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Listen, I don’t claim to really understand what’s going on here, but I have been getting emails from the Speedfit guys all morning begging me to run this clip of a (much thinner) Jessica Simpson recording a workout video.

Says one email, from a guy named Alex:

Finally the Karma is coming back to hunt her because she did not want to approve the SPEEDFIT Workout Video to help Millions of Fat People ! Now, She will get the feeling how is to be FAT

So, yeah. The story’s off to a good start.

And here’s what Defamer has to say about the whole mess:

Shot in 2005, the taping was a reported disaster (MNSBC reported she showed up drunk), and svendaddy Joe Simpson blocked all sales of the tape, resulting in Speedfit owner Alex Astilean suing the Simpsons for $10 million for breach of contract.

An anonymous tipster with a possible axe to grind sent us some of the Speedfit shoot footage. It starts promisingly enough, with Simpson telling us she’s here “to introduce you to the Speedfit system.” Things fly off the rails soon after, however, when system mastermind Astilean poses a brain-collapsing imponderable: “Do you ever see horses doing a marathon?” (Asked, we suspect, to literally confuse the pounds away.)

Then the recorded voice of David Levin—according to this video Simpson’s own business manager—plays over footage of Jessica on a treadmill. In discussing the lawsuit, he says the following:

“Listen. I think you would be justified in calling her a bitch, in calling Joe an asshole…I think Joe will hire the most powerful lawyer and take that contract and shove it so far up your rectum that you’ll never have a Speedfit.”

So … um … thoughts?

Specifically: Do you ever see horses running a marathon?

I don’t even know why, but, for the past few days, I’ve just been listening to Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You” and Pink’s “Sober” over and over and over again on a loop in Rhapsody. They’re both just kick-ass songs that I can’t get enough of. And clearly the rest of the country agrees, as Kelly will have the #1 single in the country this week.

She’s also setting the record for the largest jump to the #1 spot. She debuted at #97 last week.

Her full album drops March 17, and I cannot wait!!!!

“It’s Gordon… Gordon Ramsay?”

Paris Hilton in response to the question “Who is the Prime Minister of the UK?”  Yes, Paris, very good.  Gordon Ramsay, as PM of the UK, awards Michelin stars to distinguished British military personnel too.

OK! has written an entire article based on this photograph.  Like me, they totally diagnose celebrities as pregnant based solely on pictures.  Ultrasounds are, like, so unnecessary nowadays.  It’s clear Katie Holmes is pregnant based on the fact that Tom Cruise has his hand on her stomach.  I made a similar prediction a couple weeks ago based on Nicole Richie looking jubilant and announcement making-ish.

Actually, the hand on stomach is a Hollywood thing.  When I was pregnant, my husband wasn’t even allowed to make eye contact with me.  Or sleep in bed with me.  Or know where I was living.

As I sign off for the day, a personal yet somewhat related note:  Nine years ago today, my life forever changed.  I experienced the joy of giving birth to my first son.  If you have a soft spot for hyper-intelligent nine-year-olds, I’d love it if you’d post a “Happy Birthday” to him on my blog (Beet was nice enough to link in sidebar).  He already thinks he’s a celebrity after your comments on the Grandpa Sam video.  Seriously, he recently presented me with a rider chock-full of lunch box requirements.

Russell Brand has shared new revelations about his favorite hobby, and no, it’s not experimenting with eyeliner.  He sleeps with three women a day.  I can’t find a way to exercise three times a month, but he fucks every eight hours.  And I don’t mean that he has a rotating line-up of two or three women.  Ninety.  Different.  Women.  Each.  Month.  Whatever.

I don’t understand the allure of this modern day Wilt Chamberlain.  Attractive?  No.  Funny?  Absolutely not.  Hygenic?  Rhetorical.  Are there really that many fame whores out there to keep up his endless supply of pussy?  Does he have a sex scheduler who makes all the hotel reservations?  These are the questions that keep me awake at night; I have to know how this obsessive screwing works.

Brand has a long history of alcohol and substance abuse yet claims to be clean since 2002.  His Wikipedia page lists him as a recovering sex addict.  Time for an update!

He’s currently filming The Tempest with Helen Mirren, a woman he admits he’d like to “cuddle in a bra” with.  Wow, he really is an addict.

What the hell is wrong with Paris Hilton?  I know this is such an open-ended question so let me clarify.  I’m not referring to her sequined smiley face dress, nor her disfigured frame which has officially met the criteria for bobblehead status.  I’m not even talking about the picture in the gallery where she’s giving Lady Gaga an “I’m totally goin’ Lohan on you” look, or the one where she’s humping a wall.

No, my query relates to the dude that she’s totally impaling with her pelvic bones.  His name is George Sampson; he’s a dancer and 2008 winner of Britain’s Got Talent.  He’s fifteen.