It’s funny, because I came home tonight from a verrrry long Arizona day — seriously I went to a Cardinals game and then out for drinks with friends and somehow it was immensely stressful, but that’s what being home does to me — and I really felt like listening to Kelly Clarkson’s My December, so I brought it up on Rhapsody and started rocking out to it. I don’t care what anyone says, I like that album. And then I’m flipping through the news trying to see if there’s anything important I missed because apparently I am very out of the loop when it comes to anything not involving celebrities. It’s funny, most of the friends I went out for drinks with tonight are in banking, and we all have very similar educations and backgrounds and somewhere along the way I took a sharp left turn and wound up in celebrity gossip instead of M&A, and I’m grateful for it, but everyone’s chatting all about Bernard Madoff and Ponzi schemes and the attacks in Gaza and I’m just like “Uhhh … Lindsay Lohan’s boot are awesome. They have a very high ROI, if you measure ROI in awesomeness. More champagne, anyone?” So I thought I’d come home, put on some Kelly Clarkson, and try to catch up on the real world. What I found instead? An article about how Kelly Clarkson is releasing a new single in January.

The original American Idol’s last album, My December, and subsequent tour didn’t exactly strike a chord with fans—at least in comparison with her 2004 smash, Breakaway.

The songbird is set to launch a new single, “My Life Would Suck Without You,” in January, followed by a new album dropping in March. This comes nearly a year after her fourth album was rumored to debut. Tracks from that attempt were leaked and the recording was abandoned as Clarkson went on tour with Reba McEntire.

See?

The universe doesn’t want me to be well-rounded.

Anyway, I have to be honest, I’m psyched about this. I hope her single’s good and I will definitely be checking out her album. I’m still rooting for Kelly.

Um, if you can believe it, Chyna was rushed to the hospital early Saturday morning when friends found her passed out with cuts on her arms. From TMZ:

We’ve learned Chyna was rushed to the hospital early Saturday — her birthday. She was so drunk when she was admitted, the shrinks at the hospital couldn’t even do a psych evaluation.

Paramedics were called to her home in Burbank just before 5:00 AM. Saturday. She was celebrating her birthday with a few friends and had way too many drinks — which didn’t mix well with her prescriptions.

Friends found her passed out with cuts on her arms and were so worried, they called 911. After she was taken to the hospital, doctors wanted to perform a psych evaluation, but her blood alcohol level was so high they had to wait.

We spoke with Chyna in the hospital. She said, “All I really want right now is a hamburger and fries right now.”

This is so sad. She was suicidal back in her Surreal Life days, however many years ago. Same thing on Celebrity Rehab. Some people get it and some people don’t, I guess. I feel awful for her. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for, chica.

1) There is absolutely nothing of any interest going on anywhere in the world right now. Trust me, I asked everyone.

2) I’m in Scottsdale at my dad’s house, where the Internet moves at about the speed of the fat asthma kid in fourth grade.

3) I am still sick.

4) Wendie is even sicker than I am, and she has the added bonus of a sick kiddo to deal with on top of it.

5) The result: Not gonna be much posting on Sunday.

If you guys want, you can entertain yourselves by composing haikus about Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Samantha Ronson in the comments. THEY MUST BE IN HAIKU FORM. I will pick a winner. The winner will get absolutely nothing, but there will be bragging rights, I can promise you that.

Whose famous vagina excreted this pacified cutie? She was spotted doing some shopping with her mom in LA yesterday. Here’s an unexpected hint: her celeb mom was smoking a cigarette not two feet from this little girl! And she’s not Britney Spears!

Answer is after the jump.

(more…)

Oh, Paris. I don’t care whether you’re in Aspen or Los Angeles or Mt. Everest. You’re competing with Lindsay Lohan each and every day of your life, and it simply cannot be done in those boots. Lindsay Lohan is the reigning boots champion of the world. The boots you are wearing are not nearly as cool as the ones Lindsay’s been wearing lately, plus how are we supposed to get a pic of your slipping and eating shit in the snow if you insist on such sturdy footwear? And lastly your name is not written on ANYTHING you are wearing right now. This worries me. What if you have a sudden chlamydia attack and pass out? How will anyone know who you are? We all know you’re not very good at hanging onto your drivers license …

Also I had a thought tonight. The thought is probably more related to the medicine I’m on for my cold than anything else, but wouldn’t it have been funny if Paris Hilton had been named Aspen instead? Like, they’re both two syllables for really expensive places where rich people go. It totally could have happened. Can’t you see her as being an Aspen Hilton? I really can.

I think I may have told this story on this blog before, but one of my best friends in high school had a brother whose middle name is Orson. His first name is Jeff. And his parents took a long time deciding which would be his middle name and which would be his first. And whenever Jeff would get into trouble — with a girl or with alcohol or partying — his parents would be like “THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF WE’D NAMED YOU ORSON!”

I don’t know why I shared that story, but I guess what I’m asking is this: Would Paris Hilton still be this obnoxious if her name were Aspen?

Lindsers looks fantastic like always (these days!), smoking a cigarette with SamRo outside of Neiman Marcus after a long, hard day of shopping. Hey, at least something in her life is long and hard these days! (Ba-dum-bum ching! Honestly people if I were getting laid AT ALL I wouldn’t have to make these jokes.)

I continue to obsess upon her boots, and would like to say thank you to the commenter who told me where to find the knock-off versions of the boots she was wearing here. I received them in the mail today, and they are fucking amazing and when I wear them I feel like a movie star. Seriously I try not to spend too much time thinking about the things I would be willing to do in exchange for Lindsay Lohan’s boot collection. It’s not good for my self-esteem.

Image via WENN