Lindsay Lohan may be overdoing it on the … uh … Red Bull, because Gatecrasher is reporting that she’s broke as a joke right now.

According to friends of the two, Lindsay’s overspending is out of control, and it’s putting additional strain on the ladies’ already volatile relationship.

“Lindsay is spending like crazy!” a friend of the actress tells us. “She’s living on credit right now. She has no cash. The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Sam’s because Lindsay doesn’t really have any of her own at the moment; she’s really taken on the ‘man’ role in their romance. Sam really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a recessionista and manage her money better.”

A second pal agrees. “Lindsay’s money situation has never been great, but it’s only gotten worse over the last month. For every dollar she makes, she spends double. Her personal appearance fees are literally the only thing keeping her afloat. But here’s the rub: Because of her explosive relationship with Sam, she’s unable to get the type of cash she’s used to. The negative press and constant appearance cancellations are hurting her pocketbook.”

Recent extravagant purchases the starlet has made include a $30K Rolex watch and a new Maserati, a glam ride which usually costs upward of $100K.

I don’t know how true this is. I mean, Lindsay didn’t exactly inherit a lot of smarts about money (you’ll recall that her father is a former Wall Street trader who did four years in the slammer for stock fraud … NOT SMART), and it’s not like she’s making a whole lot of movies or albums lately, but she is still one of the most famous people on the planet, and there’s money to be made there. Sure, she may be flaking on party appearances, but let’s err on the low side and say she makes $10K for an appearance. So if she manages to drag her hungover ass to just 5 of those a month, she’s making $50K/month. Add to that her fairly consistent modeling gigs (she recently told Nylon mag that she’d be happy just focusing on modeling), whatever under-the-table money she’s getting from photo agencies and for product placement, and residuals on her past hit films and albums, and realistically this girl is clearing $100K/month easily. Let’s say 20% of that goes to her agents and PR folks, so we’ll give her $80K/month, and this is probably a very low estimate. Take out taxes (after the fact that she can write off basically everything she does ever) and we’re looking at $60K/month. Again, this is probably a VERY LOW estimate of her income.

The Maserati, assuming she’s on a payment plan, is running her around $3500/month. Mortgage is probably $10K, maybe a little more. She probably spends around $5K on hair monthly, plus a stylist and makeup artist at around $5K. I assume most of her travel and hotels are funded by whomever’s hosting the event she’s attending, but let’s go ahead and budget $15K/month for travel. Gas, food, etc is negligible here. Alcohol’s probably comped most of the time she’s out, and let’s budget “party favors” at $15K, although this may be a low number, but I’m assuming she gets most of it for free. So we’ve got her at around $55K/month in financial obligations, and the rest is free for shopping, much of which is probably given away to her or sold at a deep discount.

I have no idea why I just spent twenty minutes of my life doing Lindsay Lohan’s budget, but I’m always kind of annoyed with these “LINDSAY IS BROKE!” stories when odds are she’s doing just fine.

My sister’s in town visiting this week, and somehow the topic of Anne Hathaway came up. My sister was like, “I never like her in movies,” and I was like, “You know, me neither. I like that she was dating a “Vatican” con-man, I like that she sold him out to the Feds, and I like what she wears when Rachel Zoe styles her, but I never actually do like her in movies.” So I have to admit that I’m kind of disappointed that Anne’s been chosen to play Judy Garland in her upcoming biopic, Get Happy: The Life of Judy Garland.

Even weirder: They’re doing both a film AND stage adaptation, and Anne will star in both. SOMEBODY KEEP HER AWAY FROM THE SUSHI!

Seriously though I think they were looking for someone who has proven she can sing, dance, and play a drug addict, so I don’t understand how Courtney Love was passed up for this role. They must have wanted a brunette.

David Letterman has always struck me as so logical and rational, but he’s gone hog-wild and married his girlfriend of twenty-three years.  The transcript from tonight’s Late Show With David Letterman:

On Thursday, at 3 PM, March 19, 2009 at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, I was married to Regina Lasko.

Regina and I began dating in February of 1986, and I said, ‘Well, things are going pretty good, let’s just see what happens in about ten years….’

