I seriously feel a little sick reading this.  Like Paris Hilton fragrance sets, it seems like there is a new version of the Chris Brown/Rihanna story being released every ten minutes.  This most recent edition is one of the more disturbing:

Now MediaTakeOut.com can EXCLUSIVELY report that Rihanna does NOT want Chris Brown to be criminally punished for the alleged assault. According to an EXTREMELY reliable insider, Rihanna is NO LONGER assisting investigators in their criminal case against Chris Brown.

Unfortunately for Chris, that’s probably not going to make the charges go away. Police claim that, on the scene of the incident, Rihanna identified Chris Brown as the man who assaulted her. Additionally, police have physical evidence. MediaTakeOut.com can OFFICIALLY CONFIRM that Rihanna’s face and arm were severely bruised in the incident and Chris suffered from minor bruising as well.

In fairness, the New York Daily News is reporting it completely different:

Rihanna is providing “ongoing” cooperation with detectives, who are building a domestic violence case against Brown, a police source told the Los Angeles Times.

Yes, the case would move forward without Rihanna’s participation.  However, getting a conviction will be much more difficult without her testimony.  Rihanna, you have to do it, not only for restoration of your own self-esteem, but for all the young girls that look up to you.  And to make sure that (alleged!) bastard serves time.

Didn’t baby factory, Nadya Suleman, tell us that she refused to accept welfare?  Yeah, she totally lied.  She gets $490 a month in food stamps.  Even her mouthpiece knows it’s bullshit.  Suleman’s spokesperson, Michael Furtney explained, “In her view these are just payments made for people with legitimate needs and are not, in her view, welfare.  She just believes that there are programs for people with needs and she and her children qualify for some of them.” Yes, such programs for people with needs do exist.  Those programs are called welfare.

So, listen.  I have nothing against welfare programs.  Sometimes people need help; every child needs a meal.  What I do get pissed about is this:  if you can’t afford to feed six kids, why go get implanted with eight more?

Dudes, that’s Courtney “Thank Christ This Wall Is Here” Love last night at the ELLE Style Awards.  What the hell happened to her?  Oh, wait, I know the answer to that.  Diet and exercise and most certainly not gastric bypass.  I’m addicted to all those TLC shows like Half Ton Mom, Half Ton Teen, Half Ton Dad and have lost entire weekends to their obesity clinic marathons.  One thing that all the bypass patients seem to experience is flabby excess skin from rapid post-surgery weight loss-kind of like Courtney has on her sides and back.  Except Love’s is due to diet and exercise-not, uh, surgery.  Nope, that shit is the result of macrobiotic living.

The rest of the night went something like this:  Anna Friel was there in a dress emblazoned with the word “NO”.  Anna, please start listening to your wardrobe; It is wise.  Mickey Rourke got all Lindsayish and started swigging clear liquid out of an Evian bottle, Pixie Geldof had severe panty lines.  Thandie Newton concluded that she was better than everyone there and Frieda Pinto wore shoulder condoms.

Hi y’all!

My gorgeous, sweet and brilliant friend Jen Rehm just started an amazing company called Lumnique Candles. It’s a very cool website where you can customize beautiful candles for your friends or yourself. You can choose the color and scent of your candle, and include a customized message. It makes a great gift, and Jen is an amazing person who has, in the past, dropped everything to support me through some seriously messed up shit, so please check out her website and pass it along to your friends. If there is anyone worth supporting in this world, it’s Jen. She is just one of those beautiful, sincere, unique people that the world needs more of!! You can check out her Facebook profile to see how gorgeous she is on the outside — and trust me when I say that the inside matches! I adore Jen so much, and I would love to see her business succeed — she’s earned it! (And, to all my friends, her candles would make a FANTASTIC birthday gift for me — if you’re not going to buy me a pony!)

Check out Lumnique Candles!!!!
Check out Lumnique Candles!!!!
Check out Lumnique Candles!!!!

Oh hells yeah!

Finally some GOOD NEWS today!

BritneySpears.com has confirmed that the adorable and supportive Felicia Culotta, aka “Fe” — Britney’s original assistant — has left her job with the Jonas Brothers to rejoin Team Britney!

“Britney has always held a special place in my heart, and over the course of the last year I have seen her work harder than she ever has in her entire life. Sadly, I am really going to miss the Jonas boys, but I felt I had to be a part of this exciting time in Britney’s career. I love Britney and missed her dearly.”

Oh, yay!

Fe is a longtime friend of the Spears family, and her return to Team Brit can only mean good things! She is definitely a good influence. Hooray!

WELCOME BACK, FE!!! We’ve all missed you!

Oh my gosh, you guys!

This is JUST AWFUL!!

From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources have now gotten specific with us… police took pictures of Rihanna’s injuries and they are “horrific.”

As we reported, the photos show major contusions on both sides of the singer’s face — there is serious swelling and bruising. Her lip is split and her nose bloody. We have now confirmed there are bite marks on one of her arms and on several fingers.

And we now know this… Rihanna claims Brown struck her with his fists and that’s what did the damage. There was no object used in the alleged attack.

Rihanna refused treatment at the scene, but before she left cops took photos. We’re told the photos alone are “devastating proof of abuse.”

And we’ve learned it was not Rihanna who called 911. Someone in the area heard her screams and called.

HOLY SHIT.

I don’t even know what to say about this. I’m speechless, and I’m so upset. I’ve always been a big supporter of Chris Brown, and I just feel betrayed by this vile and despicable behavior.

And I have to say I am totally grossed out by those of you who have been commenting that Rihanna may have been “asking for it.” How could anyone be asking for this? Are you people fucking crazy? You can talk all the shit you want about Rihanna, but to suggest that a woman could be “asking” to be physically abused is to perpetuate the idea that this behavior is in any way acceptable. It is not. Physical abuse is not acceptable in any relationship, by any party, ever. It is never warranted. I have dated a lot of men in my life, and I have been a raging bitch to some of them — and I take responsibility for that — but not a single one of them has ever laid a hand on me, or even come close. Because it is never acceptable, and many men understand that. There is NO SENSE in dating any one of the filthy, disgusting creatures who doesn’t. Got it, ladies?