Insert obligatory joke about his oldness and her weight.

There are times when you think someone famous has died. Then they show up on some late night talk show and turn your entire worldview on its head with their disturbing refusal to die. I’m not naming names, but Martin Landau, I’m lookin at you. Or rather, kind of in your direction and to the side of you because your face is scary.

And then there are times when a celebrity couple announces their engagement and you say, “I thought they were already married. For like, six years now.”

And that’s exactly what I said when I read the official announcement that Harrison Ford popped the question to girlfriend of 7 years Calista Flockhart over Valentine’s Day weekend. Congratulations. Everyone already thought you were married.

Next week I’ll be announcing that I’ve been born.

Those numbers on his arm count down how much time is left in his 15 minutes

I thought I’d share with you this picture of Ja Rule drinking antifreeze. Don’t knock it till you try it. As cats and babies will tell you, that shit is delicious.

Today I thought we’d answer the age old question that no one is really asking: “What ever happened to Ja Rule?” I know you don’t really care, and I think that’s sad.

Remember such classics as  “Always There on Time” featuring Ashanti? Remember “I’m Real” featuring Jennifer Lopez? Nope? Well, neither did I until I did a Youtube search. But it’s a good thing I did that search, or I never would have been reminded of this little gem. Helicopters for the world!

Ja popped up on the radar again this weekend while shooting the video for the Gwop Boys’ “Get Money”– album coming soon to an annoying guy in a parking lot near you who’ll accost you and pester you with dumb questions like “Do you like good music?” then get all pissed off and call you a cold ass bitch when you won’t fork over $15 for his terrible crap.

Ja looks tired and bored, mugging half-hearted gangsta poses while drinking cold duck and what is either lime Koolaid or that mysterious liquid from the inside of a glow stick. There’s absolutely no change in his expression, even when he’s surrounded by a bunch of hot video hoochies in undershirts.

It’s hard to be a gangsta.

I’m not sure whether that’s champagne in his cup or a big ole cup of disillusionment and bitterness. Hell, maybe it really is antifreeze.

I apologize in advance for busting in amidst Kelly’s debut weekend — which she is handling brilliantly — but I happen to be awake at 3 am to receive this breaking and very sad news:

British reality TV star Jade Goody has finally lost her battle with cervical cancer. She died, at the age of 27, in her home early Sunday morning.

We didn’t cover the story very much around here, because something about sensationalizing a cancer death didn’t sit right with me. I understand why Jade accepted a great deal of publicity surrounding her terminal diagnosis, and I don’t judge her one bit for doing everything in her power to leave her sons in a financially stable position. I just didn’t feel right covering it. A friend asked me about it just the other day, about why I never wrote about her. “I’ll write about her when she dies,” I said at the time.

I turn 27 on Tuesday. I cannot imagine going through everything Jade’s gone through at this age, and I have a great deal of respect for the grace and strength she showed throughout the process. Jade went from being a 20-year-old reality TV laughingstock to a model of death with dignity in less than a decade. It’s a funny thing, this life.

R.I.P., kiddo.

Beverly Hills Boutique Kitson hosted a Twilight DVD and apparel launch party this Saturday, with stars of the movie in attendance. Robert Pattinson couldn’t be there because he’s too busy writing terrible poetry and desperately hitting on ladies via Twitter. Not really. Although he could be.

Only 200 tickets were sold to the event, which probably consisted of standing around in line for a few hours and shelling out $75  for an overpriced t-shirt or hoodie with the movie’s logo emblazoned on the front– exactly what I’d expect from a “launch” event whose advertisement looks like something a 14-year-old whipped up in MS paint for their MySpace page.  That’s exactly  what the apparel line they’re launching will consist of– hoodies, thermals, and t-shirts with the movie’s logo printed all over them. C- for creativity.  I’d rather have Rachelle Lefevre’s dress.

Have any of you actually read those books or seen the movie? My inner bitch is dying to talk so much smack about them, but I’ll reserve judgment until I actually read the things. I used to crack on Harry Potter until I accidentally picked up Philosopher’s Stone and ended up reading the whole thing in a single night.

If you unfocus your eyes & stare at her dress long enough, a 3D image of dolphins jumping over the rings of Saturn will emerge.

As Wendie reported a few weeks ago in  a post appropriately titled “Why Do Celebrities Hate Their Babies?” it was widely rumored that M.I.A. had named her newborn son “Ickitt.”  As it turns out, his name is not nearly so ridiculous and we should all feel foolish for believing that she’d ever name her son something so silly. As M.I.A. so eloquently puts it on her Myspace blog:

“MY BABY IS NOT CALLED ICKITT, PICKIT OR LICKIT THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HES A BABY, HE DONT NEED PRESS! I DIDNT RELEASE THE BABY NAME BECAUSE I DIDNT THINK IT WAS NEWS!!!!

BUT I WILL BE BACK WITH SOMETHING NEWS WORTHY SOON , TILL THEN GO PICK ON APPLE, SATCHEL AND MOON UNIT.

LOTS OF LOVE STICKIT!!”

That’s right. He IS a baby. And he don’t need no press (although I wish M.I.A would press her caps lock button). He was never named “Ickitt.” Turns out his real name is the so-common-as-to-be-almost trite “Ikhyd Edgar Arular Bronfman.”  Given her thick British accent, it’s really hard to see how anyone could have possibly confused “Ickitt” for “Ikhyd.”

Strange baby names aside, let’s all hope she gets pregnant again sometime soon. In these tough times, the world should not be deprived of seeing M.I.A. in her ridiculous maternity outfits (as evidenced by the magic-eye dress pictured above).  I never get tired of looking at it.

Portia De Rossi publicly apologizes for marrying Ellen DeGeneres:

Thanks to Wendie for the heads up on that one.
I still think it’s sweet that they chose to share each others’ last names. You know, “De”?