“I don’t know how to do it like a gentleman. I don’t know how to have one drink.”

Shia LaBeouf, in a new interview with Details magazine.

Everybody’s in love!

Everybody but me. :(

So I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon, hitting up Home Depot and Safeway, and I pulled into my apartment complex’s garage and headed to the door loaded down with bags. As I’m getting up to the door, this guy parks right behind me in a super-sweet black BMW SUV. I’m hobbling to the door and I hear him be all like, “Here, let me get that for you!” And he opens the door and pushes the elevator button, and we stand there and chat for a long while, because the elevator in my apartment complex takes longer to come than Ryan Seacrest with a woman. And he’s super-hot, and he’s sweet and articulate and funny, and he’s definitely flirting, and he’s dressed in a fancy suit, which I love on a man, and I’ve pretty much decided I’m going to marry him and we’re going to have babies, and I’m naming our children in my head when I realize he’s had his left hand in his suit pocket the entire time we’re talking. And then I’m like, “Oh, Beet. Wedding ring.” And then I was sad. I mean, I’m still not sure, he could just be the kind of person who keeps his left hand in his pocket at all times for no particular reason. Except for that kind of person doesn’t exist. I know he lives on the fifth floor. I’m going to commence stalking, I think. Just in case.

But whatever. At least Paris Hilton is happy. She and Benji drove a Hybrid SUV to DCMA on Monday afternoon for a lovely little photo op. And I hate that I adore Paris’s outfit. Well, not the hat, but everything else. I may have to copy it. I probably will. And I hate that, too.

Remember when we used to do “Your Daily Lohan” segments around here? That was back in the days when you might ever see Lindsay Lohan photographed without Samantha Ronson surgically attached to her hip. Now it has to be Your Daily SamLo, because these two are never freakin’ apart. I mean, I know they’re all super-duper in love and stuff, but don’t they ever want a break from each other?

Anyway. Here’s the gruesome twosome wandering the streets of New York. My favorite part of this photo is the kid with the microphone for some tiny local show, chasing after them. I wonder what he planned to ask them. If it were me, I’d be all like, “So, I mean, do you guys do oral or is it more about the fingers?” That’s what I always want to ask lesbians. Not in a rude way; I’m genuinely curious. I’m one of those chicks that can only get off with an actual penis inside me, so I just wonder how it works with lesbians. It’s probably a good thing I’m not a lesbian. I’d probably hate the sex.

Remember these two crazy kids?

Yes, it’s Jason Wahler and his fiancee, Katia Decker, at some Z-list event in Hollywood. Seriously. They were like the biggest names there. Even Kristen Cavallari didn’t bother showing up.

Give it up, you guys. Go gently into that good night.

So I got a text from one of my best friends the other night, and it read: “sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 opens aug 6!!!!!”

I called her to be like, “Uh … good?” and we had the following conversation:

Her: Hi! Did you get my text???
Me: Um, yes?
Her: Did you laugh?
Me: Um, no?
Her: Don’t you remember?
Me: Um. No.
Her: Remember that one night where you totally wanted to go out clubbing but I made you stay home with me and watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?
Me: Uh. How drunk was I?
Her: You weren’t drunk!
Me: You’re certain of this?
Her: Yes! I made you watch the whole thing with me on a Saturday night! You were so pissed!
Me: I have no recollection of this event. You are absolutely certain that it was me and I was not in a blackout at the time?
Her: Yes!
Me: You’re sure I was sober? Was I maybe secretly drunk? Did I vomit on your shoes or text my ex-boyfriend with photos of my nipples or eat an entire jar of cheese dip or anything?
Her: You were sober!
Me: Hm.

So there you have it, folks. I watched the entirety of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and have apparently repressed the memory.

You can imagine how psyched I am about Round Two. Here’s the old gang I don’t remember, reunited again, at the film’s premiere in New York.

Hollywood hot-shot Shia LaBeouf was just coming into his own as an alcoholic actor, but he’s gonna have to watch out for Adrian Grenier, who currently wants to kick his ass.

Yes, the mystery female passenger in Shia’s passenger seat during the DUI has been identified, and it’s none other than Shia’s Transformers 2 costar — and Adrian Grenier’s girlfriend — 23-year-old Isabel Lucas. When the Daily News asked Adrian what he thought about Isabel being alone in a car with her drunken costar at 3 o’clock in the morning, he “was testy and had no comment.”

And as for Shia’s activities prior to the incident in question?

He was at the Troubadour club watching the Lemon Son band. “He was dancing around and acting really crazy,” says a source. “He kept doing shots of whiskey. He stayed until the band was done and then stumbled out of the club by himself.”

What the hell was this chick thinking getting into a car with him? She very easily could have been killed. DO NOT LET DRUNK PEOPLE DRIVE YOU AROUND!!!

And as a side note: I totally don’t think this girl is all that pretty, Adrian. Her eyes are creeping me out. You should date me instead. Just saying.