I know Beet is in search of her own billionaire; I remain hopeful that this story will give her renewed faith.

After an extensive fortnight of dating, Geri Halliwell is now engaged to yacht company owner Fabrizio Polit.  They met in December and got engaged during the Festive Season; or, you know, Christmas.  Ginger Spice’s management company released this statement:

We are delighted to announce the engagement of Geri Halliwell and Fabrizio Politi.  As a token of their commitment to each other, Fabrizio presented Geri with an engagement ring over the Festive Season.  There are no immediate plans for marriage as the couple are enjoying their engagement.

I love being a woman; I love that “as a token of their commitment to each other,” she got a $310,000 ring.  God, commitment is so much work.  She must have to keep her nails manicured all the time now.

Ok, here is where I get all judgemental; forgive me.  Halliwell has already displayed enough bad judgement when she named her daughter Bluebell.  As a former single mother, there is no way in hell I’d be engaged to a guy that I knew for two weeks.  When a kid is involved, the rules change.

Do you remember four years ago, when Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend of nine years vanished?  He fell off a boat and was never found?  Yeah, he’s alive.  Patrick McDermott disappeared in June, 2005 while on a fishing charter.  In 2008, the US Coast Guard released a report which concluded that McDermott had most likely drowned.  Good call.

A team of private investigators hired by Dateline have determined that McDermott is alive and well and has been travelling through Mexico and South America.  They set up a website called findpatrickmcdermott.com and tracked the missing Aussie as he logged in to the site from various locations.  The missing cameraman was deeply in debt and probably staged his death as a way to escape his financial situation.

Olivia Newton-John, who married this June, had no comment.

Yes, Mickey Rourke is fucking his movie daughter, Evan Rachel Wood.  The two met on the set of The Wrestler and obviously hit it off.  Naked.  Sweet Jesus, Wood is obviously into really weird and unattractive men.  Homely dudes are the best in bed; it’s an overcompensation thing.  Unfortunately, since I got LASIK, taking out my contacts to get through ugly sex is no longer an option.

Despite all the denials, on the night of the SAG Awards they were making out at after-parties and went up to his room at the Four Seasons.  I guess that isn’t solid proof of sex; maybe they were up there being just friends and eating overpriced cashews.  Who am I kidding?  They are so having sex.  This picture says it all, doesn’t it?

Does anyone watch ER anymore?  I’m happy this is the last season, but that show really should have ended, like, ten years ago.  How many fires, earthquakes, bombs, falling out of the sky helicopters, limbs lost, addictions fought and people resurrected from the dead should one audience be expected to tolerate?  County General Hospital should have been shut down about fifteen hundred cataclysmic disasters ago. That show fucking exhausts me.

ER is credited as the show that gave George Clooney his break.  To me, he will always be George the handyman at the Over Our Heads novelty shop, on The Facts of Life. Longtime fans have been hopeful that Clooney would return for the final season, and it looks like they are getting their wish.  Also appearing for the George episode was Susan Sarandon.  Not sure how she fits into the storyline, but don’t be surprised if her character suffers a fatal implant explosion.

Michael Jackson is helping develop a stage musical based on his Thriller video.  Plot:  young couple on date, boy turns into werewolf.  In an attempt to stretch the fourteen minute video into a stage production, eight actors will portray The Gloved Perv at various stages of his life.

I’m sorry, but I cannot get my mind around Thriller as a theater production.  Can you imagine?

It’s close to midnight, and something evil’s lurking in the dark,

Chasse, Chasse,ball change

Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart.

pivot, dig, and turn.

Anyway, no word yet on how many pre-pubescent boys have been cast.

Thanks, Sanita!

Video of Eddie Murphy and Michael Jackson in possibly the worst video ever.

Here’s a message to all of you out there who suffer from depression or other mental illness:  Get over it!  Brain chemistry, genetics and environmental factors be damned!  Remember those months where life was so bleak that you couldn’t get out of bed?  Ice cream was your church and showers were an immeasurable burden?  You’re a pussy; got that?

Bijou Phillips has given us, the public, the straight-talk that we need.  Depression doesn’t exist people.  “My grandparents didn’t take any pills, and they were fine.  Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a fucking pansy.”

It seems logical to me.  After all, if Bijou Phillips grandparents didn’t need anti-depressants, why should anyone else?

While I was researching Phillips to see if she does anything beyond being high in public and releasing total asshole statements (she doesn’t), I found an old interview with filmmaker, James Tarbock.  I think this sums it up:  “Bijou Phillips–you never knew what the fuck she would say or do next.  There is no line between her unconscious and her articulation of it and her behavior.  She is a genuine psychopath.”

Oh, Mr. Tarbock.  She’s not just a psychopath.  She’s a Scientologist.