you.  She was married and filming one of those horrible Lifetime movies when she met and fell in love with her otherwise betrothed co-star too.

From now on, when Hollywood marriages break up in lieu of on-set hook-ups, I’m saying, “Oh, that marriage so got Toried.”

Natasha Richardson is definitely in a New York hospital now, as her mother, Vanessa Redgrave, was photographed entering the hospital to visit her ailing daughter.

The family is expected to make a statement on Wednesday about Natasha’s condition.

I, for one, will be praying, for the strength of her family and for a full recovery for Natasha, if that is God’s will. If you’re not a prayer person, you could just send some positive, healthy vibes out into the universe for this family. They need all the love they can get right now.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

First Whitney, then Lauren — I guess we couldn’t expect Audrina to stick around the scene, especially now that she got all that plastic surgery and got her ceiling eyes fixed. She’s on to bigger and better things — specifically, her own spinoff with Mark Burnett Productions. Burnett’s proposed reality series will follow Audrina’s personal and professional life. The show will be pitched to networks starting next week. OMG. You just cannot make a show about Audrina. Unless you’re going to market it as a less expensive alternative to Ambien. But you better believe this shit’s gonna get picked up and watched anyway, because kids these days are just getting dumber.

Where does this leave the rest of The Hills? Tragically, the producers don’t yet seem ready to throw in the towel. They are going to beat this horse until it’s either dead or it looks enough like Sarah Jessica Parker that they can use it in the cast. “We cannot confirm a sixth season at this time,” an MTV spokesperson said. “However, ‘The Hills’ will continue as long as there are stories to tell, and as of now we don’t see an end in sight.”

Please, God, please, don’t let this mean a series dedicated to the lives of Those Whose Name We Shall Not Speak. Please. This is what the terrorists want us to do, MTV. Don’t fall for it.

This is the scene of sheer insanity as Lindsay Lohan left a hair salon on Monday.

Geez, why would anyone want this level of fame? And how could you possibly keep in mind who you are as a person when this is the scene that greets you at a hair salon, let alone a court date? It must be so hard to keep your own identity in perspective when you face these people every day, scrambling all over each other to define an identity for you.

Also, why is Lindsay always in hair salons? Does she just have her extensions touched up twice a day or something? It’s really kind of ridiculous.

I swear there is never a Valentino event where Gwyneth’s GOOP-y little face doesn’t show up holding Valentino Garavani orange Muppet hand on the red carpet.

Gwyneth — sans “husband” Chris Martin — showed up to the premiere of the Valentino: The Last Emperor show at the MoMA in NYC. Seriously is there a point at which Valentino is going to look at these photos of his face and think to himself, “I look absolutely ridiculous”? Because this is what he always looks like on the red carpet. I sincerely believe it’s some kind of disease, some manner of body dysmorphia. I hate to compare an orange face to an eating disorder, but that’s kind of what’s happening here. Like he keeps looking in the mirror and thinking “NOT ORANGE ENOUGH!”

Anyway, also there were Blythe Danner, Anne Hathaway, Selita Ebanks and that fucking insane body of hers, socialite Tinsley Mortimer rocking the neons we’re starting to see on the carpet, Padma Lakshmi, Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy, Helena Christensen, Karolina Kurkova and Agyness Deyn.