Cindy Crawford’s kids are soooooo beautiful.

Like, Presley and Kaia are the prettiest kids in the whole world. You can’t genetically engineer prettier kids than this.

I mean, Presley is nine years old, and I already know I’m gonna wanna have sex with him in about ten years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not attracted to a nine-year-old, but, like, honestly, how often can you look at a nine-year-old boy and be like “I’m gonna wanna hit that when it’s older”? But this kid? Is gonna be so hot. I mean, he already has that “Yeah, I’m insanely hot, and we both know it” look in his eyes.

And Kaia? I didn’t even know it was possible for a 7-year-old to have the bone structure of a supermodel, but this girl does. Ridiculous. Totally unfair. I’m intimidated by the looks of a second-grader. It’s a cruel, cruel world.

Oh, this would make me BEYOND happy.

So you know how Joe “Loser” Jonas dumped Taylor “Perfect” Swift for Camilla “Eyebrows” Belle, who was supposedly, like, the love of his whole life?

Welllll, it looks like the tables may have turned!

Camilla was spotted hanging out on Abbot Kinney in Venice with none other than newly minted heart-throb Robbert Pattinson, of Twilight fame. The two looked VERY chummy, and there have been rumors about them for awhile now.

Did Joe Jonas get his ass dumped for a dude who isn’t totally repulsive to anyone over the age of 17?

Man, I sure hope so.

“I’m thinking that will inspire big thoughts.”

Ten-year-old Malia Obama, explaining to her father her intention to do her homework at the desk in the Lincoln bedroom after the family moves into the White House.

Ivana Trump announced her separation from her fourth husband just days ago, and last night she showed up at some awards show in Paris, attached to a 22-year-old model named John-David.

Part of me wants to be like “Rock on, Ivana! Don’t let age stop you! It never stops the rich guys!!” But then a part of me, like, really hurts for her, and wishes she’d take some time to figure out whatever the hell it is she’s been looking for in all these marriages.

I mean, I get it, Ivana, I like having sex with male models, too — it’s a lot of fun and it’s a total ego boost — but, Christ, I don’t marry them, or even really take them out in public. Because, as a general rule, the prettier a boy is, the less he’s got to offer in every other aspect of his existence. It’s not a firm law, but it’s a good guideline. Why don’t you take some time for yourself, and then look for a man who’s your own age, and who can appreciate you for all you’ve endured and triumphed over. You have an incredible life story. Find someone who respects that. Because this shit just can’t be healthy.

You know, most of the time, Tori Spelling bores me, but when it gets into the hate/hate relationship she has with her mom, I’m just fascinated. Tori’s new book has had its release date bumped up — to coincide with the release date of her mom’s tell-all!

Candy is releasing her memoir, Stories From Candyland, on April 14, 2009. Tori’s sophomore effort, Mommywood, was originally supposed to be released two weeks later, on April 28.

But several sources now tell me Tori’s book will now come out on—you guessed it—April 14!

Does this mean the two will have joint book readings and signings at your local Barnes & Noble? Don’t bet on it.

If things go as well for Tori as they did for her first book, sTORI Telling, she won’t need anybody else’s help. The 288-page tome actually hit No. 1 on the New York Times best-seller list.

A rep for Tori insists the change in publication date has nothing to do with her mother. “It was the publisher’s decision to change the release date of Mommywood to April 14, in order to participate in special Mother’s Day promotions with major retailers,” the rep said.

Is anyone planning to buy either of these books? Who are the thousands and thousands of people who bought sTORI Telling? Was it any good???

More importantly: Whose book is gonna win come April 14?

And, yes, I did dig up a photo of the mother/daughter duo from 1983. It’s practically the last time they were photographed together without Aaron in the middle keeping the peace.

At the Room to Grow 10th anniversary benefit gala. (Actually a very cool organization dedicating to helping babies born into poverty. Check out their website here.)

The dude she’s pictured with is her boyfriend, super-rich dude Arpad Busson.