Remember when I wrote this and so many people got into a lather thinking that I could draw oxygen on this planet and think that Tori Spelling was pretty?  Oh, you didn’t know me very well back then, did you?  Head-turning Tori appeared at Christian Siriano’s Fall 2009 show yesterday at Fashion Week.  Her face makes me wonder-Are you supposed to be able to see the implants under the skin?

Of course, this picture was taken after Tori’s freak-out session.  When she arrived at the show, a guard asked to see her invitation.  After a couple minutes of “Don’t you know who I am?  I’m Donna Fucking Martin, the one who has no trouble being the oldest virgin in 90210 because I’m so fucking ugly,” she was promptly ushered to her stable seat.

Nicole Richie, photographed with baby Harlow, on the streets of New York wearing the exact outfit I wore on the first day of high school.

It’s been rumored many times, but this time may be different.  Could Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford finally be getting married?  According to talk in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, the couple have obtained a blood test and a marriage license.  That would mean they’ve got thirty days to seal the deal in the town where they own a 800-acre ranch.

The couple have already accomplished the gargantuan feat of staying together for seven years.  I don’t understand why they want to doom it by getting married.  I’m such a romantic.

Race car driver Danica Patrick pondered the question of the ages (literally) with US Magazine:  What actress would you want to play you in a movie about your life?

“I’ve always said Angelina Jolie would be great because she’s an action star,” Patrick, 26, told a group of Canadian bloggers. “Although I don’t quite look like her,” Patrick goes on. What about Jennifer Aniston? “I don’t think that’d be age appropriate,” she says of the He’s Just Not That Into You star, who just celebrated her 40th birthday. “She’s older than me!”

Hard to picture either of them clamoring for that role.

Isn’t it unfortunate when a celeb is tragically positioned in front of a movie poster?  She looks like she went ballistic with Ken Paves/Jessica Simpson hair extensions.  Oh well!

Ah, and not that anyone will be doing a biopic of me, but if I had to pick for myself, hmmm….Janeane Garofalo, maybe?  I asked my mother who she would cast as me and she came up with Emily Blunt.  Pass me a bottle of pills, please.  A big one.

Remember when everyone got all Mia Farrow-ish and wanted to adopt babies from other countries?  It really was the hippest trend until IVF twins appeared on the scene.  Well now there is a new game in town:  talking about how skinny Jessica Simpson is.

Stupid Rachael Ray, while attending a Food Network event, hitched her star onto the Flab-gate bandwagon and blabbed to People about the svelteness of Simpson:

“I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson.  I think she looks gorgeous!  I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor.  All of the hoopla about her weight was because of the fit of her jeans. In reality, she is a tiny, slip of a woman.”

Seriously, can we move on to some new “thing” that is totally cool to do?  Because I couldn’t get my mind around Uggs, I couldn’t get my mind around $200 headbands and I can’t get my mind around praising Jessica Simpson’s ass.  I just can’t.

Courtney Love showed up at the Brit Awards yesterday looking sober and — dare I say it? — pretty. That’s never a word I use to describe Courtney. Whatever she’s doing, I hope she keeps doing it.