Finally, a couple I can stand!  Orlando Bloom and Victoria’s Secret Model Miranda Kerr are engaged and planning a wedding for next summer.  I need these two to get on the procreating right away.  I cannot even fathom what the genetics of these two could possibly produce.

Thanks Down Unda!

Whitney Houston has released an official statement denying Bobby Brown reconciliation rumors.  Uh…what?  I scanned the original story (the one where “unnamed sources” said Bobby and Whitney totally, definitely, possibly could be getting back together) a few days ago and then immediately drank a bottle of rubbing alcohol in an attempt to obliterate the memory.  Or vodka…it might have been vodka.  Either way, I am very relieved to hear it was a BS story.  I may be a couple of days late but Whitney’s denial is what I am most thankful for. 

I’m convinced that paps just make up these stories during slow news times, i.e. the holidays.  I’m thinking at Christmas, we should expect headlines such as “Amy Winehouse Opts For Water Without Scotch!”  Or “Posh Spice Eats!”  You know, something completely unbelievable.

I guess the big story is that $125,000 in jewelry, lent to Winona Ryder for a Marie-Claire photo shoot, has gone missing.  The first version of this disaster was that Ryder reported the bracelet and ring missing after she gave them to a hotel employee to put in the safe.  Of course there were no surveillance tapes of that exchange happening and the story has now changed.  New reports are surfacing stating that she left jewelry and clothes from the shoot in her hotel room when she checked out because no one from Marie-Claire came by to collect them.  Seriously, just left the stuff in the room.  Like, where is her responsibility in this?  The dress and shoes weren’t stolen from the hotel room.  Just the diamonds natch.

And I’m over here in the corner thinking “Who the FUCK thought it was a good idea to loan over 100k in jewelry to Winona Ryder?  Do we actually forget her chewing inventory sensors off of satin hair bows in Barneys dressing room?  I wouldn’t loan this chick a Bic.”  Now listen, I have no idea if she stole the gems or not.  I’m merely suggesting that a felon with a propensity for prescription drugs may not be the one you leave unattended with Bulgari diamonds.

And yes, the bracelet in the picture is the AWOL bracelet.

Lynne Spears, mom of Britney, spoke out this week on the UK’s GMTV about the road to recovery that Brit has travelled this past year.  According to Lynne, “a lot of love and care and help” has been just what the doctor ordered.  Is she kidding me right now?  Unless by “love and care and help” she means mood stabilizers.  Again, it goes to the complete bullshit that is Hollywood.  If you are willing to broadcast the status of your daughter’s mental health all in the name of whoring your book, why not at least be honest about it?  I blame The Beatles for this all you need is love crap.  Love doesn’t pay bills and it can’t save doomed relationships.  And it sure as hell doesn’t cure the crazies.

This is the real deal: Lynne fucking Spears does not have some special brand of love that can conquer brain chemistry.  Mother daughter mani/pedis did not make the pink wigs and fake accents and Sam Lufti go away.  A return to normalcy for Brit came in the form of a steady diet of Klonopin Wafers.  Trust me on this. 

Lynne Spears’ book is Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid Word.  Oh I so need to order this up.  Off to Amazon!  Fuck it, let me wait three weeks…I can probably get it off the “Bargain Reads” shelf at Borders for $4.99.

Here’s Brit doing “Womanizer” live in Paris tonight.

Better outfit. Still dead in the eyes.

Thanks uncommongirl!

The American audience just ain’t what it used to be!

We now spend Thanksgiving eve at the bars, not in front of the TV with our families. And if we ARE watching TV? We wanna see gunfire and explosions and sex and gore, not singing and dancing.

Rosie’s variety show, which aired Wednesday night on NBC, only brought in 5M viewers, a very tragic number for a major special on a major network.

I bet when MTV airs its Britney documentary on Sunday night it’ll match or beat those numbers, despite being on a cable network.

America loves its DRAMA!