Halle Berry has been pregnant forever. The only person who was pregnant longer was Bridget Moynahan. Bridget Moynahan was pregnant for two full years. I mean, I’m not exactly a doctor — I’ve been told I do a thorough job of self-medicating, which I choose to take as a compliment, if not as a full license to practice medicine — but seriously, people, what the fuck is happening in there over all this time? I’ve seen one of those things after they come out. They can’t do anything. They’re blobs. Why do people want these things? You’re producing a low-functionality product with outrageous variable costs, zero trialability and an extremely high switching cost. If I tried to pitch babies to my marketing professor in business school, he’d have laughed me right out of the classroom. (Instead I went with high-end dog food and garnered a B. Fucker. There’s a market for it.)
With the amount of time those mini-humans spend in other people’s stomachs, I’d expect them to at least come out and be able to pass a high-school biology test on the digestive system. But they can’t even write. I mean, you can get a full freakin’ masters degree at University of Phoenix in nine months, right? Someone needs to start some manner of in utero classes. Teach those little blobs something while they’re in there. Pipe in Women’s History. Everyone wants to get that credit out of the way early.
Here’s Halle Berry, 18 months pregnant, shopping at Whole Foods with her insanely hot boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry. I can’t look at Gabriel Aubry because he makes me need to have a boyfriend that looks just like him right this goddamn second. We need to clone humans so that we can clone Gabriel Aubry. That’s my scientific opinion. Someone get me in front of Congress to talk about this, stat.
yes, you are right
about the length of her pregnancy , the boyfriend, stomach and all
this reminds me of my son,the first born, when I was pregnant for the third time and he, a 5 year old then, couldn’t wait to meet his sister
one day I was eating lunch and he looked at me and asked how did I think she felt having all the food falling on top of her all the time,yikes!
Oh yeah she still hasn’t popped that kid out!! You are right that baby is going to be well overcooked!!
The boyfriend is hot? It looks like he has moobs. Seriously…
Nope . He’s a fine and beautiful man and I want him too.
please go to congress stat evil beet
when i was pregnant, (my baby is 9mnths now thank you very much!) i couldn’t wait to have her, and now sometimes i want to put her back in!!
It feels like forever, but it costs less when they are on the inside, I’m just saying…
what’s wrong with you?
Pick on someone your own size beet lol
I love you evil beet
the things you say are SO TRUE
AMAZING!!!!!!!
yes, amazing.
haha that was pretty fucking funny. your blog has been a recent discovery of mine (we’re going on about one month now) and i must say, i think i fucking love you. thanks for keeping me from studying for my Spanish Lit final and being productive at work. Couldn’t do it without you!
Well, elephants are pregnant for two years, so I think Halle’s getting off easy.