Phew! Michael Phelps Can Focus on Smoking Weed for the Next Three Months
Feb 05, 2009 at 06:38 pm by Evil Beet

Michael Phelps

I’m sure Phelpsy is crying his little eyes out and wiping them with marijuana leaves, because USA Swimming has suspended him for three whole months. I don’t even know what this means. I assume it means he can’t compete, which I assume he is absolutely fine with, because mostly what he wants to do right now is get high and fuck cocktail waitresses. Oh, and they cut off their financial support to Phelps for the same three-month period, effective Thursday. I’m sure this is very hard on Michael, too, because he is deeply dependent on the thousand dollars a month USA Swimming throws his way. It gets deposited every month in the bank account titled “Phelpsy’s Hundred Million Dollars from Endorsements” and he has no idea how he’ll make rent without it.

“This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero,” the federation said in a statement.

Seriously, kids, don’t do drugs or you might accidentally win eight Olympic gold medals over the course of two weeks and get hundreds of millions of dollars in endorsement deals … and then a teensy tiny slap on the wrist from an organization that worships you as a deity.

Oh, and apparently Kellogg’s dropped him, too.

Hey, Michael, if you need someone to console you, you should come to my house. I will suspend your penis inside my vagina for three months.

Thanks archphoenix!

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 5th, 2009 at 6:38 pm and is filed under Michael Phelps. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

25 Responses to “Phew! Michael Phelps Can Focus on Smoking Weed for the Next Three Months”

  1. gNorah says:
    February 5, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    LMAO! Posts like these are what keep me coming back to this site.

    Reply
  2. Curious George says:
    February 5, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    who would want to fuck him? He is so ugly

    Reply
  3. HappyGirrrl says:
    February 5, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Oh, jeez, Beet! What a vivid mental picture.

    Reply
  4. copa says:
    February 5, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Careful, I hear you can get a bitchin yeast infection that way

    Reply
  5. Erin says:
    February 5, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    I was thinking urinary tract infection… but it should get you in Guinness Book of World Records, Beet.

    Reply
  6. Taylor says:
    February 5, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    beet, i love you but… gross!

    Reply
  7. josie says:
    February 5, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    A little bit too graphic there at the end Beet. It kind of shocked me. For God’s sake your Grandpa is reading! ;)

    Reply
  8. clichepithet says:
    February 5, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    That was some ‘lol’ shit right there.

    Reply
  9. Mercedes says:
    February 5, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Man look at those shoulders! they’re so scary and ginormous!! I can’t even imagine having sex with a guy that big (in the shoulders)… like having a grand piano on top of you… or being a speck of dust riding a grand piano..wow.

    Reply
  10. Tracy says:
    February 5, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    I feel that it doesn’t make a dent and he doesn’t give a shit because he doesn’t want to compete anyway. Why would this matter?

    Reply
  11. rockcriedout says:
    February 6, 2009 at 1:08 am

    beet, you are way too pretty to be sexing this horrible looking dude, even if he does have a nice body. visit any gym and find yourself a nice-looking guy with a slammin body and you’ll enjoy yourself so much more.

    besides, if mr phelps is bonging on all the time, his dick won’t be able to get hard enough to be suspended inside your vag for three seconds, let alone three months. it’ll be like a pair of wet rolled-up socks.

    Reply
  12. Withaboylkyou says:
    February 6, 2009 at 1:22 am

    hooooooooooly shit. do me please. my across the hall roomer went to a party and may or may not have smoked with him. I do NOT know the details. Still he saId it was the same hat and shirt.

    Reply
  13. Withaboylkyou says:
    February 6, 2009 at 1:29 am

    And Beet. I am with you. I will do him across the board and over again upside down and tipsy turvey. MP. You rock my world.

    Reply
  14. HowFestive! says:
    February 6, 2009 at 5:19 am

    Michael had better get some savy or else he is going to be the weed smoking athlete who accidentally won 8 Olympic gold medals, who lost his 100 million in endorsements, because he is an ignorant hayseed who doesn’t know how to conduct himself now that he’s famous. All he will have left is the comfort of Beets throbbing vagina. You’re rich for now Michael, you can afford it; Hire some Handlers!

    Reply
  15. Blondie says:
    February 6, 2009 at 6:10 am

    Oh Beet, I love you. I haven’t laughed this hard….since yesterday, when I was reading evilbeet instead of working.

    Reply
  16. Lee says:
    February 6, 2009 at 7:53 am

    Really? Every time I see his face it takes me a minute to reemmber that it ISN’T actually possible for humans and donkeys to mate and produce offspring, so that can’t be how this happened…

    Is it just me or does he have a teeny tiny shrunken head??

    Reply
  17. Beet Groupie says:
    February 6, 2009 at 7:58 am

    DAYUUUM!He does have an amazing bod…but he’s gotten so full of himself it’s a bit of a turnoff to me. : (

    Reply
  18. Nichole says:
    February 6, 2009 at 9:42 am

    I think Phelpsy looks SOOOO MUCH better with facial hair! it covers up the horse face nicely! now i can focus more on the AMAZING body AHHHHH *drool*

    Reply
  19. rayne says:
    February 6, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Whoop-dee-doo. Kellogg’s dropped him. I’m not surprised. Kellogg’s original theory behind making cereal was to keep “impure” thoughts out of childrens heads (masturbating). I guess that includes drugs as well.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.