Charles Barkley Got His DUI on His Way to a Blow Job

Heh.

If you haven’t read the full police report related to Charles Barkley’s DUI arrest, I suggest you do, as it’s a doozy (it’s here).

But, basically, Barkley was exceptionally cooperative and congenial with the police officers, and also very hilarious. They’d pulled him over for running a stop sign, but he’d picked up a chick on the side of the street before the arrest. Barkley told the arresting officer that he was going to drive around the corner and get a blow job from that chick. He told the officer that she’d given him a blow job a week ago, and it was the best he’d ever had in his life.

Later in the evening, he told another police department employee that he’d “tattoo my name on your ass” if it would help get him out of the arrest. He then realized his misstatement, and corrected himself: “I’ll tattoo your name on my ass.”

Oh, and the officer says that “the majority of my roadside contact with Mr. Barkley was recorded on a digital audio recorder. A copy of the recording will be impounded into evidence.”

Um, can it also be impounded into my blog? I think yes.

In short, Barkley was drunk and stupid, but it seems like he was pretty generally a decent guy about the whole thing.

I should tell you my Charles Barkley story. A lot of the Phoenix Suns players, back in the day, sent their kids to the private school I attended, which had a very competitive admissions process that could usually be neatly evaded with a generous donation. Barkley wanted his little girl to go to our school, so he donated an aquarium to our science center and was planning to donate a bunch of exotic sea creatures, too. They put the aquarium in the main hall of the science center, but, for whatever reason, Barkley’s daughter didn’t end up enrolling in the school, and we never got the fish. So, for like a full year, we had what essentially amounted to a huge tub of water and seaweed sitting in the main hall of the science building courtesy of Charles Barkley. We’d walk by it on our way to class and be like, “How’s the Barkley Aquarium today?” It was a running joke forever.

I don’t know where Barkley’s daughter ended up going to high school, but I’m sure, wherever she is today, she’s thrilled to hear that her dad got a DUI en route to a blow job.