On Monday, I got to celebrate my grandfather’s 82nd birthday with him. “Do I get to be on your blog?” he asked. “If I’m on your blog, am I automatically an A-list celebrity?” I told him that this was not exactly the case, but that I would do what I could for him. At 82 years old, my grandfather is a daily reader of The Evil Beet and my Twitter feed. (“He doesn’t know how to get started with the computer,” says his wife, “but once I get him all set up he reads it for hours, and he clicks on all the links to help you make money.”) Grandpa Sam knows more about Lindsay Lohan than any other octogenarian on the planet, with the possible exception of Hugh Hefner, who may well know her in the Biblical sense.

In all seriousness, my grandfather has been playing language and spelling games with me since before I really knew the alphabet. He reads the entire newspaper cover to cover every single day, and has been doing this for as long as I can remember — since I was able to read and even to this day, he clips out articles he thinks may be of interest to me and sends them to me via U.S. Mail. When I was trying to quit smoking, he sent me a package of gum and sweets nearly every day. He asked for Wendie’s address so that he could send Hannukah gelt and pens to her children, because that’s just the kind of person he is. He has outlined several novels that he feels I ought to write, the latest of which involves gay teenage vampires (“There’s a built-in audience!”). And did I mention he was a WWII war hero? (He will want me to be specific here, and mention all his purple hearts and silver medals, but I forget the details, so I’m sure I’ll be lectured about this the next time we speak.) In short, he’s basically the coolest dude on the planet, and I am forever grateful to him for all he has contributed to my education and personal growth.

Happy birthday, Grandpa Sam! I love you.

Frankly, I’m torn between the auto-play music (Don Henley’s “Dirty Laundry”) or the fact that his logo looks a lot like Perez Hilton’s did a few years back. I’m also terribly disappointed that I haven’t been added to his blogroll yet. It may be related to the scathing email I sent him after he emailed me to let me know he launched a new blog to be mean to his own daughter (he didn’t respond). Come on, Mike, give Evil Beet some blogroll love. We’ll link back! You have no idea how many people would kill to be on this blogroll. Trust me, I get the emails every single day. Mostly they’re from websites selling drugs or porn. How about I forward you all those emails in exchange for a blogroll link?

Anyway, Michael has called a truce with his daughter, and has printed this on his website, and I just don’t think the English language has words to describe how fucking insane this shit is:

There is a truce between Lindsay and I, so please stop adding any fuel to the fire. I respectfully ask that all sources, so called friends and mouthpieces refrain from any more comments or suggestions on her blog.

ZOMG.

The ONLY person who has EVER added fuel to this fire is YOU, Michael. ONLY YOU.

I rarely say things like this, but just do us all a favor and kill yourself, okay?

(But not before you add me to your blogroll!)

Everyone’s getting in their Christmas proposals.

Up now: Love of my life Zooey Deschanel, who got engaged to Death Cab for Cutie lead singer Ben Gibbard over the holidays.

I had no idea the two were together.

I saw Ben perform live at a Rhapsody party this summer. I would have been waaaay more interested in him if I’d known he were dating Zooey. Luckily, his good pal John Krasinski showed up to support him that night, so I had someone to swoon over.

How gorgeous does Cate look in the pages of this month’s Vanity Fair?

She was photographed for the mag by Annie Leibovitz.

And she’s wearing more clothes than Miley Cyrus was!

Congratulations to Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, who on Sunday welcomed a son named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston.

Bristol is currently residing in Wasilla and completing her high-school diploma through correspondence courses. Levi is studying to become an electrician.

And, with that, hopefully we can now close the book on all Palins everywhere and never have to talk about this family ever again.

Congrats to Woody Harrelson, who finally tied the knot with his longtime girlfriend, Laura Louie, on Sunday in Maui.

The couple have three daughters, Makani Ravello, 2, Zoe Giordano, 12 and Denni Montana, 15.

Guess which one was the accident.