Whitney appeared at the 2nd Annual BET Honors Show this weekend looking fanfuckingtastic!

And I don’t mean to be insensitive, but wasn’t Queen Latifah announced as the new Jenny Craig spokesmodel, like, over a year ago?  She was all over my television telling me how she was going to eat pre-packaged crap and get to the ever-ambiguous “healthy weight”.  Uh, did she eat all the pre-packaged crap at once?  I only ask because Queen L 2009 looks exactly like Queen L 2008 and Queen L 2007.  Or am I wrong?  I don’t pay too much attention to her body; I spend a lot more time contemplating how much easier her life will be once she comes out of the closet.  And yes, I realize what it says about me that I put anyenergy towards thinking about who Queen Latifah sleeps with. 

Anyway, I’ve got plenty of love for the big girls, but I’m sorry.  Queen hawking weight loss goods is the equivalent of Michelle Duggar doing a Yaz commercial.

My daughter is really into dress-up.  She’s constantly scampering around the house in crowns and twirly ballerina dresses while whipping her magic wand within centimeters of my head, all in the name of spell casting.  In addition, there are also reindeer antlers, butterfly wings and bunny ears kicking around my house.  She’s three; she’s entitled.

Paris Hilton is almost twenty-eight and is so not entitled to be wearing fucking bunny ear hats and kitten paw mittens.  Here’s a good rule of thumb if you’ve lost your way:  Any clothing or accessory intentionally designed to look like animal parts is deemed “not appropriate”  once you’ve started getting your period.   

Paris has identified herself as someone who has “a lot in common” with Angelina Jolie.  Angelina is popping out kids in exotic locales and dining with heads of state.  Paris is building her friend base through hot tub eliminations and is the Goodwill Ambassador of personalized accessories and her local Bentley dealership.  How do these two have anything in common other than an XX chromosome?  Someone, anyone, enlighten me.

Go here to tell Beet just how awesome she is for completing her first half-marathon at an amazing time of 2:45 (or so).

There will be no risk of walking by a newsstand, glancing over, and being unknowingly exposed to this hellaciousness.

Mischa Barton is on the February cover of Germany’s Maxim.  I’m seriously considering moving to Germany as they obviously have photo-editing software that is superior to anything available in the United States.  Have I just lost my mind or does she look…what’s the word I’m looking for?  Bearable?  I have to post a public apology to our reader Glory for being a Mischa traitor.  You were always supportive of my Mischa hate and now I feel like I turned my back on you.

So, she isn’t totally, totally hideous but I do still view her face with the word “SEX” right next to it as a form of aversion therapy.

Madonna’s fling with model Jesus Luz didn’t last long but he’s trying to capitalize on his brief Golden Snatch foray. 

All the major modeling agencies approached Luz after his two-week tryst with the Golden Snatch.  He went with Ford Models.  To give perspective, a year ago his show fee was $225 and now it is $135,000.  What is it about this that would warrant such a raise in pay?  I’m totally rethinking my Madonna bush embargo.

Above, Madonna wearing the remnants of her first Brazilian wax.

The Jonas Brothers have hired additional security to hold on to their boxer shorts.  I hear this shit and seriously don’t believe it, but reportedly, someone has been stealing the Jonas’ underwear out of their suitcases and leaving notes behind that read “Your Undies Are Safe With Us…The Undies Snatchers!” 

Are these people fucking kidding me?  Now, provided that they show up on Ebay, I have to ask:  Who the hell would want Joe Jonas’ Underoos?