Melrose Place’s Newest Neighbor

Despite my fervent nightly prayers, the CW is moving forward with its plans for a Melrose Place remake.  In an enjoyable twist, and perhaps the only strategy that could have ever made me tune into this disaster-in-waiting, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has been cast as the newest tenant.

Are you ready for the complex and completely original character profile?  Ash plays a small-town girl with a secret.  Sigh, yawn and snort.

Ashlee hasn’t acted in four years (unless you count the lip-synching and “Jessica is skinny,” statements) since she appeared on 7th Heaven.  Hey, maybe her old co-star Jessica Biel could get a guest spot on MP as a slutty visitor from out of town.  Because really, that’s who lives at Melrose Place-you’re either a country bumpkin that murdered your abusive daddy, boyfriend or sister or you’re a scheming vixen that has mastered the quizzical eyebrow arch and fucks everyone.  Thankfully, everyone plays their part in push-ups, stilettos and bad hair extensions.

All I know is this:  I will be watching every episode closely.  In my estimation, it’s not an official comeback until some hair-pulling bitchfest results in Ashlee and a fellow low-rent resident falling into the pool.