“The publicity machine is out of control. It’s everything we didn’t sign up for.  There’s this whole other entity that you get sucked into. You have to go and sell your wares. It’s something I never made my peace with. Somehow you’re not supporting your film if you don’t get on a show and talk about your personal life. It has nothing to do with why I do this.”

Brad Pitt, causing me immense relief by not discussing Jennifer Aniston in any way, shape or form in a Newsweek interview.

I’ll add that when you look like Brad Pitt, yes, you have to sell your wares over and over and over again.  Naked; it’s a rule.

Didn’t I tell you Oprah was the shit?  Did I not just say that Oprah was serious upper-echelon status?  I must have had a premonition.  Beet and Soleil may have the stripper names around here, but I am totally the site psychic.

The Huffington Post just reported that disgraced Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich, was considering nominating Oprah for Obama’s vacated Senate seat.  Really.  This woman can’t pick a memoirist capable of passing a lie detector test; I’m thinking daily contact with politicians isn’t the best gig for her.  Personally, I think Blagojevich targeted her based on ability to pay.

Here is where I commit virtual suicide.  I don’t understand the power Oprah has over consumers, if not her own thyroid.  She’s a self-made woman and I respect that.  But what is up with this Oprah’s Favorite Things bullshit?  The Kindle is on backorder for months because she said she liked it as much as potatoes ; it’s really not that impressive a device.  I couldn’t order my favorite bra online for three weeks because their site crashed after people learned that it’s the brand that Oprah’s nips prefer too.   I laugh when I think of her audience showing up for the Favorite Things 2008 show taping only to learn that all the gifts would cost “next to nothing” in recognition of our current economic state.  Let’s get this straight O:  There is never a better time for free $800 cashmere sweaters and stainless steel refrigerators than when one is homeless.  Selfish bitch.

The President and First Lady are at Oprah status right now.  You do not want to piss them off.

Ty Inc., in the age-honored tradition of increasing sales via controversy, has introduced two homely little dolls named Sweet Sasha and Marvelous Malia.  They have dark coloring and share the names of the first daughters, but according to Ty’s PR flack, they aren’t modeled after the Obama girls.  Sigh.

Needless to say, the First Family is not amused.  Press secretary Katie McCormick Lelyveld released a statement:  “We feel it is inappropriate to use young, private citizens for marketing purposes.”

Sweet Sasha and Marvelous Malia join the family of TyGirlz that includes Lucky Lindsay, Happy Hillary, Precious Paris and Bubbly Britney.  And no, that is not an attempt at humor.  These abominations actually exist.

She was once America’s sweetheart, hawking boxed perfume gift sets and buffalo wings to the masses; now we find her wearing mom jeans and back fat, belting out her country tunes at a local chili fest.  Jess was the featured act this weekend at 99.9 Kiss Country 24th Annual Chili Cook-Off.

It’s time for a comeback.  And a Pilates class.

She’s alive!!!

After falling off the radar for OVER A WEEK, Lindsay Lohan and some weird-ass gloves resurfaced this weekend in New York, along with her mom and sister, Ali. Dude. CHECK OUT THE TITS ON ALIANA. That girl is 15 years old. She can’t drive a car, but you sure can motorboat those titties.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Check out what the PETA peeps have done to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Personally, if I were going to vandalize this star, I would just write “WHY????” on it.

Also, I’ve mentioned it before on my Twitter, but it bears repeating: Mary-Kate and Ashley’s fashion line, The Row, sells a pair of lambskin motorcycle pants for $1700. YES WITH TWO ZEROS. Jesus Christ, for that kind of money, they should be made of Angelina Jolie’s skin.