When you are as relevant as 90210 actor Ryan Eggold, you don’t need to be weighed down by award show day rituals such as shaving and dressing.  Sean Penn and Brad Pitt do, but not Ryan Eggold.

The day after award shows feels like the day after a primary.  I must look at all the data and analyze what went right and wrong.  You know I have a thing for dresses.  The one thing I realized almost immediately, is that many stylists started throwing afterthought asymetric straps on dresses the morning after the Inaugural Ball.

I can’t imagine anyone really has the time to flip through the three trillion pictures in the gallery but it makes me feel better to voice my feelings on the dresses seen at the SAG Awards.

Andrea Bowen- Wearing a revolutionary new gown that allows you to shit without breaking stride on the red carpet.

America Ferrera- I think we had a commenter this weekend who mentioned anorexia.  Totally agree.  Also, ruching over the hips is rarely a good idea.

Amy Adams- Pretty.  Dark.

Amy Brenneman- Beautiful color, uneven boobs but more importantly:  What happened to her face?

Angelina Jolie- Has the economy hit her hard?  Because this is the third time in the past month she’s worn this dress.  Is she just dyeing it?

Anne Hathaway- From the neck down, stunning.

Brooke Adams aka Tony Shaloub’s wife- I’ve worn similar things to the grocery store.  In 1991.

Christina Applegate- I feel bad saying anything since she had cancer and a dead boyfriend this past year.  I’m focused on the chubby in the background wearing the TJMaxx special with transparent gold wrap.

Christina Hendricks- How not to wear red.

Claire Danes- How to wear red.

Dana Delaney- Dynasty casting calls ended twenty years ago.

Emily Blunt- May I be blunt?  Is her dress splitting up the front or is it just horribly made?

Holly Hunter- Pink, taffeta, the stuff my proms and fire hazards were made of.

Eva Longoria- Looks like a doll cake.  If you were born in the seventies or before, you get this.

Evan Rachel Wood- Looks good; there’s that Obama strap.

January Jones- A horrible miss from a woman who is usually perfectly dressed.

JoBeth Williams- Obama strap!

Jane Krakowski- No opinion on her but can I start a petition for her to enter an early retirement?

Julia Ormond- Remember when she was hot?

Kate Winslet- Remember that she eats whatever she wants.  Let the hating commence.

Lisa Rinna- Hasn’t the swelling gone down on those things?

Marcia Cross- Beautiful blue dress attacked by flock of bats in parking lot.

Marisa Tomei- Missed your makeup appointment?

Paula Abdul- Would have been a pretty dress if not for being so tight.  And ruffled at the chest.  And manufactured in the first place.

Rosario Dawson- Will you marry me?  Flawless.

Teri Hatcher- Totally neutral.  I cannot feel any emotion one way or the other.

Tina Fey- It’s ok.  You’re a comedic genius; you don’t have to excel at everything.

Tracey Ullman- Wearing the newest from the Disco Maternity line.

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Hey, remember Jeopardy? That game show that was relevant before game shows involved eating crickets and performing oral sex on Tila Tequila? (Is there really any difference?)

Anyway, I guess it’s still going on, and they’ve finally decided to move into the 21st century. No, no, contestants will not be challenged to make postal service uniforms out of Alex Trebek’s toupees (good idea, though) — rather, they’re allowing contestants to test for the show online.

Have you applied for The Real World and Survivor season after season only to be told you’re not homophobic enough?

Then you might want to try Jeopardy.

For more information about testing online, click here.

Is it you???

Fess up!

The Kevin James flick was #1 at the box office once again. I mean, in fairness, this is a pretty easy week to be #1 at the box office — it had to beat out Underworld: Rise of Lycans and Hotel for Dogs — but still. Who is going to see this film?

After first canceling a shitload of U.S. dates due to “vertigo,” Janet Jackson has now postponed the Japan leg of her Rock Witchu tour, citing “the impact of economic crisis.”

This is the most non-euphemistic euphemism I can think of to say “no one was buying tickets.” I mean, seriously, Janet, next time, just blame sushi.

Last night, Katie Holmes had the honor of presenting the SAG Award for Male Actor in a Leading Role to Sean Penn.

SAG Award dresses need to be discussed in detail.  But for the moment, I need someone to set me straight on why beautiful Katie is wearing that shapeless, drab, nun-gone-bad get up that highlights nothing except her deflated water balloons.  Oh, right, because she’s married to Tom Cruise.  That vampire role was the best he was ever cast; he sucks the beauty and life out of everyone he marries.  Don’t believe me?  Pictures in gallery are of women in the early days of dating Tom Cruise and what they look like after their sham marriages ended.  Scientology Tom Cruise kills, people.