Australia was an epic fail.  As if you needed further encouragement to wait for it to come out on Netflix, even Nicole Kidman thought it was a bad movie.  Yeah, she squirmed through watching this thing.  In a radio interview she admitted that sitting in a theater, and watching her performance in Australia, made her flee the country.

She said she was so nervous about her performance that she fled Australia as soon as the premiere was over with her husband and their five-month-old daughter Sunday Rose.

“We ran because I didn’t want to read anything. I didn’t want to know.”

I hate to break this to Nic, but there are scathing critics in every country.

Sadly, no one told her all night.  Every rack picture of Nicole Richie at The Art of Elysium 2nd Annual Heaven Gala is the same.  Exposed cutlets.  In the photo gallery, there is another picture of Richie with Milla Jovovich that can only be interpreted as  “You’re pregnant?  Congratulations!”  So when Nicole and Joel make their announcement, remember you heard it here first.

I have a dress fetish.  I think I’ve mentioned it before.  There are probably sixty dresses in my closet that have never seen the light of day.  I have kids that throw tater tots at me for target practice; fleece is my life.  Yet I still accumulate these dresses in the hopes that I may someday have a reason to wear fabric made from materials that are actually found in nature.  Until that time comes, I fixate on gowns worn by the famous and work through my addiction by crafting obscenely large photo galleries here on Evil Beet.

Speaking of (kind of) famous, my phone rang last week and it was Patricia Arquette.  She was like “zOMG, can I please, please, please borrow your junior prom dress?  I want to wear it to the The Art of Elysium 2nd Annual Heaven Gala next week!“  I eventually relented but told her that she’d have to find her own inappropriate, clunky platform pumps.  Sadly, she obeyed.

Also, is anyone planning on seeing Trudie Styler any time soon?  If you are, could you please ask to see her license?  And then show her the date on said license.  Inform her that she’s approaching sixty.  If ever there was a time to abandon sequin miniskirts, sixty would be that time.  She can keep the tantric fucking…the skirt has to go.

And since I’m secretly convinced that Richie is knocked up, Kate Bosworth is my new focus.  I know she has a fast metabolism, but when your forehead is looking too skinny to the point that your cranium veins are showing, it’s time to stop smiling at your dinner plate and start eating what’s on it.

Finally, a simple question that I need answers to:  What the hell happened to Shannen Doherty?

I haven’t even had caffeine yet today; I told you dresses excite me.  They are, like, my Red Bull and methamphetamine cocktail.

Answer:  Her sister Brandy.  This video is the sensory equivalent of chewing tinfoil.  You’ve been warned.

Miley cut her delicate uvula on a piece of dressing-drenched chicken.  Chicken is my life.  I eat chicken more often than I shower, okay?  Consuming it has never injured me.  Hell, I’ve even forayed into eating salted razors, more commonly referred to as tortilla chips.  My uvula has remained intact.  I call BS on this seasoned poultry tale.

Also, Cyrus’ parents need to fire Miley’s private tutor.  What halfway intelligent sixteen year-old needs to have “uvula” explained to them?  I wasn’t that swift in school, but I still had a firm grasp on epiglottis and duodenum by my teen years.  Have times changed so much that proper respect is no longer paid to critical human body components?

Below, some pictures of Miley as she attended the Walt Disney Pictures/Miramax Pre Golden Globe Party.  Conclusion?  Cyrus is overjoyed to have her picture taken with anyone that is not her parents.

I wasn’t sure it would happen, but it did.  Fergie and totally hot Josh Duhamel tied the knot last night in Malibu.  The diverse attendees list included Mario Lopez, Stacy Keibler, Kid Rock, Slash, Kate Hudson and Molly Sims.  Thousands of white magnolias and roses were involved, as were ten bridesmaids dressed in black.

Somebody, hold me.  Please?

The stars turned out in force to attend all the swag (Stuff We All Get or Slutty Whores Acquiring Garbage, depending on how you view these things) galleries being held in honor of the Golden Globes. 

So, basically, famous folk don’t have to Christmas shop.  Have you ever seen so much ugly shit in all your life?  You know these celebs aren’t using this crap.  They pose with it, get it, and give it away at the holidays.  Absolute whorefest.

As I was flipping through the pics, I was astounded at all the pajama and cake pics.  The bitches running those booths must have been hard core.  Like, “Pose with this sleeper or your family will be dead by the time you get home tonight.”

I have compiled an extensive photo gallery of some of the most breathtakingly beautiful merchandise you’ve ever seen.  I feel so bad for all the grandmothers and assistants who will find all this debris under the tree come December.

“They have definitely photo-shopped the crap out of me…” 

Kelly Clarkson taking to her blog to share her new album cover.  Can I just take this moment to publicly claim my love for her?  I’m letting go of the shame and just admitting it.