We don’t really pay much attention to the way Apple CEO Steve Jobs looks here on this blog. (“This particular black cotton turtleneck doesn’t really do much for the ill-fitted jeans, now does it? Fortunately for Mr. Jobs, he’s a super-genius who could buy the whole country, and he could wear a chicken suit doing it, and you couldn’t stop him. Know why? Because there are missiles inside the chicken suit and they are currently aimed at every Fred Segal in the continental United States (with just one left over for Katey Segal — long story there) and he’s retrofitted a first-generation iPod to control the missiles. They’re gonna start running ads for it on TV soon. They’re already in talks with The Killers for the music.”)
What’s my point?
Oh, yeah, so people who care about the people in the world who are doing things that matter have noticed recently that Steve Jobs has lost a lot of weight, and he wasn’t a big guy to begin with, so this has been worrisome. Everyone thought he was totally ana. My 11-year-old cousin had a poster of him on her wall and she’d written “THINSPIRATION” across the top. I was all like “Where’s the Keira Knightley one you had last year?” and she was all like “She got fat.”
I know there’s a point in here somewhere. But I am having so much fun getting to it.
OK. So Jobs decided it was time to speak up before he ended up hospitalized for “exhaustion” and the shareholders shit themselves. He released a statement today explaining what’s going on:
As many of you know, I have been losing weight throughout 2008. The reason has been a mystery to me and my doctors. A few weeks ago, I decided that getting to the root cause of this and reversing it needed to become my #1 priority.
Fortunately, after further testing, my doctors think they have found the cause—a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy. Sophisticated blood tests have confirmed this diagnosis.
The remedy for this nutritional problem is relatively simple and straightforward, and I’ve already begun treatment. But, just like I didn’t lose this much weight and body mass in a week or a month, my doctors expect it will take me until late this Spring to regain it. I will continue as Apple’s CEO during my recovery.
Um, so not to seem insensitive and stuff, but what exactly is this disease called? You know, the “hormone imbalance” that helps you lose weight without even trying? And could I, say, inject it directly into myself? That is, of course, after patenting the fuck out it? Cough up the deets, Steve-O. You made your fortune. Now help a sister out.
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