Take a listen to “Jailhouse Baby,” which is reportedly-maybe-possibly one of the tracks off Paris Hilton’s new album.

God save us all.

She can’t really be doing this, right?

“We actually shot it in July. It was back before I got conservative.”

Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend — and Criss Angel’s current love — regarding the Girls Next Door farewell issue of Playboy, which will be the magazine’s February issue.

This is funny on so many levels. I will enumerate them so that you don’t miss any.

First: Holly’s conservative now? I totally missed that memo.

Second: They shot the GND farewell issue in July? So Hef must have parted ways with these girls awhile ago.

Third: I love how Hugh Hefner says goodbye to his three girlfriends by having them get naked and photographed and then selling the pictures. I mean, it happens all the time in break-ups, but it’s not every day the girl signs her consent.

Ouch!

BURN!

I’m such a bitch.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, who called off her engagement last week, has received a three-year restraining order against 62-year-old David Nolte, who she claims has been stalking her. The actress stated in a court petition that Nolte recently sold his home in Colorado and moved to Los Angeles to be closer to Hewitt. Documents also include dozens of letters allegedly sent by Nolte, describing violent and sexual fantasies Hewitt. The actress wrote that she became more fearful of Nolte after he appeared at her mother’s house in late December.

Gossip Girl star Kelly Rutherford is being punished by the gods for naming her child Hermes. She’s filed paperwork to bar her estranged husband, David Giersch, from leaving the country with their two-year-old son, Hermes, for fear she’ll never see him again. He, in return, is alleging that she was violent and once threw a laptop at him. I am alleging that perhaps this kid would be best if kidnapped and raised in the People’s Republic of Congo, or anywhere else where the majority of the populace hasn’t heard of Hermes or, for that matter, herpes.

Estranged husband David Giersch countered in L.A. Superior Court with papers alleging the actress, who’s four months pregnant with their second child, has a bad temper, once throwing a laptop at him and another time trying to sock him with her fist.

Rutherford, 40, filed for divorce from Giersch, an entrepreneur, last month after being married a little over two years, seeking sole physical custody with monitored visitation. On the same day, Giersch filed for legal separation, seeking sole legal and physical custody with visitation for her.

In emergency papers filed Jan. 9, Rutherford sought to bar Giersch, 34, from traveling outside the United States with their son Hermes.

“I feel there is some risk that he will leave the country with Hermes and I will not know where they are,” Rutherford said in a declaration, adding that during their marriage, he told her of a pending investigation in his native Germany that could lead to his arrest.

Oh, and did I mention that Kelly is four months pregnant with another kid?

If you’d just named the first one “Tom” or “Mark” or “Steve,” none of this would be happening.

Paris wore this bright blue number to a Golden Globes after-party on Sunday night.

What do we think?

“On that first day, we asked Springsteen, Bono and Garth Brooks within a period of 45 minutes and got three `yeses.’ We said, `This is going to be fun.’”

George Stevens Jr., the producer of the Barack Obama inaugural celebration show that will be taking place at the Washington Monument on Sunday. The president-elect and his family are due to attend, with Obama expected to speak. Stevens was blown away by how easy it was to book talent for the event.

Other performers include Stevie Wonder, Renee Fleming, Garth Brooks, Mary J. Blige, Herbie Hancock, Heather Headley, John Legend, Mellencamp, Usher, Shakira, Sheryl Crow, Josh Groban, Beyonce and Jennifer Nettles. Historical passages will be read by Jamie Foxx, Martin Luther King III, Queen Latifah and Denzel Washington, with other celebrities expected to join them.

HBO will televise the show at 7 p.m. EST.