No, that’s not Madonna’s newest conquest she’s cuddled up with.  That’s her adopted son, Malawi native, David Banda.  Now, Madonna is looking to add to her brood.

A representative at the Ministry of Gender and Child Development in Malawi confirms that Madge is heading back to the African country to adopt another child.  Her adoption papers have already been filed and could be ruled on in the courts next week.

Madonna is getting so Mia Farrow-ish in her old age.  It’s really nice to see!

Since 2007′s flop I Know Who Killed Me, Lindsay Lohan has been in only one movie-Labor Pains.  The plot of this movie is that the main character, Lohan, pretends to be pregnant in order to keep her job.  Oh, the hilarity that won’t will ensue!

MTV Movies Blog is now reporting that Labor Pains isn’t going to get a theatrical release.  It is now slated for a cable television debut in July, 2009 and a DVD release in August, 2009.  How very Jessica Simpson of Linds!

I haven’t given up on Lindsay yet-if Mickey Rourke can make a comeback, Lohan can too.  Lindsay:  peel off your leggings and exfoliate.  Get the spoon out of your nose and the leech out of your bed.  You can rise to mediocrity again!

I have to share something I just realized.  Every day that I write here on Evil Beet, I learn something new.  Today I learned that Lindsay Lohan triggers me to overuse exclamation points!

Scarlett Johansson has been all the talk this week since showing up at a “Tribute to Film” looking, reportedly, very thin.  According to Page Six, ScarJo was prating on about her super strict regimen in anticipation of the filming of Iron Man 2.

Now before we all start having kittens and spiral into two hundred comments about society’s issues with body weight, I never thought Scarlett Johansson was fat.  I didn’t think she was fat before and I don’t think she’s fat now.  But I can’t help but wonder if this story of Scarlett’s extreme thinness wasn’t sourced from her publicist.  Because I really can’t see any difference, whatsoever in her appearance.  Sure, maybe her boobs are a little smaller, and yes, I’ve included pics of the ScarJo of yesteryear so that you may compare.  You’re welcome.

Here’s a picture of Rihanna’s newest tat, done by the aptly named tattoo artist BangBang.  She originally wanted a gun tattoo on each arm but felt that they would compromise her contract with Cover Girl.

What have we learned today?  Offensive ink placement?  Bad.  Staying with abuser?  All good.

I read this story about Doug Reinhardt and Paris Hilton potentially having babies and it has left me with so many unanswered questions.  When two douches reproduce, what are their babies called?  Are they mini-Massengills?  Demi-douches?  Douchettes?  Victims?  Do you feed them with a douche bottle?  And, what do the parents use to carry the Pampers and Desitin?  Douche bags?

In Touch just needs to shut the fuck up and not even write these stories if they aren’t going to get the answers to the most obvious of questions that every reader must be asking themselves.  I really consider them to be the most irresponsible of journalists today.

Nicole’s longtime BFF, Paris Hilton, 28, may be joining the mom club now that she’s serious with The Hills’ Doug Reinhardt. “Paris would make a great mom — she’s my Angel Princess. I’d love to have some mini Parises one day,” Doug told In Touch at LA’s MyHouse on March 20. “I’d love to have children, that’s what completes your life,” added Paris. Doug, 23, is also a better fit than her ex Benji Madden. “She thought she could look past his tattoos and piercings, but Paris wants her children to have a clean-cut father,” says an insider. “And they’re crazy about each other.”

Hunter Tylo:  I know you hard core celebuaddicts will know who she is, but she isn’t a household name.  And you don’t need to know who she is to appreciate her.  This over-tooled bitch has a life story with enough tragic material to make a Lifetime movie.  A mini-series really.  If I’m being totally honest, based on her most recent life choice, she could probably get a thirteen episode show.  A Lifetime show now; a True Hollywood Story, later.  I’m getting ahead of myself though.  Let me get you up to speed on Hunter:

Hunter Tylo is a soap actress.  She has been featured on All My Children, Days of Our Lives and The Bold and the Beautiful.  I must confess, I originally wrote “the now defunct The Bold and the Beautiful.”  That show is still on the air but Life on Mars isn’t as of next week?  Okay, I’m trying to let go…give me time.

In 1996, Hunter was offered a role on Melrose Place.  Shortly after she accepted, she announced that she was pregnant.  Aaron Spelling fired her, she sued and won $4.8M even though she never filmed one episode.

In 1998, her daughter was diagnosed with some rare eye cancer.  After the removal of one eye, it spread to the other.  Then the tumor just disappeared.

In 2005, her eighteen-year marriage to Guiding Light actor Michael Tylo ended.

In 2007, Hunter’s nineteen-year-old son accidentally drowned when he had a seizure while swimming.

Last year brought even more drama to Tylo when she had to file a restraining order against her boyfriend, Corey Cofield.  According to court documents, Cofield “snuck in the house in order to trap me upstairs.  When I tried to go past him, he violently grabbed my wrist, and as I tried to get free, he grabbed my neck tightly and said, ‘I’m not going to go away that easy.’”  Earlier in that same month, Tylo claimed that he “locked the bedroom door after I caught him in a lie about another woman and forced me to have sex saying, ‘Tell me you love me. Say it like you mean it.’”   In addition, court records detail how Hunter’s daughters were “visibly shaking” after he disciplined them while she was at work.

And now, for the most recently written chapter, Hunter Tylo is getting hitched!  She’s marrying the bedroom-door-locking rapist because they’ve, you know, worked out their issues-parenting classes, anger management classes and a withdrawn restraining order.

I really think there is a screenplay here.  Protagonist tries to do well but is a beautiful caged bird, unable to escape her tragic set of circumstances?  Check.  Courtroom action with eventual vindication?  Check.  Catastrophic disease exterminated all thanks to a miracle?  Check.  Horrible tragedy resulting in the loss of a child or spouse?  Check.

A side note to Danielle Steele:  I really think you should consider suing Hunter Tylo for some sort of copyright infringement; she is living your books.

After the jump, this is what seven or eight years of tragedy and surgery can do to you.

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