Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Steve Jobs Discusses Mystery Weight-Loss Illness

steve-jobs-weight-loss-hormone-imbalance

We don’t really pay much attention to the way Apple CEO Steve Jobs looks here on this blog. (“This particular black cotton turtleneck doesn’t really do much for the ill-fitted jeans, now does it? Fortunately for Mr. Jobs, he’s a super-genius who could buy the whole country, and he could wear a chicken suit doing it, and you couldn’t stop him. Know why? Because there are missiles inside the chicken suit and they are currently aimed at every Fred Segal in the continental United States (with just one left over for Katey Segal — long story there) and he’s retrofitted a first-generation iPod to control the missiles. They’re gonna start running ads for it on TV soon. They’re already in talks with The Killers for the music.”)

What’s my point?

Oh, yeah, so people who care about the people in the world who are doing things that matter have noticed recently that Steve Jobs has lost a lot of weight, and he wasn’t a big guy to begin with, so this has been worrisome. Everyone thought he was totally ana. My 11-year-old cousin had a poster of him on her wall and she’d written “THINSPIRATION” across the top. I was all like “Where’s the Keira Knightley one you had last year?” and she was all like “She got fat.”

I know there’s a point in here somewhere. But I am having so much fun getting to it.

OK. So Jobs decided it was time to speak up before he ended up hospitalized for “exhaustion” and the shareholders shit themselves. He released a statement today explaining what’s going on:

As many of you know, I have been losing weight throughout 2008. The reason has been a mystery to me and my doctors. A few weeks ago, I decided that getting to the root cause of this and reversing it needed to become my #1 priority.

Fortunately, after further testing, my doctors think they have found the cause—a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy. Sophisticated blood tests have confirmed this diagnosis.

The remedy for this nutritional problem is relatively simple and straightforward, and I’ve already begun treatment. But, just like I didn’t lose this much weight and body mass in a week or a month, my doctors expect it will take me until late this Spring to regain it. I will continue as Apple’s CEO during my recovery.

Um, so not to seem insensitive and stuff, but what exactly is this disease called? You know, the “hormone imbalance” that helps you lose weight without even trying? And could I, say, inject it directly into myself? That is, of course, after patenting the fuck out it? Cough up the deets, Steve-O. You made your fortune. Now help a sister out.

20 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Really laughing at this one. It’s witty.

    Co-sign for the “lose weight without even trying” hormone injections.

  • okay, not laughing at this one. the guy is obviously seriously ill and maybe it’s just me but I don’t find terminal illness a laughing matter.

    • it doesnt have to be terminal i read an articla about a woman who was losing all this weight eating the fattiest foods and it was because she had a parasite after drinking some bad water

      • It doesn’t have to be, yes. But with the guy who was already been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, one with the highest mortality rate, again – I am not laughing.

  • He’s already battled cancer. If it was a recurrence, he’d probably just state it instead of making up some “hormone imbalance.” I agree, this sounds shady, like there’s more to it. But it’s likely not cancer, and he should just be honest with the public.
    It’s all about politics, however. Stocks dropped so sharply when the rumors first circulated. This press release is to save face, and save the asses of investors.

    • Um. The opening paragraph of Jobs’ press release is something about how this is the first Christmas he was able to spend with his children or something like that. He goes on to say that he really doesn’t want to discuss his private matters, but since people (including investors) have taken such interest, FINE, HERE.

      Yes, it is a press release to boost the stock value again. So?

      That stock values should plummet because Jobs A) is thin, and B) is not going to MacWorld ARE BOTH TOTALLY INSANE. Jobs is not obligated to tell his Apple customers whether he is thin, dying, healthy, secretly Muslim, whatever. Seriously: it’s none of our business.

      • Actually, they haven’t groomed anyone to take his place as CEO, so it is VERY important to investors and totally their business.

        If/when he leaves, there will be a huge drop-off of stock because it is assumed that no one around right now can run the company as well as he has.

    • I thought about that too, but I have to think if it was just as simple as that, knowing that so many people suffer from it and it’s typically treated in a fairly simple manner (if you consider radiation removal of the thyroid, followed by a lifetime of hormone replacement meds to be simple treatment), he would’ve just said it was that.

    • Yeah, it sounds like hyperthyroidism/ Graves’ Disease to me. That’s what I have and I went through the same physical changes as Steve did. Definitely not a laughing matter.

  • I lol’d :D
    Nobody’s running around saying how he’s lying and giving adolescent boys a bad body image, huh?

  • Addison’s disease?
    a lot more difficult to diagnose than hyperthyroidism
    because it occurs much much much less often

  • I read that doctors think the weight loss and hormone imbalance is due to the pancreatic cancer he had.

  • My father had pancreatic cancer and began losing weight at a rapid rate. He was diagnosed in April and died July 13th. I think Steve has cancer. I hope not.

  • He had part of his pancreas removed, which makes you very likely to become a type 1 diabetic. One of the key symptoms of untreated type 1 diabetes is rapid, extreme weight loss. (Unlike Type 2, where an early symptom is weight gain).