Today's Evil Beet Gossip

I Want to Do Such Dirty Things to Michael Phelps

Yes, yes, yes. Michael Phelps won the 200m IM today — and set a new world record while he was at it — putting him six for six in his quest for Olympic record-setting. But we all knew that would happen.

NBC ran a little clip about his body before his race. That’s not fair, NBC! Teasing us like that! And here’s the real news: Did you know that Michael wears a SIZE 14 SHOE? And that his hands are the SIZE OF PLATES? Let’s not use euphemisms here, people: this guy has an enormous penis. And I want to have sex with it.

So while he was swimming, I was thinking about how I could land him, and I stumbled on a plan. Once upon a time, I dated a rock star in LA. Here’s the deal: my roommate was hooking up with his neighbor, so we all went over to this guy’s house, and he and I start chatting, and he tells me he’s in this band and he tells me the name of the band, and I’m like, “Oh, wow, that’s nice,” thinking it’s some kind of local band. I’d never heard of it. I’m sure I acted genuinely bored with the whole “I’m in a band” thing, because, frankly, I was, but the guy was cool and really sweet and funny and had the best weed in California so I hung out with him while my roommate and her boy went off to fuck. About an hour into our conversation, I excuse myself to use the bathroom, and as I’m walking through the hall, I notice that there’s a fucking Grammy on the wall. And so I go back into the living room and I’m like, “This might be a weird question, but is your band, like, famous?” And he just kind of laughed and was like, “Yeah, sorta.” But we dated for awhile after that — it ended when he went on tour and I had no intention of trusting him around groupies, and, frankly, he had no intention of being trusted around groupies — but he told me the reason he went for me was that he could tell right away that I really didn’t know his band or that he was famous, and he liked that.

So here’s the Michael Phelps plan:

I run into him casually. Get introduced. Start with the small talk. Giggle. Then I’m gonna be all like, “Hey, you know, some friends and I were going to go kayaking this weekend if you want to come. But we’re a little short on life jackets. Do you know how to swim?”

And then, my friends, I will get me a piece of that size 14 penis.

Which is pictured here today, instead of his pelvic bone, because I just found this picture and I think it’s delightful.

85 CommentsLeave a comment

  • You know what I think is delightful? your posts!”size 14 penis”! hahahahaha…I mean I run here after his every gold to see what you will write:))

  • Oh and also, you have to tell who that rocker was. You have to. You can’t tell a story like that and not say who he is!

  • u rock beet!!! c’mon, tell us who it was. we are all dying to know!
    also, after you land that size 14 penis, pass him my way.

  • Oh mah goodness!!! Dish the details bout the rocker!!! Oh and I was crackin up bout the penis thing. lol.

  • Oh Beet, you totally have to check out Eamon Sullivan, he’s an Aussie swimmer and he’s fricken awesome looking. And he’s got a few world records and some gold too. And he’s newly single. I’m totally gonna be there for the rebound.

  • Haha, if you ever get near him, I hope he knows what to do with his huge penis….otherwise, it’s just not worth the trouble…trust me on this one….

  • Not to rub it in all your faces but my boyf has size 14 feet and that’s English sizes – that’s what a 15 in US?

    And yes it’s true……..

  • I don’t care about the rocker
    I agree with you about Phelps
    he’s godlike
    this pic shows it
    even if he’s the next door guy type privately
    he looks…divine
    he knows it
    he exudes it
    I’m happy because I could not understand tha Duritz and Grenier obsessions
    I can understand this one though
    this man has IT

  • But what about his face??? I couldn’t just “fuck” a penis, because a face goes with it… But to each his own, I guess….

  • Beet,

    You have already have found success in life with your career and ability to reach out to the public with honesty, realness and really, really, great information about the people we love and hate. Your comments to the stories you have reported have made me laugh so hard. Just keep us we Leo updates!

  • that would be so cool for you to enjoy michael phelps 14 inch penis. except, the problem is, he’s gay. so unless you’re willing to bend over and let him pretend you’re a sailor reaching for the deck, i think you’re out of luck.

  • My friends and I sit at our separate homes and watch his meets, and talk online about all the dirty things we want to do to Phelps! He is delicious.

