So far, 2009 has not been a stellar year for romance.

Now on the chopping block: Patricia Arquette, who’s divorcing her husband Thomas Jane, citing irreconcilable differences. The two have a 5-year-old daughter, Harlow Olivia Calliope Jane. Ha! So Harlow wasn’t really Nicole Richie’s idea!!! She totes stole it from Patricia.

We were contacted by some folks who are developing a line of T-shirts for Big Rob, that gigantic dude who used to be the bodyguard for Britney Spears and is now the bodyguard for the Jonas Brothers.

Apparently the guy has a catch phrase, and it is — you ready for this? — “Suuupp?!!”

And they’re making a line of T-shirts with this phrase on the front and “BIG ROB’S 4 REAL” on the back, and I thought to myself, “If there’s anyone who needs these T-shirts, it is my readers.”

No, that’s not true, and I actually wrote back to them to be like, “Um, we are perhaps not your target demographic” and they wrote back like “No! We want YOUR readers! Evil Beet’s readers specifically,” and I was like, “Well, they do rock.”

Then I thought about it some more, and a part of me just knew that reading your responses to this contest would be well worth running the damn thing, so here’s the contest question(s). You can answer EITHER one (or both, if you feel like it, but you only need to answer one to be entered).

If I were Britney Spears’ bodyguard, my T-shirt would say ____________________ .

OR

If I were the Jonas Brothers’ bodyguard, my T-shirt would say ____________________ .

I’ll choose the three funniest entries, and these people will win free Big Rob shirts. Winners must have mailing addresses in the U.S.

Send your entry with the subject line “Big Rob Contest” to evilbeet@gmail.com. Entries must be received by 5 pm Thursday.

If you want to bypass the contest and buy the shirts directly, they’re available from Sheila Cameron here.

In addition to The Shannon Twins, Hugh Hefner’s Pussy Squad has added Crystal Harris, a 22-year-old student at San Diego State University.

Crystal introduced herself on an E! online message board over the holidays, telling fans that “Hef gave me permission to fill people in on the new updates as a voice from the mansion.”

No other girlfriends are in the mix at this time, she says, but “there are a couple that we have interest in. … As for now, it is just us three.”

I love it. “A couple that we have interest in.” It’s like rush. They make them all do the Playboy Cheer and then vote by secret ballot or some shit.

Crystal’s never been in the magazine, but she did appear in a series of topless and semi-nude photos as a Co-ed of the Week on Playboy.com in late October under the name “Crystal Carter.”

Her MySpace page is here.

When I read that Michael Phelps would be traveling to China as part of a seven-figure deal to endorse the new Mazda 6 model in a series of ad campaigns and personal appearances, I just had this sudden influx of mental images of Michael Phelps and his size-fourteen penis cramped into a little Miata. Heh.

But it’s looking like it could be the largest single sponsorship deal for a Western celebrity in China’s history.

And you people can say what you want about Michael Phelps, but, twenty years from now, no one will remember his eight Olympic gold medals or the fact that he spent the following year whoring himself out to every company who would take him. But Michael Phelps will still be driving eight expensive sports cars around his own private island and fucking supermodels with the eleventy gazillion dollars he’s going to make this year. Rock on, Michael.

Heh. This is kind of interesting story:

A Vogue cover girl is suing Google in an attempt to unmask the blogger who trashed her as a “skank” and an “old hag.”

Liskula Cohen, a blond beauty who has modeled for Giorgio Armani and Versace, made headlines last year when a doorman at a Manhattan hot spot was jailed after smashing her in the face with a vodka bottle.

Now she wants to force Google to reveal who slammed her online as the “#1 skanky superstar” on a blog hosted by the search engine’s subsidiary.

“It’s petty, it’s stupid and it’s pathetic,” Cohen said of the sniping. “And when I do find out who did this, at least I’ll know who my enemies are.”

The defamation suit, filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, seeks a court order compelling Google and its Blogger.com service to identify whoever led the vicious Internet assault against Cohen.

Her lawyer Steven Wagner conceded it’s not easy to identify bloggers who lob insults anonymously, as New York courts have generally declined to force them into the light.

“We think we have a case,” he said. “This is libelous, it’s defamatory and you shouldn’t just get away with this.”

On the site, Cohen is ridiculed as a desperate “fortysomething” who “may have been hot 10 years ago.”

The Canadian cutie is actually 36, according to records.

“Desperation seeps from her soul, if she even has one,” the site spews.

The stinging posts have been met on the blog with fiery comments in Cohen’s defense from someone identified only as “liveandlove.”

“Are you one of those little dumpy girls who hang off her every word?” liveandlove wrote. “Or do you wait three hours in line at a club, when she breezes right in?” Cohen’s mystery defender also theorized that the mean posts were the work of a “silly, silly fat girl.”

What do you guys think?

Should bloggers be required by law to “unmask” themselves before hurling insults? (My full name, by the way, is in the sidebar of this website, and has been for quite a few years now.)

By the way, this Cohen chick is 36 years old. You’d think she’d have outgrown this sort of nonsense by now.

Here’s a lovely clip of Sanjaya Malakar performing his new song “A Quintessential Lullaby” in what I can only assume is the Build-a-Bear store of some mall in Renton or some shit. Sanjaya’s new album, Dancing to the Music in My Head, comes out January 20, and you can preview some more of the tracks here.

I’m hoping the album cover is a photo of the back of Sanjaya’s head, his hair braided out to spell the word “FAIL,” because that’s what this shit is gonna be.