…I had avoided getting married pretty good for, like, 23 years, and I – honestly, whether this happened or not – I secretly felt that men who were married admired me…like I was the last of the real gunslingers, you know what I’m saying?

So now, we get ready to go and we’ve got to drive into the courthouse and it’s muddy, and we’re supposed to be there at 2, and it’s me, Regina and Harry in the truck, in the pickup truck…So we get two miles from the house and we get stuck in the mud – I mean, turn the truck over, stuck in the mud. So now we think, ‘Well, somebody’ll come– no, nobody comes along. Nobody comes along – it’s Thursday afternoon, who’s coming along, Zorro? No, nobody – so I get out of the truck and I walk two miles back to the house into a 50 mile an hour wind. It’s not Beverly Hills, it’s Montana, for God’s sakes. And the whole way, I’m thinking, ‘See, smart ass, see, see, you try to get married, this is what happens. See, well, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself. Could have happened any other day, but you wait now, see, this is what you get.’ So then we get in the car and Harry says, ‘Are we still going into town?’ and I said, ‘Yes, we are,’ and he gets very upset because mom had told him if I wasn’t back in an hour, the deal was off.

There aren’t too many pictures of his wife, Regina Lasko.  I do have one in the photo gallery of the happy couple with their son, Harry.

Congratulations!

Hard to believe it’s that time of the month again, but like breaking open a new pack of Yaz, it’s time for March’s installment of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox broke up.

I don’t really have the energy to come with a new and creative way to spoon this information out to you all, so can we just get this over with?  God, this feels like the goodbye sex you never want to have.  Like, where you’re totally over the dude but you feel obligated to give him the Sayonarascrew.

She moved out.  He’s devastated and crying.  They’ll be back together before this moon phase is over.  The end.

And I seriously hosey, “What in the god damn fuckery is this shit and why does Cindy Crawford have a shaving cream dick in this April 2009 Allure magazine picture?”

Other than that, have at it.

Pay attention beyotches!  Mischa Barton is opening up-and no, not her legs this time.  She is back in the media, sharing her wisdom-yet again.  Will there ever be a day when we won’t have to be victim to her wisdom?  The answer is “No!”

Mischa is just so insightful-she really needs a pulpit and I’m willing to help make that happen.  I will personally lead the motion for the creation of a new religion-Mischatology, anyone?

Lesson one in the Book of Mischatology: Don’t get married.

The never married but always mighty Mischa has spoken:

“You see a lot of relationships fall apart because it’s the last step. There’s nothing left and a lot of dudes freak out and the women become bitchier. I see it to be bad for relationships.”

You know what I see to be bad for relationships?  Taking advice from Mischa Fucking Barton. So, before you all start tossing your engagement rings in the river, may we review Mischa Barton’s love life?  I’ll leave out the one night stands because I’m pretty sure that even the WordPress blogging platform that we use here has a character limit.

2004-05-  Brandon Davis.  Druggie, loser, leech.

2005-07-  Cisco Adler, better known as Penduballs.

2007-08-  Jamie Dornan

2008-      Brett Simon, Taylor Locke, Josh Hartnett

2008-09    Luke Pritchard

However, to fully subscribe to this new religion created by me, I must surrender and blindly follow her teachings.  Mischa’s doctrine is the gospel and I must abide by her word.  I’ll start by petitioning Richard Carpenter for a re-write of The Carpenter’s classic, played at every wedding in the 1970s, “We’ve Only Just Begun.”  I, uh, propose:  “We’ve Reached The Finish Line.”

Lesson two in The Book Of Mischatology:  Get Married When You Have Kids

Though Barton states clearly that marriage is an ending, she fully plans to indulge in the married bitchiness so her kids can pay the price…lucky (non) bastards!

“Whoever is going to be the father of my children, I’ll probably inevitably marry,” she tells OK!   “But that’s not on the cards anytime soon.”

Whew…thankfully that’s not on the cards anytime soon.

Stay tuned for more from The Teachings Of Mischatology including a chapter I’m really looking forward to, titled How I Made Ankle Weights Work For Me.