Dancing With the Stars “contender” Steve Wozniak might not get many more opportunities to wear sequins and tassels… at least not outside the bedroom. Woz, who was already handicapped by a broken left foot bone, pulled his hamstring at rehearsal on Friday.

It’s not looking good that Steve will make it until Monday. He was spotted Friday night at a CVS pharmacy in Los Angeles “limping pretty badly,” according to a source. When a female fan offered Woz a “good luck” on this Monday’s show, he replied that he might be “off” by then and then limped away. “I hurt it today,” Woz added.

Why not let him get out there and dance on a Segway? He already does everything else on one.

Host Tom Bergeron also commented on how this season’s contestants have gone a little overboard with the spray-on liver failure.

“We have people come in to spray them. But there’s a little Oompa-Loompa going on this season. It’s not for me. I’m holding to the middle-age pasty-white-guy look.”

Sunday’s Monsters vs Aliens premiere was a veritable who’s who of people you’re not supposed to be attracted to, but probably are.
There were a few who walked the red (or rather, blue) carpet that would be considered mainstream-acceptably hot (Kiefer Sutherland, Paul Rudd, Reese Witherspoon). But there were just as many celebrities about whom many of you have probably had the occasional raunchy dream, but were too embarrassed to tell anyone. I can tell you from my own dreams that Seth Rogen is very gentle and Hugh Laurie’s beard tickles. Rainn Wilson and Jack Black are on a few of your lists, I’m sure. Hell, maybe some of you are even attracted to that big, blue, animated blob.

Personally,  I love Reese’s dress. But I can also see how some people would think it looks like scraps of Christmas wrapping paper sewn together.

Alex likes the whores

After I mentioned that I’m a sports fan, someone requested more gossip on sports celebrities, specifically hockey players. But until Sean Avery fucks up again, or puts out another video of him shopping for womens’ handbags, you’ll just have to satiate yourself by reading about the latest major league baseball player to shove the great American pastime even further into a needle-filled toilet.
It seems doing copious amounts of nut-shrivelling magic muscle juice just wasn’t enough for Alex Rodriguez. While he was pounding the roids, he was also pounding the whores.

Kristin Davis, the New York pimp who also tattled on Governor Eliot Spitzer, reports that A-Rod became a regular client after he tried (and failed) to pick her up at a gym. He bunted a few balls at some of her whores, then sent Davis a few pathetic attempts at flirting via email:

Rodriguez: “Thanks for setting me up with Samantha. She was gorgeous. But she is not you. When can I see you you are gorgeous . . .”

Davis: “Hi Alex. You don’t want to see me. I’m no fun. lol. Just because your (sic) so sweet, here are some pics of me and I appreciate the compliments. Your (sic) a doll. Thanks, Kristin”

Rodriguez: “You have been playing hard to get for a year now, your (sic) killing me.”

Davis: “It’s not playing I am hard to get. Maybe you should try harder.”

Rodriguez: “Kristin, I definitely will and I love the pics. I put the one on my cell so I can look at you all the time. Alex.”

Davis: “You are too sweet. I’ll let you know when I get someone you like.”

So just how long do you think it’ll be before he claims sex addiction?

Just in case you missed it, Rihanna was out and about earlier this week in Hollywood, sans sunglasses and bruises and she looks great. It must feel good to finally be able to take the sunglasses off. Let’s just hope it’s a metaphor for the larger situation, and better night vision isn’t the only way in which she’s seeing more clearly.

Madonna, wearing her front lawn and grabbing Rihanna's ass, cuz that's how she rolls.

Madonna has reportedly called it quits with Brazillian model and sometimes boyfriend Jesus Luz. Apparently she’d been considereing ending the fling for some time because she was afraid it might affect her chances of adopting another child from Malawi to be a little brother or sister for her son David.

Photos that surfaced of Jesus nailing a lingerie model put the proverbial nail in the wrists and feet.

Do you realize that the English translation of that guy’s name is “Jesus Light”? And that she dated a guy whose name is about as close as you can get phonetically to naming someone “God” without actually naming them “God”? Obsessed much?

I’m starting a betting pool where you can wager on the name of her next lover. Your choices are:

1. Joseph

2. Gud

3. Andchild

Bruce Willis and girlfriend Emma Hemming got hitched Saturday morning in a small ceremony held at Bruce’s home in the Carribean Islands of Turks & Caicos, proving that divorcing Demi Moore may not have been the stupidest move he could have ever made. With his marriage to Hemming, both sides of that divorce have now moved on to much younger paramours.

I can only guess that they are both alien succubi who need to constantly divorce and remarry younger mates from which they can slowly drain the life force energy necessary to sustain their people suits. Bruce has been needing younger prey for some time now. Look how much his people suit has decayed!