Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Safely in Scottsdale

I am home. And not a moment too soon.

My cats are HUGE.

And not just in comparison to my tiny dog.

I have no idea what my father has been feeding them in my absence. Whole sheep, I assume. They are enormous. They have all doubled in size. Ashley, the littlest one, has always been very, very small, even as an adult. She still has the teeny tiny head, but now it sits atop an enormous monstrosity of a body. It looks ridiculous and hilarious, honestly, and I’d find it way more funny if I weren’t so concerned about her health right now.

This is terribly ironic, as my father is a physician who specializes in nutrition and weight loss. He’s had a great deal of success over a 30-year career of working with humans. But he needs more practice with cats.

The cats don’t even seem to be upset about the dog. This is because acting upset would require movement, and they are too fat to move. They just kind of stare at him and sigh loudly. Max managed a little swat at Leo before collapsing. This is so sad.

I am not going to post their photos yet. I am embarrassed for them. They are coming home to Seattle, being put on a serious diet and exercise program, and then they will make their Evil Beet debut when they are cute again.

28 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Oh my god, they are freaking cats. Cats get bigger as they get older. I can’t believe your freaking out about it like this. You have a serious problem with over weight people and now cats, get a fucking life.

  • It will be hard if they are indoor cats. Cats do get bigger when they get old, so do humans, but it is NOT ok. you are doing the right thing…they say every 2lbs on a cat is like 20lbs on a human. They can get seriously sick if they are over weight.

    Good luck!

  • I know. I struggle with the same thing with my cat. I have to buy him the really expensive diet food that you can only buy from the vet.

  • @Whatever (the first one):

    I’ve only been gone TWO MONTHS! Cats are not supposed to DOUBLE in size in TWO MONTHS! They were all adults when I left; it’s not like they were due for a growth spurt. This is definitely unhealthy!

  • yeah sounds like it, maybe your dad just left piles of food for them all day long and they just ate and ate. I REALLY WANT A KITTY!

  • It must be the European in people that comes out once in a while. Everybody and everything on this planet must EAT EAT EAT. I’m going to California this Wednesday, and my aunt is making me bring frozen Polish food across the country for my cousin :-(

    I saw my father once try to feed a baby bird that fell out of tree Kolbasa. Christ, the next day he would of given it Perogies and Cabbage Rolls if it hadn’t of died. Some people think cats and dogs need to be feed every-time they look at you. It’s hard for them to grasp ONE or TWO cups of food is good for the whole day.

    PS Evil… keep me laughing!!

  • well if you r going to go with European (generalize) you might also like to point out that European cats and dogs (look at me generalize pathetic i know) weren’t and still to most aren’t considered and kept as fashion accessories. cats are kept out as are dogs. they serve a purpose like eat mice and guard homes. (unless you r up with the “western” trend that has now eaten away at this) sooooooo in reality, in “european fashion” it didn’t and doesn’t hurt to feed animals once in a while your table scraps. as a mater of fact it was normal since the food was (once upon a time sans EU) less processed and more home grown (including pierog”I”–thats plural and not “ies” like the Americanized spin off generations like to call it— kiebasa, or cabbage rolls, ect.) and the animals get more exercise than they do here. and in general the Europeans don’t feel everyone and everything must EAT EAT EAT (unless maybe they’re greek or hosting a gathering). for the most part dinner ( your heaviest) is served noon-ish so you have more time to burn it off than in the west and the food is either a couple of hearty meals or broken into one or two heart meals and a lot of little ones inclugind a ligth night meal in polish we like to call “kolacia”. in reality most of the Europeans laugh at some of the over the top pampering animals get in the west…and that as a result our furry friends like their humans in the west suffer from obesity trends.

  • XD

    Show us pictures of the cats, pleaaaase!

    I know, I know, it’s not funny for them, but hee hee. I’m sure you’ll get them back in shape in no time, so that’s why it’s so important that you take pictures of them now and show us. =D

  • Perez Hilton inspired burn: Just take the photo with you holding the cats Beet and they will look thin in comparison.

    I don’t even know what that means, lol. Just teasing! Beet is pretty hot for a blogger.

