We finally got a shot of Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan together!

Yay!

Oh, they are soooo doing it.

And by “it” I of course mean “cocaine.”

The photo agency says this pic was taken at a “medical center” in Beverly Hills. I sure do hope that by “medical center” they mean “AA meeting.”

Oh, Patrick.

You were probably on stage when Abraham Lincoln was assassinated.

But I’d still let you put it in me.

I love you.

At the Broadway opening of Macbeth.

Okay, seriously, when my ass gets pregnant, I am going to sit on the fucking couch all day long and be like “BRING ME MORE PICKLES AND FRO-YO!” Even if no one else is home, I’m going to yell that, just because, and I’m going to do nothing all day long but be pregnant and whiny and demanding and urinating, because I am single-handedly perpetuating the species and I have a right to do whatever the fuck I feel like.

Angelina Jolie is much more mature than I.

Even though she’s waaaay preggers, she still took time out to represent the Jolie-Pitt Foundation at a Washington DC discussion titled “Iraq, Education, and Children of Conflict.”

A thousand years from now, I swear to you, Angelina Jolie is going to be a fucking religion, and the Angelinians are going to be murdering, like, Scientologists, somewhere in the Middle East, and it’s all going to be very, very ironic.

Damn, you know what would really cheer me up?

Another celebrity DUI.

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a good one, don’t you think?

And it looks like Mischa Barton’s going to weasel her way out of jail time by cutting a deal, as inside sources say she’ll plead no contest to her December 27 DUI charge. She’ll have three years probation and have to take those worthless alcohol education classes, none of which will do anything to cheer me up. I want her in jail, dammit!!! If we can’t put her in jail for drunk driving, can we at least imprison her on charges of attempting to resurrect fashion trends of the ’80s? That’s equally dangerous!

The Times of London issued a report indicating that wealthy, successful men are more likely to marry brunettes.

Damn. This totally explains everything. You knew this all along, didn’t you, Sarah Larson? You bitch.

Well, she’s not anymore.

She’d been engaged to Jeffrey Dean Morgan — who appears on Weeds with her, but who you’ll remember as Denny Duquette from Grey’s Anatomy, although he’s starting to look like a Javier Bardem body double these days, IMHO — and the two decided to call it off recently, according to a source.

I prefer not to think to much about Ms. Parker, because she used to date Adam Duritz and is still all BFF with him, and I hate her for that, but this girl seems to be way unlucky in love. You’ll recall that in 2003 Billy Crudup dumped her ass while she was 7 months pregnant to run off with Claire Danes.

Eh, everybody just sucks.