We seem to be rolling into that time of year where it feels like every celebrity’s carrying a human in their tummy.

Up now: Alyson Hannigan, who was spotted strolling with her hubby, Alexis Denisof, in Santa Monica yesterday. Alyson’s due this spring.

I’m still pretty far off from having a human in my tummy, but I was re-watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua on DVD tonight, for a review I’m writing, and I had my own little chihuahua sitting right next to me and my kitties perched on the chairs around the living room, and I remembered that I am DEFINITELY a mother. I swear my little animal children are the cutest things on the planet. And they didn’t even stretch out my vagina when they were born! Totally perfect little family.

JK, you guys! JK!

Katie’s not really sad — she’s just filming a movie. WHY WOULD KATIE HOLMES BE SAD?

Here’s Mrs. Cruise breaking out her very best Joey Potter for a scene in her upcoming movie, The Extra Man, which is currently filming in Manhattan.

Is it possible her face is getting even more angular?

Rumors swirled that Nicole might be expecting another baby (so soon!) after she showed up at the Tokyo premiere of Australia looking a little larger than usual and clutching her belly conspicuously as she walked the red carpet with co-star Hugh Jackman.

What do you guys think? Preggers?

And what do you think of her dress? That is QUITE a lot of tassle. It would certainly help to disguise any baby bump. Now if only Nicole would stop holding her tummy like she’s pregnant …

After unexpectedly dropping out of his Broadway play, Speed the Plow, citing mercury poisoning, Jeremy Piven convinced a group of fellow actors that he did not violate his contractual obligations on Thursday, thereby avoiding potential penalties for his high-profile departure.

You can read Piven’s official statement on the topic here, but here are some of my favorite excerpts:

Despite his worsening illness, Mr. Piven appeared in SPEED THE PLOW without missing a single performance during the show’s Previews and run for ten weeks, with glowing reviews. To do so, he underwent nearly daily care and treatment by multiple health care professionals at his own expense in order to combat his ongoing symptoms, which included extreme fatigue, spatial and balance problems, advancing neuroskeletal weakness, memory problems, difficulty breathing, and an alarmingly low resting heart rate. His treating physician repeatedly advised him to pull out of the show so that he could obtain the rest required to overcome his illness. Instead, Mr. Piven continued doing eight shows per week so that he would not let down his castmates, the audience, or the production. …

Although Mr. Piven’s forced withdrawal from the show was an enormous personal disappointment since it was his life-long dream to perform on Broadway, he is glad that his illness has helped raise public awareness of the serious health risks caused by Mercury exposure. He is also pleased that the Obama administration is seeking an international treaty to reduce Mercury pollution, which it has recognized as the world’s gravest chemical problem.

Uhhhh, so are you guys eating less sushi now? To prevent the mercury poisoning? Has your awareness been raised, guys? Or are you just more aware of the jokes about Jeremy Piven’s mercury poisoning?

Also why would “Mercury” be capitalized in this statement? Are you supposed to capitalize the name of every element on the periodic table, or was Jeremy Piven getting too close to a Roman god?

Sigh.

I got this in my inbox today — it’s a statement from Linda Hogan, in response to this.

I’ll just type it out here, in case you didn’t read that closely enough:

“Any threat from Ed Graziano would and is being taken very seriously. We all prey for John’s recovery. This kind of behavior is why John turned to us as a loving family and we made him one of our own. God Bless John.”

Yes, that’s right, while hundreds of thousands of Americans who know how to write in English are collecting unemployment and fruitlessly job-hunting, this dude is fully employed, issuing statements to the press that confuse “pray” and “prey.”

Linda should have her boyfriend proofread these things instead. At least he’s been to high school recently.

And, really, all spelling mistakes aside, who the hell uses such an awful and tragic situation to self-promote? Really, Linda?

On Thursday, Tom Brady married the woman he left his pregnant girlfriend for, Gisele Bundchen. It was thoughtful of them to not make their wedding a gigantic press circus, but I feel compelled to continually remind everyone that Bridget Moynahan was pregnant when Tom Brady ditched her for a supermodel.

The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars …

The ceremony — which began at dusk — was “very small and intimate,” a source tells Us, adding that guests mostly consisted of immediate family. Brady’s son with ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, John Edward Thomas Moynahan, was also present.

The couple tied the knot at St. Monica Catholic Church in Santa Monica. I know I’m a Jew girl and stuff, but I’ve been there for mass a few times (long story) and not only is it a gorgeous church, it’s great for celeb-spotting! If you’re even in LA and you want to pray with the stars, head on over to St. Monica … well, that is, if you’ve already hit up the Kabbalah Center and the Scientology building …

Congrats to Tom and Gisele, I suppose.