  • My vet put my mini-Doxie on a diet because it’s very easy for them to become diabetic (just like us) due to being over weight. i have to but special food and she only gets 1/4 cup twice a day otherwise she looks like a suasage instead of a hot dog! :-)

  • Sorry for all the typos! I’m watching the Laker/Celtic game. My Lakers are about to blow it!

  • @ WELL- i am living in spain but am from the states and i can tell you that here dogs are a fashion accesory which are spoiled and live indoors. so thats that.

  • Show us fatty cat pics!

    My siamese was 25 pounds for awhile, now she’s down to 15. The reason for the weight gain? My hambeast of a room mate used to order a piece of chicken for the damn cat EVERYTIME she ate KFC, which sadly was daily. ugg.

  • what part of unless you r up with the “western” trend that has now eaten away at this dont you understand brit brit. i’m not doubting or saying that pets ARE an accessory which are spoiled and live indoors in Europe. England is a great example. Urban areas across Europe in today’s times too. i’m just saying you can’t generalize. and yes i am familiar with Spain the US and Europe in general.

  • id like to see the cats too. did they just fill out or did they really plump out? that small head on big body has me curious.

  • My cat used to be huge (like, couldn’t clean herself huge). I had been giving her half a small can a day (Fancy Feast) and there was always dry food sitting out for her (Iams Light). My vet told me to stop giving her dry food and only feed her wet food. Basically, a low-carb diet. It was really hard weening her off the dry but she lost a lot of weight and gradually so she was safe. The vet was shocked as hell when I brought her in to be weighed a few months after. She said no one ever listens to her.

    Now, she only gets wet but because her favourite hobby is vomiting, she gets this special stuff from the vet (not much more expensive and I go to a cat only vet so I like going there).

    That’s what worked for my cat, for what it’s worth.

    @Well, I found it hard to read your post. If you are trying to make an argument, use punctuation and paragraphs and if you are going to criticize someone else’s spelling, check yours first. That said, from an Eastern European perspective, I agree with Andy Ontario. My dad and uncle (both Croatian) feed animals people food and you CANNOT tell them otherwise. I had to nod and laugh when he said his father tried to feed the bird kielbasa.

    @ Whatever (the first one) – I don’t think you know a thing about cats. Yes, as all things tend to do, they get bigger as they grow into adults but once they hit their adult years, they should stay the same size, not continue to expand.

  • Thanks Persistent!

    I think before and after pics would be great to see. Maybe Ashey can be a meowperson for a cat food sponsor like Jared Fogle was for Subway.

  • Alright I will be more tidy. No I am not criticizing. Although, I can understand why my post could be seen as critical. I was just pointing out that generalizing domestic animal obesity as strictly European on any level is a stretch. Especially since it’s not a just a European thing, and nor is the attitude of EAT EAT EAT strictly European. The stats have domestic animal obesity from 20 to 40 (America) or 20 to 50 (Europe).

  • Fascinating observation, Lauren. My pet peeve is not in typos and misspelling. That would be Persistent Cat. My pet peeve is in the form of plurality used for the word. That means you are in luck. If you are a regular, I’m not going to look for the first sign of cracks in your future presumed perfect posts.

    Anyway please reconsider beet. Most, I think, would like to see the cats.

  • my boyfriend adopted a twelve year old cat who had lived on a diet of dry food all her life. although it was fun to laugh at her when she tried to run and her tummy fat pulled her from side to side, he switched her to wet food after reading in a vet book that cats are better with nothing but protein. she lost all of her bulk – quite dramatically. when she last visited her vet, he said she has another 8 or 9 years left.

    the only downside is the food-meow, which begins at 5am. not cool, kitty. not cool.

  • Lemontart, that’s my exact problem. Because she only gets wet food, she requires feeding. She usually starts at 4:30am or so. I try not to feed her then because I don’t want it to be a habit but the damn thing will start scratching at the walls or the laundry hamper. Usually I drag my ass out of bed to feed her just so I can sleep. Then once she’s done eating, she comes up and lies down beside me, all content and I can’t help but love her again.

    That said, she will NOT bother my husband. He loves her as much as me but I think she just knows better. I travel for work and was once gone for five weeks and she didn’t bother him once. I came back and after the first day, she was waking me up.

    Of course I bitch and complain about being woken up but on the odd occasion that she doesn’t wake me up, I worry and go looking for her. Damn cat. If they weren’t so cute, they’d be extinct.