Oh, Lily.

You just can’t stay out of trouble these days, can you?

Lily was stumbling between London clubs at 1:30 in the morning when a random fan started talking shit to her. The obvious response? Lily punched her three times. The paps say she landed all three punches solidly. And she would have kept going, except her friends pulled her away and put her in the car.

Rock on, Lily.

This is kind of what I’d like to do to Microsoft right now. I just had my FOURTH core dump of the night as I was downloading these photos of Lily. Folks, please let me serve as a warning to you: DON’T BUY ANYTHING WITH VISTA INSTALLED ON IT. And this is AFTER THE SERVICE PACK they released in the spring. I remember we had to write our own operating systems in my OS class in college, when I studied computer science. I drank a lot back in those college days, and I’m pretty sure I was loaded while I was coding most of that project. Just sitting at my Unix terminal for hours and hours with nothing but rum and Coke and CS books. Nonetheless, when I was done, I had created an operating system that NEVER, EVER HAD A CORE DUMP. I did it all by myself. DRUNK. Before I was even old enough to legally drink. It is not that hard.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, MICROSOFT???

I’m buying a Mac first thing tomorrow. You finally lost me, Mr. Gates.

Get a load of that bump, folks!

Here’s a preggers Ashlee leaving the Ivy sans Petey.

I suppose the biggest question is really why this took so damn long.

Dita Von Teese has teamed up with Wonderbra to create a line of lingerie inspired by looks from the ’40s and ’50s.

“I love it when you can go about your daily business with the knowledge that you have a little secret of your own on underneath,” she says. “Lingerie shouldn’t be something you just put on for your lover; you should do it for you. It’s not about seducing men, it’s about embracing womanhood.”

I actually think this is awesome and I’m excited to buy it. In fact, I think this is the first time in my life I have been excited to buy something from a clothing line made by a celebrity. And it’ll be all about embracing my womanhood, since I have no one to seduce.

Meanwhile, it took me like 30 minutes to write this stupid post because my new laptop just decided to shut down because, ya know, it felt like it.

I am going to the Apple store tomorrow morning. I’m so done with this shit.

It’s actually a pretty long list.

I have to kill both Amanda Beard and model Lily Donaldson, both of whom Michael Phelps is rumored to be dating, but before I do that, I have to kill anyone involved in the creation of Windows Vista and the decision to install it on any fucking new laptop. From what I can tell, Windows Vista is in no way better than XP, it’s just very different and therefore impossible to navigate when you’re used to using XP. Oh, and it’s crashed twice already. Like, full-on core dump. While I was trying to do complicated things. Like connect to the Internet. Incredible. How long did Microsoft take to release this crapfest? Hopefully Bill Gates is doing a little better providing health care to children in third-world countries. Because if his track record over there is anything like fucking Vista, those kids are going to have bizarre mutations any day now. Like, the third eye won’t just be a figurative reference in rural India.

Seriously, what was wrong with XP? I hate you, Microsoft. I swore I’d never be a Mac user, but, for the first time in my life, I’m seriously considering it. I mean, if I’m gonna have to learn a new fucking OS from scratch anyway …

So anyway. Yeah. Phelps has been linked to both Amanda and Lily, both of whom I will kill so that he can be mine, all mine. But only after I get through with the folks at Microsoft.

Uma Thurman puffs on a cancer stick while on vacation with fiance Arpad Busson.

And I am certainly in NO POSITION to judge anyone else for smoking … but I’m nearly at a month smoke-free! Not a SINGLE cigarette! Boo-yah, motherfuckers!!!

[Image via Splash]

Woo hoo for Christina Applegate, who announced at a taping of Good Morning America today that, just a month after being diagnosed with breast cancer, she is free of the disease.

“I’m clear,” she said. “Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. … They got everything out so I’m definitely not going to die from breast cancer.”

Christina’s battle seems easy, but it’s in large part due to the fact that she got checked early and regularly for signs of cancer, knowing that she was at risk.

GET YOUR TITTIES CHECKED, LADIES!!! This is something you DO want to know!