Halle Berry has been pregnant forever. The only person who was pregnant longer was Bridget Moynahan. Bridget Moynahan was pregnant for two full years. I mean, I’m not exactly a doctor — I’ve been told I do a thorough job of self-medicating, which I choose to take as a compliment, if not as a full license to practice medicine — but seriously, people, what the fuck is happening in there over all this time? I’ve seen one of those things after they come out. They can’t do anything. They’re blobs. Why do people want these things? You’re producing a low-functionality product with outrageous variable costs, zero trialability and an extremely high switching cost. If I tried to pitch babies to my marketing professor in business school, he’d have laughed me right out of the classroom. (Instead I went with high-end dog food and garnered a B. Fucker. There’s a market for it.)

With the amount of time those mini-humans spend in other people’s stomachs, I’d expect them to at least come out and be able to pass a high-school biology test on the digestive system. But they can’t even write. I mean, you can get a full freakin’ masters degree at University of Phoenix in nine months, right? Someone needs to start some manner of in utero classes. Teach those little blobs something while they’re in there. Pipe in Women’s History. Everyone wants to get that credit out of the way early.

Here’s Halle Berry, 18 months pregnant, shopping at Whole Foods with her insanely hot boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry. I can’t look at Gabriel Aubry because he makes me need to have a boyfriend that looks just like him right this goddamn second. We need to clone humans so that we can clone Gabriel Aubry. That’s my scientific opinion. Someone get me in front of Congress to talk about this, stat.

13 Responses to “I Feel Like Humans Have an Unnecessarily Long Gestation Period”

1. mambaX says:

   March 11, 2008 at 8:42 am

   yes, you are right
   about the length of her pregnancy , the boyfriend, stomach and all

   this reminds me of my son,the first born, when I was pregnant for the third time and he, a 5 year old then, couldn’t wait to meet his sister

   one day I was eating lunch and he looked at me and asked how did I think she felt having all the food falling on top of her all the time,yikes!

   Reply
2. Caz says:

   March 11, 2008 at 9:24 am

   Oh yeah she still hasn’t popped that kid out!! You are right that baby is going to be well overcooked!!

   Reply
3. blmcd says:

   March 11, 2008 at 10:21 am

   The boyfriend is hot? It looks like he has moobs. Seriously…

   Reply
4. Pinkey says:

   March 11, 2008 at 10:40 am

   Nope . He’s a fine and beautiful man and I want him too.

   Reply
5. snow ball says:

   March 11, 2008 at 10:46 am

   please go to congress stat evil beet

   Reply
6. Priscilla says:

   March 11, 2008 at 2:01 pm

   when i was pregnant, (my baby is 9mnths now thank you very much!) i couldn’t wait to have her, and now sometimes i want to put her back in!!

   Reply
7. Pinkey says:

   March 11, 2008 at 2:08 pm

   It feels like forever, but it costs less when they are on the inside, I’m just saying…

   Reply
8. jmeen says:

   March 11, 2008 at 5:58 pm

   what’s wrong with you?

   Reply
9. Eden says:

   March 11, 2008 at 7:42 pm

   Pick on someone your own size beet lol

   Reply
10. blobhater says:

    March 12, 2008 at 3:14 pm

    I love you evil beet

    the things you say are SO TRUE

    AMAZING!!!!!!!

    Reply
11. jmeem says:

    March 12, 2008 at 6:12 pm

    yes, amazing.

    Reply
12. Samantha says:

    March 12, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    haha that was pretty fucking funny. your blog has been a recent discovery of mine (we’re going on about one month now) and i must say, i think i fucking love you. thanks for keeping me from studying for my Spanish Lit final and being productive at work. Couldn’t do it without you!

    Reply
13. Rory says:

    March 16, 2008 at 7:13 am

    Well, elephants are pregnant for two years, so I think Halle’s getting off easy.

    Reply

Leave a Reply