Check out these pics InTouch snapped of Jen and John getting all lovey-dovey in Miami this weekend.

What is that thing on the wall in front of them?

I bet it’s a mirror, so they can admire themselves as they canoodle and be like, “Damn, we’re so hot.”

I became a member of RealityWanted.com in order to get all the info on the Paris Hilton casting drama, and now I get regular emails about upcoming reality casting calls. And most of the time they are hilarious. I mean, sometimes they’re just looking to do fashion makeovers or interviews with real estate agents or something equally boring, but a lot of the time I read these and I’m like “Who the hell in their right mind is actually going to respond to this?”

So I’m starting a new segment called “Casting Call,” where I will bring you the best and brightest of these soon-to-be reality gems.

Up first:

Are you a mother who needs a little help just to get by? Do you HAVE to have a drink during the day just to cope with your life? Do you sometimes take more of your medication than you should because you’ve had a bad day? Do you ever do illegal drugs to help you stay sane? If you need a little pick me up to get through the day, we want to hear your story. If you are interested in talking about your experience, please send me an email for more information.

So: if you’re a shitty mother who wants the whole world to know about your active drug problem, making certain that your kids will be called “crack-baby” on the playground, click here for more info.

Everyone’s talking about this clip from last night’s AmIdol.

I have no idea why.

Like, Paula said something that indicates she hasn’t really been paying attention to anything in the past half-hour? Jesus, people, Paula Abdul hasn’t really been paying attention to anything in the past decade. Because she’s a drug addict! And she’s stupid on top of that!

Why is this suddenly a big deal?

And how the fuck is Brooke White still in this competition? It’s because every girl under the age of 16 wishes she were their big sister. And every guy over the age of 12 imagines he will be the one to corrupt her. It is not because she has a good voice, or can, ya know, remember lyrics.

Vanilla Ice’s wife, Laura Van Winkle, recanted her original statement that her husband had physically abused her. She now says any physical contact was accidental.

So prosecutors will not be moving forward with the case.

Shit, dude, I hope any sexual contact she has with him is accidental too. I can’t imagine who would walk to sleep with this washed-up freakazoid. I’m sure from here on out it will be all roses and happiness in this relationship. Because a guy who beats you up once is definitely going to feel very sorry and never do it again. Especially once you make it clear that you love him enough to not press charges.

Sheesh.

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden had lunch today at a restaurant in Beverly Hills called Prego.

Oh dear Lord.

Please let this be the first and last time I use “Paris Hilton” and “Prego” in the same sentence. Unless the headline is “BREAKING: Doctors Confirm Paris Hilton Is Infertile!”

[Image via Splash]

Who’s rocking those super-juicy ass cheeks?

Jump inside to find out.

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