Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Jessica Biel Is a Stripper But Everything Else Is Way Too Serious

That is my analysis of Powder Blue, whose dialogue-free trailer is above. I don’t know what’s going on in this movie, but it looks really sad and I have no interest in seeing it, because I hate movies that make me cry. I watched Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro last night and loved it. That’s the kind of movie I enjoy — where the only thing to be sad about is the realization that this is probably where Maura Tierney’s film career will peak.

Hopefully someone will just upload all the scenes of Jessica Biel stripping onto YouTube so that I can make fun of her without having to see any of the parts where people are sad or dying or otherwise angsty.

21 CommentsLeave a comment

  • I couldn’t care less if it’s sad… bitch better show some titties and a little cooz or I’ll never watch it. Here’s the rule Hollywood… if you’re playing a stripper in a movie you MUST at least show some boobs. And no strip club scenes where all the girls are giving lap dances with bikinis on. That takes me right out of the movie and makes my penis sad.

  • Wow, Klipper, how disturbing. And disturbed. Love how you call girls “bitches”. We’re you the guy in Monster saying he loves/hates prostitutes?

  • “…where people are sad or dying or otherwise angsty,” funniest little phrase I’ve read all day!

    Klipper’s got an excellent point. It’s kind of ridiculous when films or shows are made about stripping and seedy naked dancing etcetera but none of the actresses playing striptease dancers actually strip. It’s stupid, and unrealistic. If they’re gonna make a movie with strippers in it, well then for christ sake, they oughta be stripping! It’s completely unrealistic if they aren’t. And what dancer keeps her bikini top on when giving a lap dance? That just isn’t the case in real life.

  • I agree with Klipper and snow. I watched part of that Linds stripper movie… I know who killed me or whatever (don’t ask. I didn’t watch it on purpose, I promise). Like, hello, what strippers don’t show boobs AT LEAST. Strippers strip. They don’t just dance around in undies. I can understand not wanting to show vadge, but at least boobs. you’re playing a freaking stripper. if you don’t want to… you know.. don’t play a stripper. it’s like watching a movie about the ER but never showing any blood.. or emergencies. doesn’t translate to real life.

  • dang. I just watched the trailer and I bet the music is going to be fantastic… and I think Biel just made me a little gay.

    that movie actually looks kind of great. But alas, I like sad movies.

  • I’m going to have to agree with the posts above me, to an extent.
    LIndsay Lohan played a stripper in “I know who killed me” and failed miserably.
    Natalie Portman played a stripper in “Closer” and did a fantastic job.
    No offense to Jessica Biel, but she’s truly not that talented. And not showing any body parts does make it a little unrealistic.
    But the music does sound good.

  • Read the script last year. Sucked major ass…It’s a little bit of a Crash wannabe. Only reason it’s going to sell at all is cuz Jessica Biel is apparently naked-ish.

  • looks like a load of crap to me. trying way too hard, ya know? i will take the lindsay stripper movie over that type any day, at least it wasn’t pretending to be oscar-worthy or whatever.
    yes i watched “i know who killed me”(the whole thing), yes it was terrible (but i am a fan of sci-fi channel originals), and yes part of the terrible-ness was the lack lindsay’s boobs. like come on, we’ve all seen your vadge hecka times. what’s the big deal.

  • dang joan, you watched the whole thing? what the hell was up with that plot? it was so awful. i feel like i have to watch the rest of it now… UGH.

    hecka? are you from the bay area? or is that more “hella”?

    I never saw Closer… Now I want to.

  • Whaaaa! Don’t insult Jennifer Connelly by comparing her to Jessica Biel. ;-)
    What do they have in common? Nothing.
    I don’t mind sad movies but I do mind boring ones. And this looks super boring.

  • Come on! not going to see a movie with Forrest Whittaker, Ray Liotta and Jessica Biel in it!!!!

    I agree. It will be a sad movie. But these are Forrest and Ray are awesome actors.

    I see Patrick Swayze is listed in the cast of credits as well.

    This is a gotta see movie.

  • yes i watched the whole thing, i couldn’t help it, like i was under it’s spell. i mean, did you see any of the spontaneous amputation scenes? and the sex scenes? priceless. i grew up in the central valley (where i am now) but yes i lived in the east bay for 3 yrs- and it was all about hella until my kids brought home hecka from elementary school (i guess that is how you say hella without getting in trouble from your teacher) so yes i have the slang vocabulary of a third grader.

  • that’s so funny joan. I was just asking because I recently moved up here, and was amazed by the hella/hecka. And will do everything I can to NOT pick it up.

    omg I saw one of the sex scenes…… hahahhha SO RIDICULOUS. oh jesus christ. I am seriously going to have to watch it now. somehow my friend owns it (that’s another long story too). crap. thanks a lot joan!!!! :(

  • what’s with her nasty overly-muscular back?

    she is soooo non-fucky.

    ew!

    justin….britney’s hotter than ever, plus she’s got her marbles back, so…you go on back now…ya hear?!

  • Just by the trailer let me guess…

    A stripper with a heart of gold is the connecting person to several different stories in the film. All the stories lead back to her in some way.

    Done before. Move on.

  • The music hooked me. The actors hooked me. The movie has a disturbing, mysterious, morbid undertone. Like death. This is going to be one of those movies you either understand and love, or don’t get and hate. There will be no in-between. Sort of like American Beauty. Dunxt – you’ve got class. You know good actors. See ya at the movies Baby.