I mean, is Elijah Wood still pretending that Elijah Wood is straight???

Elijah and his “girlfriend,” Pamela Racine, were spotted exercising together in Venice on Wednesday. The two have supposedly been dating since they met on the set of Everything Is Illuminated in 2004.

That’s an awful long time for a “real” relationship to last in Hollywood.

Come out already, Elijah!

Image via Bauer-Griffin

This is total news to me, but apparently Walk the Line star Joaquin Phoenix has retired from acting to pursue a career in rapping, with an album to be produced by Sean Combs. He is scheduled to make his first public performance Friday at a Las Vegas club.

At the same time, Casey Affleck has decided to direct a documentary about Joaquin’s journey into the music business. Not only are Casey and Joaquin friends, but Casey is married to Joaquin’s sister, Summer Phoenix.

And I, for one, am now actually in Phoenix, and it is not summer, and I was just wearing a flimsy spaghetti-strap tank top at 11:30 pm and I was just fine. I don’t even want to think about how awful it’s going to be trying to run a half-marathon in the middle of the day, which is what I am supposed to do on Sunday. It’s a completely insane idea — but still seems more sensible than Joaquin Phoenix as a rapper.

Oooh!

In an effort to remain relevant for 20 more seconds, total douchetard Doug Reinhardt is telling his side of the Amanda Bynes break-up story, claiming he ended the relationship.

“She wouldn’t even let me have a guys’ night out without flipping out on me,” Doug said to E!. “So it’s over.”

A source close to the douchetard said Doug told Amanda he was having “a night out with the boys” on Wednesday. Around 2 a.m., Amanda showed up unannounced at Doug’s house and banged on the door. Doug wasn’t home, and she freaked out, and now it’s over.

Whatever, either this guy is going to find a new starlet to cozy up to, or he’ll be crawling back to Amanda. This guy is Spencer Pratt v2.0, people, I’m telling you. He can’t stand to not be famous.

Men’s website Spike.com has just released a list of the Top 7 Butterbodies.

Listen, I may talk my fair share of shit about Mandy Moore’s personality, but I’ve never called her “chunky, pudgy and out of shape … like she spent the last few years on a couch watching television and eating tubs of Neapolitan ice cream.” And I once said Liv Tyler was wearing the wrong dress for her super-buff legs, but I never said “she looks like a dowdy housewife who indulges in too many home-baked cookies.” And I think Salma Hayek is freaking stunning, and I would certainly never accuse her of “carrying a spare car tire around her mid-section.”

So the next time you guys want to be all like “Raven-Symone has a perfect body!!! You’re CRAZY to call her fat!!! It’s totally reasonable to have a BMI of 31 as long as absolutely none of it is muscle!” I just want you to remember that I am, compared to this nation’s asshole men, very understanding and appreciative of women’s natural curves.

Meet Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III, the US Airways pilot who kept his cool and perfectly crash-landed an Airbus A320 in the Hudson River — avoiding any ferries, water taxis, or, ya know, the city of Manhattan. Everyone I’ve heard talk on the subject so far says that water landing like that are extremely difficult, and that the plane almost always falls apart on landing. Sully’s aircraft barely saw a scratch.

Sullenberger, 57, has worked for US Airways since 1980, and before that spent more than six years as a U.S. Air Force F-4 fighter pilot.

No matter how you feel about the U.S. military or its current or past activities, this is the type of brilliant, cool-headed, quick-responding men and women it is capable of producing.

Thank you, Mr. Sullenberg, for reminding our nation that REAL AMERICAN HEROES are still out there! We certainly have true heroes risking their lives in order to save others every single day in Iraq and Afghanistan and in other parts of the world, but here in the U.S. we so rarely get to witness the courage and quick-thinking that our military nurtures in these men and women. On Thursday, the nation got that chance, thanks to you, sir.

Now please, please, PLEASE don’t let it turn out that you’re secretly a meth-head member of the Aryan Brotherhood. Please.