  • @Anonymous 11:28

    Fuck you very much. Let’s see what YOU look like so we can make rude comments.

  • YEAH ANONYMOUS, WHAT THE HELL? UM… LETS THINK SEAL IS WITH HEIDI KLUM! LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING. AND YOU SHOULDN’T JUDGE ANYONE ELSE’S. GUESS THATS WHY YOU’RE “ANONYMOUS”. FREAKING IDIOT

  • Thanks Beet! First place I check after a phelps win. Totally believe the rocker story. I think I am a pretty average looking woman in photos- But have an amazing energy IRL. This ‘energy’ & a cute bod always enabled me to pull guys way hotter and an actor, back in the day.

  • nope, not the only one, I’m not into him either.

    But I do want to know about the rocker! come on beet, you can’t leave us hanging like that. not cool

  • Well, I hear tell that he’s relocating from Michigan back to Bmore…that’s really not a big city my dear…hang out with the crowd up there and you just might get a piece. I would advise you to get in line early however…

  • Love the pic, love the post. I know, I heard that report yesterday and when they said size 14 shoe I almost fell out of my chair. MMM good.

  • Phelps is a dog lover and has a dog that he is VERY close to. I think you should have Leo “stumble” upon Phelps walking his dog and when they become fast friends, Leo can introduce you. It is better to have an introduction from a friend.

  • Sister, you are every bit worthy of the Phelps. Fuck the haters! I work you out twice a week, have seen you up close and personal and think you are darling. That dog should consider it an honor to bury his bone in your back yard.

  • Phelps is hot, but c’mon, this picture is more humorous than sexy. Look at the expression on his face–he looks like a Muppet. A well-hung Muppet, to be sure, but still…

    And isn’t he 6-4? Anything less than size 14s and he’d probably fall over.

    And Beet, at least give us a hint on the rocker!!

  • Whoa. That suit just screams, “Look! Look! Look at my cock!”

    So I did. Alot. Then I held down Control and the + sign to bring it up to life size.

  • Haha I love how any post involving beet wanting to do someone (often) haha gets insane amounts of comments…maybe its just sex in general haha

    -Blake
    The Few The Proud…Male Beet Readers

  • Listen Beet, you have to stop posting things like this during the workweek. That size 14 THING has been distracting me all damn day. My boyfriend is going to wonder what the hell got into me. (Heh, I wish.)

  • You are hilarious, seriously, I have stopped reading perez since you have gotten so funny. I love the sexy details!

  • BEET! Steven and Mark Lopez (taekwondo)are SUPER hot!! They haven’t won any medals yet, but I still think they deserve some attention.

  • Beet – he’s moving to Baltimore after the Olympics… you’re welcome to come stay with me anytime if you’d like to do some Phelps-stalking :)

  • Beet, you are a scream! And I’m sure you have better sense to pay attention to the “haters”. I loved your trainer’s comment! :D

  • @ ugh i am not into him either. yes, he has the body of a god – but that face – and the open fly catching mouth thing all the time. strong back, weak mind…

  • haha I think that is a brilliant plan it just might work.
    Or what if he’s one of those stuck up guys and he gets offended when you ask if he can swim and he’s all like…”You DON’T know who I am?”

  • While all of you are out running after Phelps, I’ll be getting nice and cozy with that Ryan boy. I don’t care about 14″, those blue eyes alone will make me cum.

  • My husband has size 16 feet! And other equipment to match.

    I have nothing substantive to add, it’s just so rare that I have an opening to brag about that. Also, I thought Beet was completely doable in the NYC pictures posted a while back, I think Michael Phelps would win a gold medal in a hot-body-weird-face competition, and I want to know who the rocker is.

  • sigh! yes I’m back again staring at this picture. I just realized he has his arms spread wide welcoming all to have a chance. Ok I think I have tonights fantasy…

  • Ugh and others: THANK GOD! I was beginning to worry about what was wrong with me that I find his looks (face only) less than average, even dorklike and dare I say…rather homely.

  • Phelps has a hot bod, but his face looks like my little brother’s best friend, and I can’t get over that. Ick. Best of luck with that, Beet. I saw Counting Crows tonight and Adam claims he has a gf…so I guess it’s a better idea to focus on someone else.

