There was talk of Britney Spears getting a “do-over” performance at the 2008 VMAs, but since her 2007 performance resulted in three public hangings and an invite-only beheading at MTV’s New York City offices, it looks like the staff thought better of it. Britney will not perform live on the VMAs. Instead, she recorded a promo clip with the host, Russell Brand. (Can’t figure out where you know Russell Brand from? He was the crazy rock star dude in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.)

The spot apparently pokes fun at her god-awful performance from last year, and it seems it involves some manner of literal elephant in the room.

Sigh.

Okay, so here’s like, my biggest pet peeve in the world. I call the cable company to ask a question. Before I can talk to a human being, I’m asked to key in my telephone number. I do this. Then a human being answers, and asks me for my telephone number. I give it to her. Then this human being asks me for my name, address and account number. I tell her. Then she asks me what I need. I tell her. Then she’s like, “Oh, okay, I’m gonna have to pass you along to XYZ Dept.” And I’m like “Okay.” So then another human being gets on the line. He asks me my phone number. I give it to him. Then he asks me for my name, address and account number. I give it to him. Then he asks me what I need. I tell him. He’s like, “Okay, I’m gonna go ahead and take care of the first part of that for you, but you need to speak to the folks at ABC Dept for the second part. I’ll send your call to them.” Then a third human being gets on the line. She asks me for my telephone number. I give it to her. Then she asks me for my name, address and account number. I give it to her. Then she wants to know what I need.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, PEOPLE!!! WE HAVE SENT A MAN TO WALK ON THE MOON! CAN YOU NOT TRANSFER MY MOTHERFUCKING ACCOUNT INFORMATION ALONG WITH THE PHONE CALL???? HOW FUCKING HARD CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE???? MAYBE IF WE SET UP A FACEBOOK GROUP TO WALK YOU THROUGH IT???

Anyway.

Extra has the tape of the 911 call made in relation to the Shia LaBeouf car accident, which was a very bad accident. The stupid lady who answers makes the caller give her all the info, then transfers her to the LAPD, where she has to give the info again, and then the LAPD wants her to tell it to the ambulance driver again. Like OMFG JUST GET A FUCKING POLICE CAR TO THE CORNER OF FOUNTAIN AND LA BREA WHERE THERE’S A FUCKING CAR TURNED UPSIDE-DOWN. THIS IS NOT A GAME OF WHERE’S WALDO. YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FIND IT.

Sorry.

I went to the DMV today. I’m in a bad mood.

It’s opening night of the Olympics, and it also happens to be a lovely, summer Friday night that the country can’t wait to get out and enjoy.

What a politician to do?

Why, admit to cheating on his wife, of course.

Former U.S. senator and Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards admitted to an extramarital affair in an interview with ABC News, the network reported Friday. He denied being the father of the woman’s child, as had been alleged in tabloid reports.

Speaking to the network for a story to be aired Friday night, Edwards acknowledged the affair with 42-year-old Rielle Hunter, which began after she was hired to make documentary videos for his campaign, ABC said.

He said that he has not taken a paternity test but that the timing of the affair rules out the possibility that he could be her baby girl’s father.

A former campaign aide has publicly said he fathered the child.

Edwards also said that, although he was banging Rielle — while, I should mention, his wife was battling cancer — he never loved her.

See, that makes it all okay. It’s the conversation I have with all my boyfriends. I’m like, “See, I totally understand if you need to get some outside pussy, just don’t fall in love, okay?” Right. Why don’t we just have Tucker Max run for President?

Even though it won’t air on US television until tonight, the opening ceremony of the Olympics has just ended in Beijing.

I’m trying to find you guys clips, but unfortunately the television stations have people stalking YouTube full-time to remove any copyrighted material. This is what I could find so far. It’s very homosexual.

Honestly, I find it more shocking that she’s not wearing jeans eight sizes too big.

Jaymes Foster, the 50-something longtime friend and producer of Clay Aiken, has given birth to a baby who was conceived via artificial insemination using Clay’s little swimmers.

The baby, son Parker Foster Aiken, was born early this morning in North Carolina. Clay was on-hand for the event, as the odd couple (who are platonic friends, obvs) plan to raise the kiddo together.

Mother and baby — who is reportedly dark-haired, not a red-head — are doing well.

Oh, and also?

Clay Aiken is gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But he is.

I’m just saying. Mostly to attract all the page views I’m now going to get from ClayMates commenting about how I should never utter such words. I’m a savvy businesswoman, you know.

Congrats, kids!