So little Barron Hilton’s not doing jail time for his first DUI (hopefully of many!), but he’ll have three years probation, which gives him three full years to potentially violate probation and end up in the slammer, Paris-style.

He also loses his license for a year and will have to attend three months of alcohol education classes.

You know, one of my friends in Arizona is currently in the midst of taking those alcohol education classes for her DUI. It was her second DUI, and she did two weeks in Sheriff Joe’s Tent City and then promptly quit drinking completely and began attending AA meetings, which are completely different from those “alcohol education” classes. And she lost her drivers license, so I was driving her to one of her alcohol education classes the other day, and she was like, “You know what these alcohol classes do for me? They make me want to drink. I like the AA meetings, they make me feel better, but then it all gets undone when I have to go to the alcohol education classes for eight fucking hours. It just reminds me of why I drink in the first place.” I thought that was hilarious.

Um, I guess this is a good thing.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have confirmed that they are engaged.

Ashlee’s 23, which is just a little bit older than Jess was when she married Nick Lachey. Temporarily.

So I’m not saying that people can’t get married at 23 and make it work. I’m just saying that people can’t get married at 23 and make it work in Hollywood.

Enjoy it while it lasts, kids, and be sure to make the most of it by letting reality TV cameras invade the privacy of your brief union.

I woke up this morning in Canyonville, Oregon with the curious sensation that everything was going to be okay.

I’d driven from Sacramento to Canyonville in pitch black, so this was my first time actually seeing Oregon. I’ve decided that Oregon is good for the soul. It’s impossible to stay mad at God when you’re surrounded by such majestic natural beauty. I think Charlie’s puppy heaven looks a lot like Oregon.

I stopped in Eugene and walked around the University of Oregon, where I found both the people and the campus to be wonderful. I have never met a nicer fucking parking attendant in my life. In fact, everyone I talked to in the whole state of Oregon went out of their way to be kind and helpful. At this one rest stop, a local church sponsors a booth out front where they give free coffee and cookies to the travelers. Not, like, on Christmas. Just on a Wednesday in April. Just to be nice. Cutest. Shit. Ever.

I then drove through Washington, which is also gorgeous, and check out what was waiting for me as I approached the outskirts of Seattle:

An actual rainbow bridge! It stretched clear across the horizon. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like that in my life. I decided it was little Charlie letting me know we were both okay. And I also decided I’m going to stay in Seattle for awhile.

I spent the evening hanging out with my friend Trish, who is also good for the soul, and at some point I need to start looking for a furnished apartment around here. It’s funny; I visited Seattle a year ago, and at the time I didn’t like it one bit. I was like, “Oh my God. No one cares what they look like at all. How tragic.” But I’ve changed so much as a person in the past year, and especially in the past few months. This time, I’m like “Oh my God. No one cares what they look like at all. How refreshing.” I think that’s probably a good sign.

Okay, I’ll get back to the gossip now. :)

This scene from Hillary Duff’s new flick, War, Inc., has been making the Internet rounds.

In it, Hillary puts a scorpion in her pants.

And I’m not talking about Joel Madden.

The Playboy magnate turns a whopping 82 years old today.

And he got an early birthday present from Pamela Anderson. When Hef and Holly entered their penthouse at the Palms, they were greeted by Pam, who was butt-ass naked except for a pair of high heels, and holding a cake.

“Pam wasn’t paid to do it, she just wanted to show her love for Hef,” says a source.

Um, okay, but between Girls Next Door and Pam’s upcoming reality TV show, how many video cameras do you think were there to capture this sweet, private moment and use it in promos?

Yeah.

It “bears all the credibility and seriousness of flying saucers from Mars or leprechauns. Or any manner of malicious, paranoid superstition. In other words, it’s bullshit. It’s a complete disaster. It’s an act of fascist madness.”

Tommy Lee Jones, on the fence going up along the Texas/Mexico border to prevent immigration.