    So, who was the band member? Or at least the band?

  • I know it’s a late comment but I loved this story, lol.
    OMG, and I completely agree… you gotta say who the band member… or the band…O__O. GOTTA SAY IT. lolz.

  • Hmm… Beet, it’d be sweet if, as a perk to your readers, to thank us for our everlasting loyalty, you could give us vouchers to get a look see at Phelps’ uh, pubic bone and surrounding area(s). It’d give you an excuse to throughly inspect the material to make sure its fit for your readers’ consumption ;) (no need for stupid “take a kayak” excuses!)

    Oh yeah, and I have to join in on the chorus for the identity of rocker boy!

  • You know what’s funny? that Speedo is so thight it looks like body-painting! Hahahaha XD

    By the way: the rocker, the band… Either of those names will make us happy ;)

    Thanks Beet for giving my sexual fantasies a whole new twist tonight, with that 14 size penis, you are my idol!!! =D

  • He does have a girlfriend but he won’t tell say what her name is. He keeps things hidden and he’s not the type of guy that you think. He’s more conservative than that. I don’t think he falls for those kind of girl plays unless you’re very very pretty and keep his attention seeing as he has ADHD and gets bored quickly.

  • You are too funny. Everyone in the world is diefying him and you just want that big old wiener. As if we all aren’t wanting the same thing, but have to pretend to be watching him swim.

  • I just came across this website tonight! Your blogs about the Phelpsy are hilarious…All of those thoughts on my head, you write down in the blog…Keep up the good work!

  • phelps is so freakin hot i sure would like to have that 14 in penis in me and in my mouth hes the hottest man alive you rock beet

  • THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SIZE 14 PENIS YOU DUMB BITCHES IT WOULD BE A 14 INCH WEE WEE IF ANYTHING..SHOWS HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE/ KNOWLEDGE YOU KNOW ABOUT THE MALE ANATOMY. HE IS HOT FROM THE NECK HE HAS A DOWN SYNDROME FACE. I WOULD TAP THAT EITHER FROM THE BACK OR WITH A BAG ON FACE OR IF I WAS COMPLETELY WASTED. AND YALL KNOW YOU THINK HE IS UGLY WE JUST LOVE HIS TIGHT TUMMY AND PECS. DONT FRONT.

  • Did some informal measuring on this picture (using his height and the proportion) and it appears his manhood is about five inches long. But I assume it’s limp here, so that could mean he’s actually pretty big, right? I have no idea …

  • Okay, he must have an enormous dick. He is the absolute most georgeous guy I have ever seen. I totally dis-agree with alot of you guys! He has a georgeous face! Oh and a georgeous body. He is like…….. a god. I want to suck his dick dry and the let him fuck me! I’m not just around for sex…… I wouldn’t let him fuck me until I found out what typ of guy he is. I want to see that size of a dick. Do you know how old he is? If I do get to see his dick, boned, I will right on here the size.

  • Man, I can’t beleive what chicks are like these days. Disgusting. This kind of thing really pisses me off. Women got no clue how to be ladies anymore, yet they expect a man to be a gentleman and so much more. Huge expectations with nothing to give.

    Imagine guys going around talking about tight pussies like this in a popular forum. They’d be made to feel like perverts.

  • OK – old picture, old news, I know ….. but I have to say, that swimsuit is about the UGLIEST fucking thing I’ve ever seen and by far it is not even REMOTELY flattering to the hotness that is Michael Phelps! He looks like he’s got girl’s hips for fucks sake!

    Whoever designed that suit should be slapped in the head and face with Michael Phelp’s cock, for about five hours straight!

  • Michael Phelps is super star. He is akin to a horse who has won The Derby a record number of times. Imagine what he is worth as a prize stallion. Northern Dancer covered two hundred mares a year. A guy like Michael Phelps would be capable of serving up to forty mares (girls) a week, maybe more. The mind boggles at the amount of stud fees he couldearn

    • To Ann Q
      Why not have his semen frozen A straw contain .5 of a ml. of his pure semen for A.I insemination would fetch just as much. He would be a able to fill at least six hundred straws a week.