Thanks Laremy!

Before we get into the meat of this particular story, I would just like to bitch about Jessica Alba for a bit.

You see, when she was pregnant, she didn’t want photographers anywhere near her. She was awful about it. She later claimed she felt fat and disgusting and didn’t want people to see her that fat. Jessica: YOU WERE PREGNANT. It’s OKAY to put on a little bit of weight during that particular time period!

So, anyway, now that the baby’s out (and she INSTANTLY dropped the baby weight), Jessica cannot whore out that child frequently enough. I don’t run most of the photos on here, but you better believe that the photo agencies have new pics of Jessica with that small child damn near every day. And Jessica is not hiding her face or her baby’s — in fact, odds are she’d alerted the photo agencies beforehand. So I guess I’m just really annoyed that she was so ashamed of her pregnant body, but is now happy to use the result of that pregnant body to get her some publicity.

If you hadn’t noticed, Jessica dropped the pregnancy weight almost instantly (surgery, anyone?), but now she’s talking about how hard she worked out to get it off. “[The workouts] were horrible,” she said. “I cried. And I haven’t worked out since.” By “workouts” she of course means “liposuction recovery,” but whatever.

And as for the actual process of giving birth?

“Contractions aren’t that bad. If you’ve ever had bad cramps? That’s what they’re like,” she says. “But that moment when they put the baby on your chest – that’s deep. It’s a deep experience.”

Mothers? Is this true? I have heard way worse things about contractions. Maybe Jess just had it easy?

And as for being away from her tot for work?

“This is the first time I’ve been away from her. It’s been six days. It sucks; it’s the worst thing ever. But we Skype, so I can see her on video. The worst is when you can see her little chubby hands grab the screen, and I’m not there” she says, wiping away tears. “That’s a new thing – I never cried before. Just being a mother is making me a big, weepy mess.”

Google has just launched what I like to call the Worst Idea Ever, but they’re calling it iLatitude. Basically you can use cell phones and Google Maps to figure out where all your friends are at all times. Now, don’t worry, you can hide your location from anyone at any time, but then when that person’s your wife she’s gonna be all like, “Dude, if you were at the office, why did you have to hide your location from me? WHY?”

Seriously, this is the worst thing ever to happen to the world. I will not be signing up. Until all my friends do and pressure me to, and then I will, and then I’m going to hack into it so that my location always shows up as “In Michael Phelps’ Bed.”

The book was not a huge hit.  This hasn’t deterred Lynne Spears from shopping around for a deal to bring her Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World masterpiece to film.

Can we talk casting?  The main characters are Lynne, Jamie, Brit, Jamie Lynn, K-Fed, Sam Lufti and Adnan Ghalib and a pink wig.  What actors possess the talent and depth needed to navigate these complicated roles?  Is there any earthly being that could fill Britney’s flip-flops?  I’m not sure but I’m campaigning for Taylor Swift in the role of Brit.

Twenty-five bucks says this goes right to Lifetime.

A few weekends ago, after this performance, the media and blogs started reporting that Joaquin Phoenix’s transition from acting to music was some sort of Andy Kaufman-like hoax.  I didn’t write about it because I knew it was his PR team doing spin.  You just know there were closed door conversations that sounded like “He’s so bad-we have to tell everyone it was a joke we were doing for a documentary.”

Phoenix now confirms that he’s just really, really bad.  I, for one, am glad he’s talking to People and setting the record straight.

“There’s not a hoax,” Phoenix tells the Associated Press of doubts about his sudden conversation (sic) from movie star to hip-hop artist. “Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that’s possible, but that’s certainly not my intention.”

Questions about his intentions surfaced after the newly bearded Phoenix, 34, took the stage in Las Vegas on Jan. 16 in an ill-fated debut of his new career. A video of his performance shows him falling off the stage, though he says it looks worse than it was.

“I had a lot of dudes come up and say, `We really respect you for doing it, putting yourself out there, and going with it,’” he tells AP. “Because I think true hip-hop heads know that it’s hard, it’s going to be a hard transition, and people are going to be lining up just to make fun of me.”

How the hell does being an unintelligible pogo stick that eventually launches ones self off of a stage “look worse than it was”?  Might he be ridiculous?  Oh, it’s a given.  And the dudes who are telling him to “go with it” are gossip bloggers that need new material.  Isn’t that painfully obvious?

Unless this interview is part of the hoax.  Ugh.

“Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people. … The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.”

Stephen King discussing authors he likes and, obviously, devastated authors he doesn’t like.

Can someone explain this to me?  I didn’t read the Twilight series and really have no intention to.  Vampires never did it for me.  But everyone around me raves about how great they are-the books, that is-not vampires.  Except my mother.  She said Stephenie Meyer was a suck-ass writer months ago.  I just thought she was bitter; turns out, she may have had a point.  So, I’m confused (again).  Are her books the best thing ever or are Stephen King and my mom just crazy?